yeager1003
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 19
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« on: November 16, 2013, 09:22:32 AM » |
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We are locked in the middle of a two day fight that began on our anniversary. UBPDw has pulled out every nasty weapon in her arsenal. Gas lighting, emotional blackmail, threats of self-harm, accusations, FOG, splitting, name-calling, cursing, throwing things, slamming doors, locking me out of the house, threatening restraining orders, leaving, divorce. It has been a relentless 48 hours of hell, and I’m at the end of my rope. There is nowhere to turn and no place that’s safe. She ignores all boundaries. I call for a timeout, she pursues all the harder. I try to physically leave and she runs after me. I ask her to stop putting words in my mouth and thoughts or motives in my head, and she accuses me of doing it. She relays whole conversations that never happened and denies those that did. She demands that I talk, and when I try she cuts me off, screaming, yelling, shaking her finger at me. I am accused of ruining her life, destroying her health, poisoning every relationship she’s ever had, except for the ones before we met, but I’m thinking she’ll get around to that eventually. This morning she researched how much I spent on our anniversary. Last night she said she “expected” me to buy her a car for our anniversary, seeing how I’ve been such an ass for the past 18 years and how EVERY anniversary has sucked. I NEVER listen. I ALWAYS put myself first. When I opened up about how I was being personally affected by all this and my own physical needs, I was told what a selfish prick I am, always trying to make her feel sorry for me. But she saw where I was going and immediately accused me of lacking empathy. I really don’t see much hope here and know I need an exit plan. This is getting scary.
UPDATE: Now it's Saturday morning. After a day and a half of peace, at 1:30 yesterday afternoon, the next round began and lasted for NINE HOURS. It began with the same, tired things, then got weird. My doc had put me on anti-depressants. (wonder why?) Since I had been firm in maintaining boundaries and using strategies I'd learned from this board and elsewhere, she was convinced the medication was making me "mean." She researched the internet, threw pages at me and telling me I need to leave for a couple of weeks to "figure out what I wanted." When I started making plans for that, she went into another rage, telling me (again) that I had ruined her life, that I was abandoning her at the worst possible time, that leaving her would cause professional embarassment. She hurled a wooden spoon. She raced out to the car, saying she was leaving. She came back inside. She went out again. I was supposed to follow her. I didn't. I sat down with my son to eat. Five minutes later, she was back. Slamming doors. Screaming. By the eighth hour I was physically and emotionally exhausted. She screamed at me for calling her names. When I calmly asked what names I had called her, she refused to say (name-calling is my number one non-negotiable boundary). She told me, "You know. You know what you called me." She jumped online to pull my phone records, insurance records. She told me I needed to leave for a couple of weeks. She even suggested where I should go - another state, about 2 hours from our home. I told her I would leave, but she can't tell me where to go and I wanted to be close by to attend my son's games. She said that would be bad FOR HER. Ninth hour: she comes out of the bedroom and says she wants sex. I'm floored. She doesn't say it in a sweet or seductive or concilitory way. She ANGRILY tells me she wants sex. Says at least SHE is full of emotion, SHE needs a physical connection after nine hours of accusing me of horrible things, telling me I'm a liar, a little boy, stupid, mean, selfish, cold, etc., etc. I calmly told her I wasn't near any place emotionally or physically for sex. She flew back into the room, slamming the door. My refusal proves everything she said! Incredible.
There is no safe place unless I flee. So I did. Last night, I threw a bag in the car, at her insistence, "I want you the hit out of my house." I'm not even out of the neighborhood, two minutes later, when she calls me. "Can't we go out for coffee and talk?" Like an idiot, I agree. I think, well, at least she'll control herself in public. Uh-huh. I hurried us out before she blew. People were looking, whispering. It was mortifying.
This morning it's the silent treatment (something she accuses me of when I become too exhausted to even talk). Then she left for a hair appointment. I'm sitting here wondering what the hell happened to us, to our life. It's so confusing. I told her during the marathon fight that I was confused most of the time, confused and scared, because I was constantly being accused of things I knew did not happen, of saying things I knew I didn't say, of my words being twisted and every action questioned. She has interfered in my professional life, causing me great embarrassment. She has now turned to fighting in front of our son, despite me begging her not to. Everyone has a breaking point and after 18 years, I'm reaching mine. The only thing that's expected of me is groveling and begging for forgiveness for things I did not do, and when she's in a rage even THAT doesn't work.
She's seeing a counselor. She uses everything the counselor tells her as a bludgeon. I don't know how much is true and how much isn't. Apparently, the counselor has bought in to her view that she's a victim. She isn't fighting with EVERYONE in her life because she can't maintain a healthy relationship. She's fighting because everyone is out to get her, doesn't understand her, is victimizing her. Unbelievable.
I don't know what to do. Do I leave for a couple of weeks? Won't that send her into a downward spiral, since it touches the core of BPD, abandonment? When I left for just one week (not a separation, just me trying to get some work done), it was horrible. Five hour long phone calls, obsessive texting, screaming, threatening restraining orders. Some sites say make a clean break and establish a no-contact rule. I do have a "go-kit," phone, cash, clothes. Just so confused and frightened right now. I can't take another nine hours like I went through yesterday.
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