triggered and need help

[dharmagems]

Hello all, I know I've been posting for a while that I left my xBPDh final divorce decree in March.  I have also been trying to deal with flashbacks and urgencies to run away from my abusive narcissist, mother.  I've settled for moving this year, living 1 hour away from a business I share with her and sometimes coming down to tend to the business.  I've been really struggling this year with trying my first In Vitro Fertilization on my own.  It was so scary and later this year I've been on hormones meds for Frozen Embryo Transfer.  I have lived this year in great fear and reaction, my core beliefs deal with money and of how can I survive alone dealing with this all?

I just ended my second FET with negative pregnancy results.  It takes so much out of me, to fly to the clinic, with all the hormones I'm taking, and do this.  I am hurting so bad again.  All I want to do is call my ex.  I fanaticize him taking me back.  I tell myself I could just put up with him now, even better, I'm not going to be pregnant, and he won't abuse any children, because I won't be having any.  He was the sweetest partner I had, taking care of me when I was down.  These are the best sides of him.  I'm triggered now, feeling frantic, seeking someone to soothe me.  I know I have my own issues, mostly anxiety and PTSD.  Maybe I'll call my friends.  My therapists are new, and so far, they've not been helpful really.  I feel lonely and distressed.  I don't want to really call anyone, because I am weary of focusing all the attention on me, like my NPD mom used to do.  I am a wreck.

[an0ught]

Hi dharmagems,

 you are in a bad place today   . When feeling bad it is natural to want to reach out and you are right to post again   You would also do well reaching out in real life. You may or you may not focus some attention on yourself but that is ok... Just because you speak up does not mean you put yourself permanently into the center of the universe. What you want is normal and not narcissistic! Considering what you are going through you certainly need and deserve a healthy dose of positive attention or simple human contact, distraction and perspective through others .

You clearly realize that engaging with your ex might not be the smartest idea at the moment no matter how much you fantasize. You are struggling with yourself and adding an unstable person into the mix won't fix anything.

Hang in there  ,

a0

PS: This board could also be a good place for you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0

[dharmagems]

a0,

Thank you so much for the validation and recognition of my pain.  I am really in not a good place today.

I am feeling better going out to do food shopping.  I've kept my diet for the most part going successful throughout the years, because out of necessity due to chronic health.  When I am not so good, I tend to stray towards bad food, and then I'm off.  I've gained a bit of weight from the fertility treatments but, luckily I'm not thinking so badly of my body image.  I allow my body to do what it needs to do.  Lately, I've been trying to cope with all the change.  And, today, I allowed for a small snack off diet, and luckily didn't binge.  So I ate regular, and I'm grateful I haven't gone off board.  Usually, in times of high stress I go towards my food addiction, but I haven't yet today. 

Anyway, I am so grateful to have an ear tonight.  Thanks a0!  While I was driving out, I was thinking on God to take this pain for me tonight.  I can't handle it alone.  I can't also call upon unstable ex's either, thanks for reminding me.