Anger attack again

[Maro12]

Just now started again... .  All blame on me! Simple trigger, I did not tell her that I went to ask about doctor appointment... .She started to be abusive, to cry! I got so nerwous, I could not talk anymore... .I hanged up. Now I have text "You will fuc... ing" regret! I am so nervous, she sw off phone and now she will start to punish me in her way... .Those are moments I hate the most! How to help myself in this moments?

[123Phoebe]

Hi Maro12

Can you take a few deep breaths and make a cup of tea?  Listen to relaxing music.  Watch funny videos?

Or:  TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts

Take care of yourself and keep posting!  We're here for you.


 

[Maro12]

Thanks Phoebe,

I tried all week to build something good, I was after work everyday with her and her kids... .Weekend too. Today it was nice too, she called me to talk about us... .And started to blame me for everything, I am so nervous becouse of all situation and she knows it, and we talked that I should go to doctor... .I said I been 5 mins from work but I do not know details yet, and she rage on me with cry why I did not tell her? Why I hide it from her! I was so nerwous again! I could not talk like this anymore, I have to work tomorrow... .But she kept calling... .Finally "I will fuc... .g" regret... .

I planned Christmas, I try to do all... .sometimes my nerves are on the edge cmpletely... .Now I know she will destroy all, blaming me. Her revange now, and my punishment... .

I know I will want to talk with her, christmas, plans etc, but she will make me zero again... .I really comletely dont know what to do anymore... .I know I need Therapy, but after what she done with my brain.

I will try to sleep, I know tomorrow will be hard for me... .  :'(

[123Phoebe]

Aw, I'm sorry this has shook you up so much

Some good sleep might be just what the doctor ordered, tomorrow will be a brand new day.

What are you fearing the most from her threat?

[Maro12]

Hi Phoebe,

Thank You for support, I feel better today.

It happened many times before, after some simple trigger, which can be even tone of my voice she starts to "feel sh... t" and starts to say "I can not belive how you can do it to me". And I know it is always just a beginning ob very abusive reminders of all my even smalest mistakes brought to great deal, and blaming me for all her bad feelings. In this moment somehow my selfdefense triggers, cause I had it so many times that I prefere to finish conversation than go down this way. But this in result triggers even more bad feelings in her. And so it goes, closed circle. And when she starts even my warm and nice words will not stop her until she will be tired of getting her anger on me. But after listening sometimes of as much as 2-3 hours abusive things what I done to her, which some of them are not even true, my mind is completely smashed.

On other side when I cut conversation when I see this begins, and she starts to sending me those abusive texts, I feel guilty I did not help her. And this is what makes me feel so bad, and where her threatening hits me the most. Her reaction are not appropriate to the level of the thing it all started. And I have a choice, stay on the phone letting further abuses, not sleep, and in result letting destructive influence on me, hoping she feels better when she will be tired of herown anger, or cut and risk myself for her punishment cause "I was not for her when she needed me"... .

In both situations I am on the lost position.

I am at the stage that I am pretty sure I have to choose or relationship with her and constant stress, constant nerves, loosing myself and myown identity, or just to break up and go my way without her but healthly. When she feels she does not have constant control over me, she does not know thre smallest thing that i do, than I am hiding all from her, I am liar and wants revange for her pain, which in her mind I caused. But is it really like this? Everyone needs a little of hisown space, time for himself, this is normal, and with her I feel I can not be myself anymore, cause when I am doing something only for me she feels lost and abandoned.

It is very hard and to be honest I am pretty sure I can not take all this weight on my shoulder anymore. I try to be patience, but everyone has limits 

Anyway Thank You for support, I will carry on reading and posting here, It helps a lot.

Best Regards,

Maro12