Did you feel any different once you were divorced?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The whole process is surreal to me.  I spent most of my childhood pledging to myself that I would never get divorced.  Now I am going through the process and I hate it.  I don't tell my friends about it.  I can't speak the word divorce and I still wear my wedding ring.  I probably will still pretend I'm married after I'm divorced.

I don't want to live with my husband and it's a great relief for him to be out of the house.  But I feel like after my marriage officially ends, things won't really feel different.  It feels like it's happening to someone else.

I think the nature of my husband's BPD means that I have trouble divorcing the good person, when he's being good.  When he's awful, I am glad I am getting away.  It's really confusing.

[momtara]

The whole process is surreal to me.  I spent most of my childhood pledging to myself that I would never get divorced.  Now I am going through the process and I hate it.  I don't tell my friends about it.  I can't speak the word divorce and I still wear my wedding ring.  I probably will still pretend I'm married after I'm divorced.

I don't want to live with my husband and it's a great relief for him to be out of the house.  But I feel like after my marriage officially ends, things won't really feel different.  It feels like it's happening to someone else.

I think the nature of my husband's BPD means that I have trouble divorcing the good person, when he's being good.  When he's awful, I am glad I am getting away.  It's really confusing.

[Waddams]

It felt different, but never a bad different.

Most of the time, it was either a neutral or good different.  It was validating at the divorce hearing for the judge to give her the business.  It was like "See!  The professionals and grown ups in the room get it!"  Felt very... .validating after so much time of dealing uBPDxw's up and down/back and forth/just plain crazy stuff.  It was very self-affirming.

uBPDxw's behavior since then has only reinforced to me how divorce was the right thing for me to do as well.  She's currently on this extended quasi-bipolar high phase and at every interactions she is just dripping with arrogance and narcissism.  I'm waiting for the crash.  She's due for one.

I don't regret divorcing one little bit.  I didn't want to at the time, but it was kind of necessary for self-preservation.  I just didn't realization the full scope of it all until later.  As time continues to move on, and the farther out I get from it, the belief I did the right thing for me and my son only gets stronger and stronger as well.

[ForeverDad]

I don't regret divorcing one little bit.  I didn't want to at the time, but it was kind of necessary for self-preservation.  I just didn't realization the full scope of it all until later.  As time continues to move on, and the farther out I get from it, the belief I did the right thing for me and my son only gets stronger and stronger as well.

Could be my words.  I had no choice but to separate and when she still refused to work things out and in fact continued trying to block and sabotage my parenting I realized I had to divorce.

Accept what is, not unrealistic dreams and hopes.

[CdnSunrise]

I just posted the following on another thread:

I'm trying to come to terms with the whole Jekyll and Hyde issue. When I was with my xBPD, I denied/helped hide the Hyde side of his personality, and now that's ALL I can see of him -- the good, charming side is completely GONE to me (even in my memory, it's just the bad stuff that comes back now) and I really, really can't stand to even see him, much less talk to him. Thankfully I've avoided doing that for 6 months, besides the occasional glimpse of him in his car. I don't answer his phone calls and keep electronic communications to strictly "kid business". It has reduced the verbal attacks quite a bit.

But I think that the extreme 2 sided nature of BPD is what is intolerable to me -- my mind can't hold the 2 different personalities of my ex in my mind at the same time. I realize that maybe I've swung to denial on the other side of the spectrum, but that is how I need to see him to detach myself from this co-dependancy.

[CdnSunrise]

Oh, and I should add that I can HARDLY wait to be done with this process and be divorced. I'm going to have a major "freedom" party.

[Seeking Peace]

Momtara,

I, like you, NEVER imagined I would be divorced.  I was just talking to someone last night about how I still cannot believe I am living the life I am.  It was not how I grew up, none of my friends have a life like mine, and my life used to be predictable - work hard, be honest, and good things will come to you.  I still cannot fathom how much my life has changed.  I have always struggled with feeling overly responsible for others' feelings, however, and was raised by a father who was very moody and often blamed me for his moods, although I was a "good" child.  So I have had a lot of practice trying to be "good" to keep the calm.  I tried the same thing in my marriage and was just more and more abused the harder I tried. 

I am 8 years out - separated in 2005.  I still struggle tremendously with my situation, especially seeing what my children go through because of my and my ex's complete inability to communicate and co-parent.   Someone told me recently that I have to forgive myself for the fact that my children have my exH as their father. I have put so much time, money and energy into trying to protect them from him, and for a really long time, tried to co-parent with him.  It never got me anywhere - only left me confused, frustrated and angry.  I held on to the fantasy that he would see the damage he does to the children and that would alter his behavior.  He is truly narcissistic, however, and I have to let go of that fantasy completely.  His values, priorities and agenda in life are so different from mine.

I work every day to try to stay in the moment - I realized after awhile that I was missing out on many important moments with my children because I was always trying to figure out how I could make the situation with their father better for them.  I try to focus my energy now on making their lives the healthiest they can be given the situation.  My biggest goal is that they not take responsibilty for his feelings and actions, and recognize that he is making a choice when he acts the way he does and that they are not bad people just because he treats them like they are bad people.  It is a lot of work.  But in those moments I can let go of the fantasy that I have any influence on his behavior (which are the rule now, rather than the exception), I feel better and more centered as a mother.   

So I guess what I am trying to say is I do think a person's personality affects how they will cope with a situation like this.  Some people seem really great at not blaming themselves for what has happened and others (like me) struggle to stop taking so much responsibility for what has happened.  I am so grateful that this site exists because it helps so much to talk to people who are going through similar things.  These issues are not easily discussed in public, and I often find it difficult for others to understand just how much emotional turmoil this all creates for me.

I hope that your experience will be different than mine.  Luckily, at this point, your H has little contact with your children.  So I would encourage you to focus on taking care of yourself, trying to be the mom you always envisioned yourself to be, and creating a good support system to help you with your single-parenting responsibilities.

Seeing Peace

[david]

I am glad we are no longer married. I am happy again. Constantly trying to keep the peace at all costs wears on you. Eventually you either turn yourself off or refuse to take the s*** anymore. Either way my marriage was over before the courts recognized it. I didn't realize it until later too.

[livednlearned]

What is the lesson you want your kids to learn from your marriage and divorce?

[david]

What is the lesson... .That is a very good point.Before my ex ran away (back in 2007) my SS's sat me down and had an intervention with me. They told me I needed to divorce their mom. I was shocked and somewhat angry that they took such a position. The discussion was about 40 minutes. I explained to them that since they weren't married they couldn't understand. Also that I took marriage as a death do us part idea. They insisted that I needed to divorce her and that if I didn't they would not have the respect for me that they did then since I didn't respect myself as much as they respected me. Right between the eyes and it did sting. However, they were right and we have a great relationship to this day. I also think it helped our two boys seeing that I wasn't allowing someone to abuse me the way she did. I realize I allowed it and that is something I worked on with a T. Ex doesn't get me the way she used to. I no longer live in fear, obligation, and guilt.

My ex used to say , "you are born in pain, you live in fear, and you die alone." That really bothered me and I was too afraid to try to discuss it because I knew the consequences. She lives in her own hell and I do feel for her. That has nothing to do with our kids or me. She needs to get help and until that happens she will always live that way. I can't imagine living like that and I am thankful that I can't.

[CdnSunrise]

Seeking Peace,

Thanks for your above post. I'm new to this site, and am still a bit shocked that the thoughts and feelings that others share here are almost exactly my own. Your situation and struggles are what I am struggling with. I took (take?) on responsibility for "fixing" the situation, which is now manifesting in an attempt to protect my kids from their dads behaviour. I also struggle with the guilt of having chosen my ex to be their dad, which really sucks for them.

Do you have your kids in therapy? I have my S10 and S7 seeing someone (my therapist too) and I do have trouble explaining to her exactly what it's like to have lived with a parent/spouse who is BPD. My D11 refuses to talk to anyone about it. Have you ever/will you ever tell your kids what BPD is and how it affects their dad?

Thanks again, CdnSunrise

[ForeverDad]

Fortunately I was able to let go of the "What if... ." since without cooperation that was totally unrealistic.

Next was "If only... ." as in the price of what we lost, she could have avoided that.  A surprise to me, she has never once in 8 years ever given any indication she'd be willing to try again.  However, she's had at least a couple BFs since then, perhaps more encounters that I don't know about, so I won't go back through that door, it's over.

I recall when she called one day and she asked when we would go back to court for the final decree.  I said that happened earlier that week, we're already divorced.  Then she asked if we should go out to dinner?  So weird.

The final decree was not nearly as impactful to me as that first night she was gone.  The silence was so loud then.  What a contrast.

[momtara]

Wow, some really great perspectives.  Thank you, everyone.  Keep 'em coming.

[Seeking Peace]

ForeverDad,

As I cried in the hallway after my divorce, my ex came up to me and tried to pull me into his arms to comfort me.  He looked completely baffled when I told him not to touch me. 

Seeking Peace

[momtara]

That pretty much shows the mixed feelings that go into this.

A shrink told me that I'm grieving the loss of a dream.  That's certainly true.

[Seeking Peace]

Momtara,

When I feel that "lost dream" way, I try to remind myself to celebrate the loss of a nightmare.  I think about how he used to come after me,  how he ridiculed and belittled me,  how he tried to shame me in front of my children and make them think I didn't want them, and (when I am really feeling like I need a kick in the head), what it would be like to have sleep with him again.  That last one usually knocks me right back into reality and how good my empty bed feels and how nice it is not to have to be afraid of hearing him open the front door at night signaling he is home from work and my punishment for whatever it was that I did that day was about to start.

Seeking Peace

[livednlearned]

Being traumatized enough to end the marriage, but then having feelings of attachment for him after the divorce ... .that must be terribly confusing for you, momtara. I understand why you'd share this on the family law board because divorce is what we all have in common , but the nature of what you're getting at is a very deep personal inventory question. Here, you may find some comfort in hearing how others respond, but something much deeper is going on inside you, and comparing experiences won't help you drill deep enough to figure out what the confusion is about. You have to figure out why you are feeling this way, and understand how it is affecting you. 

Being in dysfunctional relationships is usually very comforting and familiar to people who are accustomed to being in them. The abuse, chaos, disorder, dysfunction -- all of that feels so familiar that we tolerate things healthy people would not. When we decide to end these relationships, it's a sign that we're choosing to be healthy. So yearning for the dysfunctional relationship after ending it is a sign something is stuck. What is stuck for you? Or more importantly, how are you going to get unstuck?

For me, it was S12. I was too disordered in the beginning to make healthy choices for myself. But when it came to S12, I had way more wind in my sails. I wanted to know what it meant to raise an emotionally healthy child. That has been the gift that keeps on giving, because I will make drastic changes in myself for his well-being when I don't have what I need to make those changes for myself. If it's the same for you, if your kids are what motivate you, then you have to figure out how being stuck is affecting them. Because this kind of stuff definitely affects them.

Our kids study us closely, read our cues, our body language, the tone in our voice, the expression on our face. They know how we feel. They are watching us more closely than anyone has ever watched us in our life. They're studying our behavior and figuring out that this is what women or men do, this is how women and men love. This is what women and men allow. This, then, is how they will love.

Yesterday, my son told me that his friend, a new kid who moved to town and became friends with my son at the start of the school year, is not a real friend. He isn't a real friend because he only laughs when my son gets hurt, or when other kids get hurt. When my son tells him to stop, his friend calls him a hypocrite. S12 told me the next time this kid does something mean, he's going to get up from the cafeteria table, and tell him he's a jerk and doesn't want to be his friend. I asked him if he had thought about doing it slowly, over time, so it wasn't dramatic, and S12 said, "No because I want him to know exactly why I'm not going to be his friend. I have other friends and I don't need him."

I know in my heart, deep down to the core of my being, that my son would never do that if I had not stood up to his dad and left. I taught S12 self-respect. I taught him to be assertive.

It takes my breath away when I see the ripples this long after leaving N/BPD.

If you can figure out where your feelings of confusion are coming from, and what they're about -- not just naming them but knowing where they come from, then you can help your daughters understand. My T referred to it as "changing the script." You have taken a big step with the divorce -- it means that you are ready to change the script. But something psychological and emotional is stuck, and that's a rich place to dig.

[momtara]

I know.  When I remember the truly awful stuff, I start to feel better about the decision.

I don't sleep in our bed though.  I feel like it's haunted.  And actually, I miss having a warm body there.

[momtara]

oH, THANKS, livednlearned!  I guess you posted your response while I was responding to the one above you.  I know that codependency is part of what keeps me stuck.  And fear of being different.  I felt different all my life, and what do you know, now I don't fit in again - I'm the divorced one.  Plus, divorce was such an evil word when I was little.  I'm sure there are lots of issues.  Thank you for some clarity.

[MiddleEastMike]

I'm glad that we are divorced, glad we didn't have children, glad that I never brought her to live in the USA, and glad that I got out when I did. I have read many posts from men and women who suffered the abuse of a BPD spouse / bf / gf for far longer than I did. I still feel a lot of regret that I had married someone I had met on an internet dating website so quickly, without really getting to know her first in person. I thought that emails and web chats were the substitute in a long-distance relationship. They're not! I am trying to work through the emotional turmoil of the past and get on with my life, but it is difficult. I have some lonely and difficult days sometimes.

[Forestaken]

Oh, and I should add that I can HARDLY wait to be done with this process and be divorced. I'm going to have a major "freedom" party.

I like it - I need to plan one too! 

[toomanytears]

The whole process is surreal to me.  I spent most of my childhood pledging to myself that I would never get divorced.  Now I am going through the process and I hate it.  I don't tell my friends about it.  I can't speak the word divorce and I still wear my wedding ring.  I probably will still pretend I'm married after I'm divorced.

I don't want to live with my husband and it's a great relief for him to be out of the house.  But I feel like after my marriage officially ends, things won't really feel different.  It feels like it's happening to someone else.

I think the nature of my husband's BPD means that I have trouble divorcing the good person, when he's being good.  When he's awful, I am glad I am getting away.  It's really confusing.

momtara - You've hit the nail on the head for me... I had to make myself photocopy all his bank statements, pension details etc today. I felt I was betraying the person I love so much, it contradicted everything I have been striving for over the last 31 years... I was discarded but at the same time I feel liberated. Confusing to say the least.

[momtara]

Yes, it does feel like a betrayal at times.  (Odd, considering what a betrayal it is for them to verbally abuse us, lie, etc.!)  We took a vow to be with them in sickness and in health.  That said, there is only so much a lay person can do.  They get counseling, or they don't.  We can't be the counselors.