She came back

[Eric1]

A week ago, she arrived on my doorstep. We went for drinks & she wanted me back. She told me she loved me, missed me etc and would do whatever it takes to make it work. Problem is, she raged again.

She said she was unsure because she doesn't like the arguing, which i told her is something we can deal with.

I sent her this message... .I've changed the spelling.


I've thought about it all. U will lose me, 4 good. This is it now, name. I can't keep cumming & goin. If what u said last night was true & you are going 2 face your issues and deal with them with actions, then I wuld support u - that's the difference. We don't give up, make us stronger, happier & do it together. It's time 2 stop running away from everything and 2 finally work it out. If I'm that important to u, then there won't be an issue. Neither you nor anyone else is at fault 4 your anger. You asked me when we weren't 2gether 'why do I .rage.?' There's reasons for it & ways in which it can be dealt with. I'm positive about the future, if we make the necesary changes. But, we need 2 make a choice now and stick with it

She replied 'I agree with you, give me some time to think x'

Question is, that was last saturday, how long should i give her? If she isn't interested, then I want to know, so i can resume going back to healing. I want to be together, but now knowing if we're coming or going is really starting to make my stuggle.

[ronnnie55]

I think from experience of this, it boils down to how long you are prepared to wait your self. Do you want to wait for her to come back and do you really want her back.

If you try get answers from her you may be met with your trying to push her to make a decision and control her. If you get her to make an answer in her mind is too quickly you will be blamed for the first argument for making her come back when "she wasn’t ready but you forced me to come back"  In my case space meant her trying to move one quickly without me and if that doesn’t work she comes back. 

[Eric1]

It wasn't so much space. She said she had issues she needed to deal with, which i agreed. Then when i sent that message, she said give her some time to think. But, i'm ruminating at the moment. I'd rather we were honest and she said No, i don't want to get back. Or Yes, i do. In that case, i can return to healing again.

I was surprised when she showed up, and probably in shock. I've had time to wiegh everything up, and i do want her in my life.

Should i just message her, being as honest as possible, put all my cards on the table?

[ronnnie55]

Hmmm, can feel my own difficulty from answering this and have thought the same. In my case when i've tried to press the issue I'm just faced with a negative response but she adds in a few words that leave you wondering if the door hasn’t been fully closed, again leaving you non the wiser.

I can imagine her just turning up would be a shock and bring back old feelings and back track your healing process.

I guess if you have weighed it up and its what you want then then its up to you. But I think you also have to give your self a boundary after this to stop you falling in and out of healing your self without her then getting sucked in to old feelings again and hope.  Although that boundary as we all know if bloody difficult!

[Eric1]

The bounderies are in place if she doesn't want to get back. I'm blocking her number, whatsapp and everyother form of communication. I'll also tell her that she will no longer be able to get hold of me. She's left her coat at my house, which i'll give back through her brother.

Should i just send her this... .I love you & want to be with you, (name). If you're not thinking the same, then be honest because i can stop ruminating.

Or is that too full on?

[ronnnie55]

Good, and that really is the best way isn’t it so your not living in a trance of hope.

I agree short and sweet would be how I personally would put it.


The last bit I would change, "If you're not thinking the same, then be honest because i can stop ruminating."


To

" Please let me know if you feel the same way or not because then i can stop ruminating. " Only personally this way as any direct kind of questions are instantly seen as demands by mine which always ends up with negativity. Again your choice might prefer it your way.

I would then give your self a date in which to wait for a response and stick to it. Also try not to let your self keep saying things after. I guess there’s a million different ways we could write things and always wonder if could have been better or not but you have been to the point of what you wanted to ask so that’s all you can do now.

[Eric1]

I don't want to rush her, but if she isn't thinking the same, then it allows me to stop thinking about it and i can return back to moving on.

I love you, (name) & I want to be with you. Be honest & let me know if you don't feel the same. That way, I can stop thinking about it and we can go our seperate ways.

Better?

[ronnnie55]

Yeah I understand you don’t want to rush her, and every person deserves to know what’s going on.

Yeah that sounds much better to me, straight to the point in a friendly way.

[123Phoebe]

I don't want to rush her, but if she isn't thinking the same, then it allows me to stop thinking about it and i can return back to moving on.

I love you, (name) & I want to be with you. Be honest & let me know if you don't feel the same. That way, I can stop thinking about it and we can go our seperate ways.

Better?

Honestly?  Not really.  To me, and I may be wrong, it's loaded with pressure.  It's demanding an answer when she might not have one upon receiving the note.  Black or white.  All or nothing.  In a sense, asking her for permission to let you move on in your life, with or without her, when the decision is ultimately yours and yours alone to make.

I've been there, Eric, and it's not a pleasant place to be on either end.

You want to be with her.  Can you dig a little deeper to find a healthy middle ground?  Have you read the Staying Lessons?

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships

If she truly has BPD, there are ways to communicate with her that will take some of the pressure off, while helping you to better understand your role in the relationship as well.

Please take a look at the Lessons.  They are wonderful for all relationships

 

[Eric1]

If i were to word it differently, what would be the best way of saying what i mean, without applying unesacassry pressure.

[123Phoebe]

Eric, I would skip the note altogether.  Read the Lessons.  Get in better touch with my own values and boundaries, triggers etc.  Learn communication tools to better deal/cope with individual behaviors.  Take the focus off of her and put in on myself and what I actually have control over.

And relax

Rome wasn't built in a day.  Our relationship conflicts can't resolved in one either, or by a single note.

I get it that it's hard and confusing.  These things take time though... .  Sometimes lots of it.  Try to be patient with the process, with her and most importantly... .with yourself

[KE151]

I love you, (name) & I want to be with you. Be honest & let me know if you don't feel the same. That way, I can stop thinking about it and we can go our seperate ways.

I used almost identical words in a message after a period very similar to your situation where she withdrew emotionally and physically (also said she needed time to think and evaluate her own feelings).

Result? I got the complete Silent Treatment. After some weeks I parachuted and broke it off. Painful but necessary for ME. I had focused way too much on her. I had given her the keys to my happiness. I just took them back.

[Eric1]

So, should i just send it and be done with it?

I don't know what shes thinking or feeling, and if it's the complete opposite to me, then i need to know. That way, i can carry on as i was.

[Eric1]

If she's not interested, then surely she would have just said by now?

I think it's safe to say, im rubbish at relationships.

[KE151]

So, should i just send it and be done with it?

I don't know what shes thinking or feeling, and if it's the complete opposite to me, then i need to know. That way, i can carry on as i was.

Don't beat yourself up, I think everyone on this board has had their fair share of difficult r/s's, you are among friends here.

The problem is that her feelings are probably swinging back and forth at a lightning pace that terrifies herself as well. If she's dysregulating, it's pointless to try to somehow calm her down or talk her out of it. Best is to wait and see how it pans out. It's painful and agonizing, I know as I've been there myself. Try to give your mind a rest, go for a walk, see a movie, read a book, something nice that gives you something else to think about.

[Eric1]

I read a great book called way of the peaceful warriror, which i'd like to re-read. But, i let her borrow it when she came back briefly, so can't read that! Think i'm gonna go for a swim.

I just don't know how i should be thinking. I want to watch a band on sunday, and i'd like to take her. Should i just invite her? 

[Lao Tzu]

I think it's safe to say, im rubbish at relationships.

    Eric, my friend do you see the dynamic here?  She dangles you like a worm so you define yourself as a worm, or worse. You can only have an effect on your side of the relationship.  You will feel better when you stop ruminating.  Check.  You need her to let you go so you'll stop ruminating.  Uh... .no.  She probably never will do that (closure is not really likely if she's really a pwBPD) and, as 123Phoebe said, the decision to move on is yours alone.  Figure out what you're getting out of this r/s and find a better way to get it.  That's really the key to getting over this.  It certainly isn't going to happen by asking her to let you go.  If that worked this site would have far fewer posters I imagine.

    Send the note if you need to cycle this pain through a few more times so you can believe it deep down.  123 and I are just trying to save you some anguish.

LT

[Eric1]

That's why I'll block all forms of contact, Lao. But I can't just yet because I don't know what she's thinking. So, I'll message her. How should I word it?

Alright name, what are you thinking about it all? I want to be with you. If you don't feel the same, then we can go our separate ways x

[Lao Tzu]

     Eric,  it doesn't really matter how you word it.  She'll get the message that you're still 'on the line' and that will please her greatly, I imagine.  On the other hand, it will keep you in this rather unhappy place indefinitely because we both know she won't give you the answer you want.

     We create our own Heaven and ascribe it to them.  They then withhold it from us.  The withholding is the point, I think.

LT

[123Phoebe]

Eric, at this moment in time, does it have to be all or nothing?  Either be my girlfriend or I'm going to block you from all forms of communication!

That's how I'm reading this.

I realize that your feelings run much deeper than that and would imagine all kinds of thoughts are swirling through your head.

Is it possible to slow all of that down?  Can you simply go about your life for a few days, do your own thing and put all of this on hold?  Give yourself permission to stop thinking about getting back together.  Then revisit this, in a few days?

[willtimeheal]

Eric, If she wanted to work on herself and the relationship with you there would be nothing to think about. She told you the one day that she would do whatever it takes... and then when told what she needs  to do she replies with... .let me think about it.  I don't think so!  If she really wanted to get better and really wanted to be with you there would be nothing to think about. I am sorry Eric ... .walk away. 

[Eric1]

I had a long chat with a good friend about it all last night. He's had issues with anger etc and issues from afghan that he needed to see a therapist about. His ex at the time (they broke up about 20 times) was in the same position as me and told him that they either do it or they don't. She would support him etc etc He agreed & now he's in therapy, they've never been better. He said what she shown was unconditional love. I've laid my cards on the table to her and she shouldn't need to think about it. She either wants me and it to work or she doesn't.

I'm messaging her later. She makes a desicion.

If it's not what I want to hear, then I carry on as usual. We'll call this a blip in my healing.

[musicfan42]

I had a long chat with a good friend about it all last night. He's had issues with anger etc and issues from afghan that he needed to see a therapist about. His ex at the time (they broke up about 20 times) was in the same position as me and told him that they either do it or they don't. She would support him etc etc He agreed & now he's in therapy, they've never been better. He said what she shown was unconditional love. I've laid my cards on the table to her and she shouldn't need to think about it. She either wants me and it to work or she doesn't.

I'm messaging her later. She makes a desicion.

If it's not what I want to hear, then I carry on as usual. We'll call this a blip in my healing.

How long has your friend been in therapy? Therapy is hard work... .it's not just a quick fix solution, least of all for someone with BPD. I honestly think you're engaging in magical thinking- of just "oh if she goes to therapy, then everything will be alright".

And I just wonder what you're getting from posting here... you seem to be going round in circles... stuck in limbo... not making any decisions... you seem to be perpetually stuck in a place of "should I stay with her or leave her?" Then kind people here tell you that this girl is not good for you but you just seem to do the same thing anyways. It's frustrating to read your threads- to see you make such mistakes.

[Eric1]

I had a long chat with a good friend about it all last night. He's had issues with anger etc and issues from afghan that he needed to see a therapist about. His ex at the time (they broke up about 20 times) was in the same position as me and told him that they either do it or they don't. She would support him etc etc He agreed & now he's in therapy, they've never been better. He said what she shown was unconditional love. I've laid my cards on the table to her and she shouldn't need to think about it. She either wants me and it to work or she doesn't.

I'm messaging her later. She makes a desicion.

If it's not what I want to hear, then I carry on as usual. We'll call this a blip in my healing.

How long has your friend been in therapy? Therapy is hard work... .it's not just a quick fix solution, least of all for someone with BPD. I honestly think you're engaging in magical thinking- of just "oh if she goes to therapy, then everything will be alright".

And I just wonder what you're getting from posting here... you seem to be going round in circles... stuck in limbo... not making any decisions... you seem to be perpetually stuck in a place of "should I stay with her or leave her?" Then kind people here tell you that this girl is not good for you but you just seem to do the same thing anyways. It's frustrating to read your threads- to see you make such mistakes.

He's been with the therapist for 4 months now. Two sessions a week.

I know. I'm going round in circles. I start healing, with a bit of a struggle, then she appears again and i go back to wanting her and doubting everything. I really would give us another chance, which goes against the advice of everyone, i know. I'm frustrating myself, too.

[Pretty Woman]

Eric,

   How many times has she left?