My ex BPD sent me an article about labelling women as crazy

[Diana82]

My BPD ex lover and I recently had a fight and she lashed out at me. It was quite scary.

She then apologised and told me on text that she doesn't feel herself around me. And added that I "make" her feel defensive and have a knack for finding her insecurities. :/

I told her that I can't make anyone act a certain way. And that we are all responsible for our own emotions.

And she then said "Ive already apologised and said I am to blame for my plethora of issues!"

then she sent me this article and said:  "a friend posted this on Facebook. Interesting timing I guess"

www.m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4259779

It's all about how it's really easy to label an ex as crazy.

Why would she send me this? Any ideas? I don't know what to think

[Diana82]

In one section of this article the writer says:

Men on the whole are quick to toss the "crazy" label onto women without stopping to think about it what they're saying. It's almost a reflexive response to a host of behaviors that men find inconvenient or undesirable.

Stop me if any of this sounds like something you've said -- or heard -- in a relationship: "You're overreacting"; ":)on't worry about it so much, you're over-thinking it"; "Stop being so defensive."

[Diana82]

I suppose I have been implying she has overreacted and I told her I think she "sees nastiness when it isn't there".

So obviously now she feels I invalidate her emotions and that's why she sent me this article... .?

I don't know how to respond, if at all. I want to tell her I don't think she's crazy and she had a right to feel what she feels. But at the same time- I have never tried to be nasty to her.

[hergestridge]

The article has a point, but I can see how articles like these are less helpful to women/girls who really have problems that they ought to deal with.

Of course your ex is seeing herself as a victim and this article is just what she needs at this time. The article reverses the roles and makes you the bad guy - granted that her problem is not as big as you make it out to be and that she is not really BPD.

I know lots people - both man and women - who rationalizes all their past break-ups using the DCM-IV. But a doctor would only put a diagnosis on someone who has some sort of trouble in their daily lives related to some sort of maladaptive behavior. Problems with a lover or friend is not enough. Usually, holding an employment or raising a child is the kind of challenge that shows that a person has problem outside of the romantic relationship, and then the "whole picture" is visible all of sudden. For me it was exactly that which made the situation escalate from our/my problem to her problem (and diagnosis/treatment followed). The "crazy" accusations makes much more sense and can't be brushed aside as easily if you look outside of the twosomeness.

[Diana82]

Thanks for your insights...

Yes it seems like she views me as the ex who has invalidated her feelings and brushed her off as 'crazy' cos it's easier. It does seem like victim playing

if anything... I have tried to understand her. But have been thrown accusations and experienced her angry outbursts. 

I replied saying "I don't think you're crazy and you have a right to feel whatever you feel"

I'm not sure what else to say?  anything else might make her explode.   I do feel like saying "Is this aimed at me? you feel I invalidate your feelings and think you're crazy?"

do you think that's a good idea?  she can't just send me a link to an article and say "good timing I guess"

[Diana82]

she also started off her reply by saying "why is this all so important to you?  I have apologised, and absorbed you of any wrongdoing and said I am to blame for my plethora of issues. What else can I do?"

I'm not sure I should indulge this... but I want to ask her why she sent this article to me and if this is how she views me 

But i do think she has BPD still. And I'm certainly not just brushing her off as having BPD... she does have all the symptoms:

- Massive swings in mood/lash outs/angry and passive aggressive outbursts - also sarcastic.

- Unstable sense of self (she always thought she was fat and unattractive when she is extremely thin)

- history of substance abuse

- She misinterprets words and actions as threats against her- even an apology is seen as nasty

- Push/pull ie she avoided me for weeks and then acted like it never happened and said she missed me. She also used to freak out while we were dating if I got too close yet disliked it and was very needy and hurt if I wouldn't stay the night at her place.

- child-like qualities... could never sit still and was quite hyper at times

[Diana82]

I asked her why she sent me the article as it's aimed at someone who invalidates her feelings and brushes her off as crazy.

She replied with an even stranger message saying this:

"Ha! Sorry but I have never been made to feel this way before. Look you're obviously very intelligent and you understand the power of words and use them well. The fact that I keep buying into this saga is driving me a bit loopy!"

 

she is calling this a "saga". And she is the one who sent me that article... .um. Any advice as to what she means? She makes no sense to me. Is this her emotions going wild again and her thoughts all over the place?

[Clearmind]

Its projection. She will blame and accuse and pass the buck to you to make you feel better.

Diana, it appears this is not the first go around with a disorder person. How does this girl compare to the last one?

I guess at some point we need to accept that if recognise traits in a person, and those traits do not makes us feel good - we either need to accept who they are or decide that enough is enough. At what point are you at with this girl?

[Diana82]

Hi

Well, I asked her again what relevance the article has to me and she said "you shouldn't label women crazy just cos you deem their behaviour inappropriate. It's so patronising"

And I said "When have I labelled you crazy?"

Her response was "You don't have to. Everyone I know already does it. Anyway Im really bored of this".

I lost my cool at this point as she was the one sending me this stuff. So I told her to stop sending me these self destructive messages that bait a response and that I was tired of being made to feel bad over the way others treat her. I also told her to focus her bitterness elsewhere.

She went totally silent. I heard nothing in over a week.

I felt a bit bad... so I ended up texting her a week later saying "Hey, I'm sorry others label you. Please know, I don't. I hope you're alright... " and then sent her a link to some South America holiday tips I thought she'd like.

I have not heard from her still. It's been 2.5 weeks now.

I suspect she took offence to my first message.

But who knows... I feel pretty crap still as I wanted to be on friendly terms.

I feel I should have just ignored a lot of her baiting texts and just not taken anything personally. I have no idea if I'll hear from her.

But I am content in knowing I've treated her well overall and I am obviously a trigger for get insecurities.

[Diana82]

And it gets weirder...

I saw my ex riding a bike along my street 3 weeks ago...

And her 2 x exes have tried to add me on Facebook in the past week.  I don’t know what to think!