Bpdh pleading for me to go back at D's birthday party

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I left a year ago. Itsbeen a rollercoaster year. I set up a new business and started dating and for  a while felt liberated and was myself again. My ex seemed to be parenting well and responsibly. But since the end of the summer, when I moved from temporary accommodation into a house with a long term rental contract, he has put new psychological pressure on me, silence, abusive emails, non cooperation, stalking me on a dating site that I have gone downhill

Last week our daughter celebrated her 12th birthday. She organised an outing to bowling then a party back at Dads house (where we have always had a party for each child, there is loads of space). The day before I rang exBPD and he claimed to know nothing about a party, and we could not have it there as he was repainting the living room and thenplace was in chaos. I went round to see and he berated the children for not having phoned him the last two nights they had been wi me. I overheard my saying to S10 that they should not contact him anymore. This led to hysteria by my daughter, and me. I said he had started painting on purpose. He did his hyena laugh at me which confirmed that was true.

He rang me a few hours later to say dont worry dhe could have the party and he would clear up.he said we should go and help but I was busy on the phone to mums, the cake, ordering food, buying drinks, presents... .

The party went ahead the next day and my daughter had a wonderful time, lovely friends, fun, presents, music, Just Dance, she had a special dress and was so happy. But after bowling when we got back to exs house, he started a campaign of making me go back, massaging my neck, when I refused to talk about it getting more desperate, pleading with me infront of mybdaughters friends, and finally coming in to the street as I tried to leave and shouting then crying, my kids saw this too. Even though I saw him so desperate I was in shock, I couldnt reach out and comfort him... .and I am so sad.

As I wrote recently about a month ago he started seeing a new psychologist weekly, and he had said I could speak to her and given me her number. I rang her on Monday and told her my suspected diagnosis was BPD. For the first timeI heard a professional say that he has serious fears of abandonment, that I should be kind and realise he is ill but is making a commitment to cognitive therapy, which would take time, and she would like to meet me in January when the therapy has continued for a while.

I have been a wreck this week and have been binge eating and drinking, was very tempted to go on internet dates for sex to help myself escape from the pain, but managed to resist this and from day I am starting to eat properly again... .

So friends on bpdfamily, that is where I am a year on, taking each week and each day as a new challenge, at least knowing I have the refuge of my own house and space to recover in, which makes life marginally more tolerable than before... .! And I also have a wonderful job and two amazing children and great friends so really lots to smile about. Perhaps there is hope that my ex will get better, whether I will ever go back is a big question mark... .to tell you the truth in my heart the thought panics me, I feel it is what I should do for him and the kids... .but I have to put that decision on hold for a long time and let things fall into place as they inevitably will... .

Thank you for listening, it would be great to hear if any of you are in this situation?

[Cmjo]

I left a year ago. Itsbeen a rollercoaster year. I set up a new business and started dating and for  a while felt liberated and was myself again. My ex seemed to be parenting well and responsibly. But since the end of the summer, when I moved from temporary accommodation into a house with a long term rental contract, he has put new psychological pressure on me, silence, abusive emails, non cooperation, stalking me on a dating site that I have gone downhill

Last week our daughter celebrated her 12th birthday. She organised an outing to bowling then a party back at Dads house (where we have always had a party for each child, there is loads of space). The day before I rang exBPD and he claimed to know nothing about a party, and we could not have it there as he was repainting the living room and thenplace was in chaos. I went round to see and he berated the children for not having phoned him the last two nights they had been wi me. I overheard my saying to S10 that they should not contact him anymore. This led to hysteria by my daughter, and me. I said he had started painting on purpose. He did his hyena laugh at me which confirmed that was true.

He rang me a few hours later to say dont worry dhe could have the party and he would clear up.he said we should go and help but I was busy on the phone to mums, the cake, ordering food, buying drinks, presents... .

The party went ahead the next day and my daughter had a wonderful time, lovely friends, fun, presents, music, Just Dance, she had a special dress and was so happy. But after bowling when we got back to exs house, he started a campaign of making me go back, massaging my neck, when I refused to talk about it getting more desperate, pleading with me infront of mybdaughters friends, and finally coming in to the street as I tried to leave and shouting then crying, my kids saw this too. Even though I saw him so desperate I was in shock, I couldnt reach out and comfort him... .and I am so sad.

As I wrote recently about a month ago he started seeing a new psychologist weekly, and he had said I could speak to her and given me her number. I rang her on Monday and told her my suspected diagnosis was BPD. For the first timeI heard a professional say that he has serious fears of abandonment, that I should be kind and realise he is ill but is making a commitment to cognitive therapy, which would take time, and she would like to meet me in January when the therapy has continued for a while.

I have been a wreck this week and have been binge eating and drinking, was very tempted to go on internet dates for sex to help myself escape from the pain, but managed to resist this and from day I am starting to eat properly again... .

So friends on bpdfamily, that is where I am a year on, taking each week and each day as a new challenge, at least knowing I have the refuge of my own house and space to recover in, which makes life marginally more tolerable than before... .! And I also have a wonderful job and two amazing children and great friends so really lots to smile about. Perhaps there is hope that my ex will get better, whether I will ever go back is a big question mark... .to tell you the truth in my heart the thought panics me, I feel it is what I should do for him and the kids... .but I have to put that decision on hold for a long time and let things fall into place as they inevitably will... .

Thank you for listening, it would be great to hear if any of you are in this situation?

[Matt]

Seems like you really need some distance from him.  Maybe you can communicate with him by e-mail only, and not phone or face-to-face, so the drama will taper off.

If you had it to do over again, how could the party be planned so it would work out better?

The first year we were separated, I had lousy boundaries.  I invited my ex to Thankgiving and Christmas dinner at my house, and we celebrated kids' birthdays together.  It went OK but it felt very awkward - she wasn't in therapy and didn't really respect the boundaries I had, and I wasn't clear about them at all.

After a while I realized it was going in a bad direction, so I set more clear boundaries.  I moved, and never invited her into the house.  Very little phone or face-to-face, mostly e-mail, and only about the kids - nothing about the past or my personal life.

It works pretty well - still a little awkward and I wish I could remove her from my life completely, but it works OK.  My kids are now 15 and 17, and they mostly manage their own contact with her, so I'm less involved - almost no reason for me to talk directly to their mom.  I think you can probably move in that same direction - not all at once but more and more distance, every way you can figure out how.

[momtara]

Yes, the same things are happening to me.  He does things to agitate me, "forgets" things, does things that mess with the kids' minds, then offers foot rubs and stuff.  I would never get on a dating site, for fear of agitating him.

If you look on the staying/going board, you'll see that I am a few weeks away from the end of my divorce and I am still going back and forth on it, for similar reasons to you - hubby is seeing a shrink and the shrink thinks I should call off the divorce so he has the chance to get better.  He was the one who pushed for the divorce, though, then regretted it.  I also feared that the longer I waited, the more he'd participate with the kids and then he could try to get 50/50 custody.  So I didn't want to take chances.

I think you are in a good place.  Doesn't seem like you have to make a big decision now.  They say it takes at least a year of consistent behavior to see if someone is improving.  So tell him you need his behavior to improve consistently, assume there will be fallbacks, but give it time.  Don't do any halfway stuff like having sex with him on occasion.  You need to detach a bit.

Maybe you should wait a bit regarding dating, too, but up to you.  It does get lonely fighting this battle alone.  Please keep me updated!

[Matt]

hubby is seeing a shrink and the shrink thinks I should call off the divorce so he has the chance to get better.

I wonder if this is true.  Did the psychologist say this directly to you?

I think a competent psychologist or psychiatrist wouldn't say something like this.  His patient's problems are his own, and the psychologist should be helping him through talk-therapy, or maybe meds too, depending on what the problems are.  But telling someone else - his ex-wife - that they should do what he wants them to, so he will "get better", makes no sense at all.

We each need to decide what is best for ourselves - to be in the relationship or not to be.  Thinking "I'll get back together so then the other party will get better." isn't healthy or practical.

[momtara]

Well, it is the type of thing my hubby would lie about.  But no, his shrink did say something similar directly to me a few months ago.  He asked how serious I was about the divorce, and said that postponing would give my husband a better chance to work on things.  Going through a divorce is going to add to the stress, obviously.  But at that time I felt I couldn't put it on hold.  Now I go back and forth on it, but I am proceeding.

[Cmjo]

Thanks for replies... .I think this thread is about how we respond to the begging and pleading at inappropriate moments and them taking advantage of our weakness and our wish to be nice and make it easier for the kids, but also the fact that some of us find it really hard to detach... .Ijust cant give up the guilt and worry for him, he was the love of my life and the man I chose to settle down with and start a family... .he was wonderful to me in many ways, which somehow blank out the reasons I left.

Matt I realise I should have given him more advance warning of the party instead of assuming he knew all about it, he was punishing me for my lack of contact with him... .

Emails are hard because his replies are unoredictable, sometimes he doesnt respond or acknowledge, sometimes he responds abusively. I know I shouldnt be bullied, but should at least try to communicate.

I agree Im not ready for dating but occasional dinners out with a man who tells me Im beautiful does no harm to the ego. Cuddles and a good laugh are a good tonic.  I will not be ready for another serious relationship for a long time.

The advice of waiting for at least a year of consistency was really valuable. But he wants black or white answers NOW such as am I going back or not and should he find another woman?

I need to wait for a calm moment and look him in the eye and say I am happy he is in therapy, I am impressed by the doctor he is seeing and I hope he will keep going, I want to make no decisonss for a couple of years and live separate and concentrate on the kids, we will have to wait and see... .About us and the long term... .

[momtara]

that is EXACTLY what my hubby did.  he wanted a black and white answer at that moment.  he claimed he couldn't stay where he was, he was sick, etc.  he said if I was leaning toward divorce, I should get it over with so he could move on.

so I filed.  and it turned out he COULD stay where he was, and he wasn't really sick.  maybe he was trying to manipulate me into letting him come home, or maybe he truly thought he couldn't survive away.  maybe he was just being lack and white, as BPD forces someone to do.  but regardless, I filed partly based on his pressure.

that put us into a situation where we couldn't really talk, I couldn't help him with his treatment, and we had to be adversaries.  it was also expensive each step of the way.  he kept asking me to stop the divorce, but at that point I had to be consistent or it would look bad for custody, etc.

if I had to do it over again I would have waited a little longer.  

if he tells you he wants an answer NOW, say you are not ready to make a decision now, or tell him you are not ready and if the choice is yes/no, you have to answer no.  but you are willing to give it time to see if he gets better.

my hubby never mentioned wanting to date other women, and still doesn't want to, so yours may be different.  maybe yours moves on faster.  I can only talk about my situation.  

Mine was my first real love too.  And he loves me for ME.  very few do.  That is hard to walk away from.  However, I am trying to figure out if he wants to come home because he likes me as a person, or just because he misses being taken care of, and all the other good things that come with being home.

I didn't necessarily want a divorce - I just knew I couldn't live with him.  It will still be years before I can.  It is hard with young kids, though, esp sharing custody.

[Matt]

I think gray areas are hard for the kids too.  They want to know what's going to happen.

I had always told the kids, when their mom threatened divorce, that she was upset, but we would never get a divorce.  And I meant

Things changed, and we separated unexpectedly.  When the kids asked if we were going to get divorced, I said yes.  But when their mom suggested couples counseling - while we were still separated - I agreed, and we did that for several months.  But I didn't tell the kids, because I didn't want them to get their hopes up.  It didn't work, and then I told them when the divorce was final, but that made no difference to them - the only real event was when we separated.

Kids need stability and security.  When we aren't sure what's going to happen, I think it's best if we keep our doubts to ourselves most of the time, and provide them with the most solid answers we can give them.  Then later if things change, we can deal with that.

[ForeverDad]

cmjo... .he was obviously obstructing you, playing with you, manipulating you, as in "No way... .okay, I will... .now you have to come back."

One solution some parents have had to utilize is to have separate celebrations.  Usually the holidays and events are alternated between parents from year to year.  They concluded the only way to have a measure of peace is to do their own events on their own parenting time if it is not their year.

momtara... .it is what it is.  Sadly you can't afford to make decisions in his favor since that would be sabotaging you.

To both... .You have to live your life as you see proper, appropriate and reasonably good for you.  So do consider all the factors but give more (decision-making) weight to your needs and the children's needs. Your ex is an adult, he needs to live his own life too, how else will he learn to do so if he is protected from every stressor?  Yeah, it's lousy that it might throw a wrench into his therapy, but there's no guarantee that even if you kept trying not to trigger him (probably by appeasing) that he wouldn't be stressed by innumerable other things anyway.  So do what you think is right for you and Let Go worries about the rest.