DD14 Arrested

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I called DD yesterday to see if she needed anything and to tell her that there was a change in the day for the family meeting because I had my son today (last day of weekly custodial time) and had to get him to school and that we were rescheduling for tomorrow when I don't have him. She went off. Started crying saying how it's all about him (usually says it's all about me), how she was going to forgive me for sendind her there but now isn't since I'm making her stay another day, how her father hates me and even said how she doesn't need to be there, etc. I calmly told her I was sorry she felt that way but that it is what it is and that I will see her Tuesday. She hung up on me.  I called back to ask how, with the exception of the 5 minutes I was on the phone with her, how she was doing. The therapist said she heard the conversation and heard how DD was trying to manipulate me and play both sides of the fence. She said that DD was playing the game to get out of there, but how she takes no responsbility for being there.  I figured as much. She isn't ready to accept something is wrong and to want to make changes.

My mother is living with us and is on hospice and one of her nurses told me the other day she was just like my DD. I asked what was it that made her snap out of it and want to get better. She said she didn't really know. But she said the starting point was when she got a DWI and had a young son. That that was when things started to change for the better for her. At 30! I'm like 30? Good grief.

She recommended Al-Anon as well. And she pounded in my head that it is not my fault. That was nice to hear from someone who was like my DD. Because I think many of us have questioned at one time or another, if we somehow were to blame... .

[raytamtay3]

I called DD yesterday to see if she needed anything and to tell her that there was a change in the day for the family meeting because I had my son today (last day of weekly custodial time) and had to get him to school and that we were rescheduling for tomorrow when I don't have him. She went off. Started crying saying how it's all about him (usually says it's all about me), how she was going to forgive me for sendind her there but now isn't since I'm making her stay another day, how her father hates me and even said how she doesn't need to be there, etc. I calmly told her I was sorry she felt that way but that it is what it is and that I will see her Tuesday. She hung up on me.  I called back to ask how, with the exception of the 5 minutes I was on the phone with her, how she was doing. The therapist said she heard the conversation and heard how DD was trying to manipulate me and play both sides of the fence. She said that DD was playing the game to get out of there, but how she takes no responsbility for being there.  I figured as much. She isn't ready to accept something is wrong and to want to make changes.

My mother is living with us and is on hospice and one of her nurses told me the other day she was just like my DD. I asked what was it that made her snap out of it and want to get better. She said she didn't really know. But she said the starting point was when she got a DWI and had a young son. That that was when things started to change for the better for her. At 30! I'm like 30? Good grief.

She recommended Al-Anon as well. And she pounded in my head that it is not my fault. That was nice to hear from someone who was like my DD. Because I think many of us have questioned at one time or another, if we somehow were to blame... .

[Matt]

"what was it that made her snap out of it and want to get better."  The key question!

On your other thread, Scallops mentioned "rock bottom" - something so unpleasant that you decide to change.  The problem is, it's different for every individual, and you never know when someone hits their rock bottom - it's only clear much later, looking back.  You can say, "On December 2, 2013, I got a DUI, and went to jail, and that's when I knew I needed help."  But it means nothing til later - you might think it's true, but only time will tell.

My son went to prison - not jail, state prison - for four months, after getting his 3rd DUI - a felony in my state.  He was very affected by it, and swore he would never drink again, and I believed him - and I still believe he meant it.

He drank again less than 48 hours after getting out of prison.

For somebody else, their first DUI might do the trick.  Or spending just one night in jail.  Or losing their job.  Or losing their girlfriend or boyfriend.  Or whatever - different for everybody, and only clear looking back, after a few years of sobriety.  "Looking back, it was losing my job that got my attention.  That's when I got help and why I'm sober today, five years later."

So... .trying to figure out what will "make her snap out of it" probably won't work.  In fact, nothing you do will work - nothing will fix her - and the harder you try, the more you'll be dragged into her chaos and misery.

But you also can't give up - you're a mom and moms don't give up.  (Dads either.)

This is where Al-Anon and counseling help - boundaries so you can be who you are, and not lose yourself in this struggle you can't win.  You can make sure - and repeat it a million times - that she knows you love her and you always will, and that when she's ready your door will be open.  And still maintain the boundaries you and your husband decide are right.

One boundary I learned - it was hard for me but I developed the disciplined - is that when someone speaks unfairly to me on the phone, I hang up, and if they call back I don't answer.  But the next time they call, I don't mention it, it's forgotten, and we can have a good chat.  This has been super-important, because my son has spent a lot of time in rehab and prison, and calling home is a big deal, so he only had to hear that click a couple times to learn that there won't be any more conversations like that.  Now he's very respectful and honest - a huge change - a wonderful young man I'm very proud of and love to be around.  But it took several years, and nothing I could have done would have made it happen sooner, til he decided he wanted to change.

That's my key point here:  You can't fix her, you can't make her "snap out of it", and you can't know when that will happen.  You can make sure she knows you love her, you can set and maintain boundaries, and you can research options which might help when she's ready.  And you can take care of yourself, which will mean learning new ways to have some distance.

I wish it was easier!

Best wishes,

Matt