A Change in Tactics

[Verbena]

From March until August I was mostly NC with my DD28, and from August until just recently I only saw her twice--four times if you count running into her while on errands.  Life has been very peaceful for almost three months.  Now, I have seen DD three times in just the past couple of weeks, and it's clear things have changed. 

I get the feeling that DD is trying to reign herself with the more outrageous behavior (which is good), but she  has substituted passive agressive behavior instead.  She pulls me in and then shuts me out, mainly by ignoring calls or texts completely while making a point to communicate much more often than normal with her father, my H. 

Honestly, I'm okay with very limited contact because it's just easier for everybody.  I'm just sick of the re-instatement of the push/pull game in the past two weeks.  I'm also mad at myself for falling for it.  Part of me thinks that two can play at this game and I just won't answer her calls or respond to her texts (the next time she decides to pull me back), but I know that's not right either.  Plus that's not my nature.  I'm used to the push/pull cycle, but screaming and accusations and other craziness have always accompanied it in the past.  This is new territory for me and I would welcome your thoughts on how to handle it, or better yet, put a stop to it--if that's even possible. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

Isn't that push/pull tiring?

I am usually in it before I catch it however once I do catch it I pull out until I believe she is in a better spot. I do pull out gently, ending with an I Love You with every message. 

I find when I approach it this way, she will attack a few more times, withdraw/disappear then reappear as if it never happened. 

I enjoy the freedom of the nc... enjoy the reappear because it is usually a good spot but emotionally brace myself for he tug-o-war to begin.

[Verbena]

Isn't that push/pull tiring?

I am usually in it before I catch it however once I do catch it I pull out until I believe she is in a better spot. I do pull out gently, ending with an I Love You with every message. 

I find when I approach it this way, she will attack a few more times, withdraw/disappear then reappear as if it never happened. 

I enjoy the freedom of the nc... enjoy the reappear because it is usually a good spot but emotionally brace myself for he tug-o-war to begin

I never cease to be amazed at how the people here "get it" when it comes to these situations.  It's almost as if we're talking about something completely normal.  I guess this is our "normal".  It just depresses me to think the push/pull will never change. 

My first instict is to get away from her as quickly as possible.  I admit I don't always pull away gently.  I guess I need to work on that. 

As of this morning, I've been pulled in again with a text from DD reminding me I need to be sure to RSVP to a mutual friend's Christmas party.  My husband is saying I should go.   I am saying why should I give DD another opportunity  to blame me for offending her as she just did over a comment I don't even remember making at a bridal shower she recently gave. 

I am so sick of feeling guilty, almost as sick as I am over putting myself in situations like this.