Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 20, 2021, 02:16:41 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: She wants to be completely independent from people  (Read 5291 times)
Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« on: November 24, 2013, 05:21:25 AM »

Hello,

this morning i got a message on my phone from my exBPDgf... .she broke our relation after 15 months... .telling me that she needs "to be selfish" and work on her self,that she doesn't want a relationship with no one anymore ("love retirement"  and she doesn't believe in us anymore (off course,after have been "the man of her life","her soulmate","i will love you forever and after" and all the "repertory"... .she USED to be a WAIF BPD,extremely depressed and needing... .not she shows that she's strong and wants to be completely independent from people... .she lives alone with her 5 years old child (she's 25) and seems fine with her "new life" (new job,new friends,new flat)

When she broke up in september i wrote her several times prayng her to change her mind... .without any result off course... .and this made me feel i'm the "needing WAIF" now... .she wrote me on fb last time on the 9th of november just to deny me my wish to have a phone conversation... .me i was not writing her already since a couple of weeks... .i'm not completely on NC since in the last weeks i go often on her fb profile to see what's going on... .but without leave traces of my activity... .she posts stuff about "independency" (from love,from people) and songs "against" me and about the end of our relationship (she said she's not bitter with me,why then still posting all this stuff about us if you really want to pass over?)... .i didn't displayed her last message on fb to don't show her that i'm checking what's goin on anyway even without be active on the social network,i got it by the email fb sent me... .pratically i'm disappeared... .and not ready for a total NC... .and i have no idea about what i'm doing... .i would love just to have her back in despite of everything... .and the healty part of me whispers in my head telling me i'm crazy to want her back... .but it's stronger than me... .i would pass over ALL the bad things happened and try to be together again,especially now i know many more things about her BPD... .

I don't know why she wrote me... .don't think she's thinkinbg to recycle me (for what she told,she never recycled NO ONE on her past bf,just tired with her son's father without success) and plus we live in different countires so i don't think she would tell me "i want to see you,jump on a plane and came here for a coffee!" ... .useless to say that i feel a big shame since a big part of me desires strongly to be recycled... .i'm still in the FOG too,didn't move out from the end of the relationship... .

This morning she wrote : " Good morning... .i was just thinking at you... and was a bit worried that you never replied to me... .im sorry if i'm disturbing you... .i guess that i might be the last person... .that you want to hear about... .i just hope you're fine"

I'm in panic... .don't know what to do... .especially cause in the back of my mind i'm still thinking about which behaviours i should have to make her miss me or start thinking to want me back... .i'm splitten... .what she wants REALLY?she's just REALLY worried about me or there's something else going on under? since we broke up i feel i'm the pwBPD and she's the healty one and i'm going crazy... .

In the last days i'm thinking to tell her that i know everything about her BPD (we never REALLY faced the issue,even cause i knew pratically nothing until a couple of months ago) to speak to her in a very clear and honest way about her BPD,that i want to help her and love her... she always wanted a "true love" (is what she said) then why push away someone who in despite of all her "troubles" and problems still choose to stay close to her with patience and dedition? everyone else would escape,it's a non-sense!

Did someone tried to face "them" in this way telling them everything in this way?making them facing their behaviours explaning WHY thewy act in that way?

I don't know what to do... .i'm in limbo  :'( i'm here looking at the phone like an idiot... .and scared she could try to call me... .cause i don't know if i should reply or not... .help!
Logged
HarmKrakow
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1226


« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2013, 05:30:48 AM »

Hello,

this morning i got a message on my phone from my exBPDgf... .she broke our relation after 15 months... .telling me that she needs "to be selfish" and work on her self,that she doesn't want a relationship with no one anymore ("love retirement"  and she doesn't believe in us anymore (off course,after have been "the man of her life","her soulmate","i will love you forever and after" and all the "repertory"... .she USED to be a WAIF BPD,extremely depressed and needing... .not she shows that she's strong and wants to be completely independent from people... .she lives alone with her 5 years old child (she's 25) and seems fine with her "new life" (new job,new friends,new flat)

When she broke up in september i wrote her several times prayng her to change her mind... .without any result off course... .and this made me feel i'm the "needing WAIF" now... .she wrote me on fb last time on the 9th of november just to deny me my wish to have a phone conversation... .me i was not writing her already since a couple of weeks... .i'm not completely on NC since in the last weeks i go often on her fb profile to see what's going on... .but without leave traces of my activity... .she posts stuff about "independency" (from love,from people) and songs "against" me and about the end of our relationship (she said she's not bitter with me,why then still posting all this stuff about us if you really want to pass over?)... .i didn't displayed her last message on fb to don't show her that i'm checking what's goin on anyway even without be active on the social network,i got it by the email fb sent me... .pratically i'm disappeared... .and not ready for a total NC... .and i have no idea about what i'm doing... .i would love just to have her back in despite of everything... .and the healty part of me whispers in my head telling me i'm crazy to want her back... .but it's stronger than me... .i would pass over ALL the bad things happened and try to be together again,especially now i know many more things about her BPD... .

I don't know why she wrote me... .don't think she's thinkinbg to recycle me (for what she told,she never recycled NO ONE on her past bf,just tired with her son's father without success) and plus we live in different countires so i don't think she would tell me "i want to see you,jump on a plane and came here for a coffee!" ... .useless to say that i feel a big shame since a big part of me desires strongly to be recycled... .i'm still in the FOG too,didn't move out from the end of the relationship... .

This morning she wrote : " Good morning... .i was just thinking at you... and was a bit worried that you never replied to me... .im sorry if i'm disturbing you... .i guess that i might be the last person... .that you want to hear about... .i just hope you're fine"

I'm in panic... .don't know what to do... .especially cause in the back of my mind i'm still thinking about which behaviours i should have to make her miss me or start thinking to want me back... .i'm splitten... .what she wants REALLY?she's just REALLY worried about me or there's something else going on under? since we broke up i feel i'm the pwBPD and she's the healty one and i'm going crazy... .

In the last days i'm thinking to tell her that i know everything about her BPD (we never REALLY faced the issue,even cause i knew pratically nothing until a couple of months ago) to speak to her in a very clear and honest way about her BPD,that i want to help her and love her... she always wanted a "true love" (is what she said) then why push away someone who in despite of all her "troubles" and problems still choose to stay close to her with patience and dedition? everyone else would escape,it's a non-sense!

Did someone tried to face "them" in this way telling them everything in this way?making them facing their behaviours explaning WHY thewy act in that way?

I don't know what to do... .i'm in limbo  :'( i'm here looking at the phone like an idiot... .and scared she could try to call me... .cause i don't know if i should reply or not... .help!

Oh do I remember those glory days. I even remember texts like, I havent heard from you, how are you? I worry! It's all part of the disorder.

Many people tried to tell their partners about BPD and many all got in a much worse period after. Don't do it. You don't stick a hornets nest without expecting to be hurt.
Logged
Jbt857
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 271


« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2013, 06:37:39 AM »

She's just poking the ground with a stick to see if anything comes up.

I know it's easy to read between the lines to make that contact anything you want it to be. But she's testing the water. Or bored. Or craving attention. Or... .any number of things really. But she isn't on her knees begging for you back. This contact isn't about you. If she is BPD, she probably isn't capable of worrying about you.

And even if she was begging for you back, going back isn't going to make it better.

I would love nothing more than for someone to wave a magic wand and make it all right between me and my ex husband. And I've also driven myself crazy wondering if I have BPD (most recently this week). I had come a reasonable way on my journey and I'm a big '3 steps backwards' right now.

But objectively, I know its a case that my heart hasn't caught up with my head. A part of me knows unequivocally that he was the one with BPD (I only have to go back and read some of our emails) and I also know from everything I have learned about BPD here and from history of how our marriage progressed (steadily worse) to know that going back is pointless. I have to wade through this pain to get to the other side. Holding onto the crumb of knowledge that my marriage really is hopelessly lost and there is no other way. Which is so incredibly painful to admit.

This contact isn't a sign of anything other than someone looking for some validation.

You get to choose what to do with it. You don't have to answer the phone if she calls. You don't have to respond. If you do, you're just feeding the continuation of the hurt, but I think most of us done that at some point. Smh.

I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. But you know most people here will tell you to ignore it, right? Smiling (click to insert in post)




Logged
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2013, 06:39:07 AM »

She is trying to reengage you. If you let her back in, it will only be a matter of time before she hurts you again like she did the first time and discards you again, even more cruelly. That is what happened to me. Even if you tell her what about BPD, it wont make any difference. I told mine about her BPD, end result? No difference. I know you are hurting. Try with all your willpower to not respond to her message. By the way, i am Italian born like you.  

Hang in there.
Logged
Changingman
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2013, 06:57:28 AM »

Words, what do you think? Is she bored? Does she need an ego burst from you, is her world not chaotic enough at the moment? Has she changed any? Are you any different? This is hard for you, I wouldn't be here if I was better, but I'm not her toy anymore. Think about yourself getting better. Crazy is as crazy does, words and feelings are temporary, serious commitment to your heart and feelings are alien to her, giving her your inner life has proved just painful for you hasn't it? This is masocistic! Stop letting others be responsible for your happiness, they're not... .you are. And she has proved she is careless with your happiness or worst. Treat yourself, put some love into yourself. Unhook yourself from the pain.

Change your telephone number. Think about how your future will be better without this torment. Become your strong happy self, let that live.

Good luck be strong
Logged
Surnia
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3901



« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2013, 07:08:13 AM »

Hi Nicco

A stressful moment - many here went through similar things. 

It is difficult to deal with those phone calls out of the blue!

its okay to have some panicked feelings running. Perhaps you can take some deep breathings.

Perhaps its time to work through some things like your FOG. Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I agree with others, you don't have to answer her. I suggest sometimes wait at least 24 hours before you think again about texting back.
Logged

“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2013, 07:35:22 AM »

Thanks to you all... .this community is really the only "sunray" that i got from few months until now Smiling (click to insert in post)

Sometimes i thought that she pushed me away cause looking at me she has to face what she really is,what she does,her behaviours,her sick ways to love... .and she just can't handle a real confrontation with her self... .i would tell her that she's not a monster,that she deserve to beloved like everyone,that she doesn't have to be worried for what she really is,with me... .that i accept her ALL like she is... in the good (many aspects) and in the bad (many aspects too).

There's something else that maybe made her push me away... .talking apart about the fact that is true that we had more problems than happy moments (once again her lucidity to see all this surprise me and make me wonder if she's really BPD) a terrible thing happenbed this summer... .i'm still not able to think about without feel the need to run to the toile to throw.i'm gonna explain... .don't know if happened the same to someone else... .really hope not.

Like i said,me i'm italian my ex is french and we met on internet.when i met her she was desperate and forced to live with her parents who "apparently" (i can't be sure about nothing she told me,at this point) never cared about her and just made her suffer and been terrible with her.seems that after one of her attempts,at the hospital,her father told her "i would prefer to see you dead instead of still alive ruining our life".

when she decide to leave Italy to come back in France i desperately tried to make her mind change... .me i was working here but my family had huge economic problems and i had to give them half of my month pay... .every month... .she looked for a job when she was here but without success since she doesn't know the language and i live in a small town... .we had some problems among us too... a month earlier she started a triangulation with a 48 years old man who gave us the chance to ARG very often... .she told me many bullhits during those months... .so after this stressing period she decided to move back in france with her son to look for a job and a flat FOR US... .all this moved by the strong will to don't ask help to her parents... .for nothing in the world... .her parents live in the country side of Paris,2 hours far from the city by transports... .a pain in the ass while someone has to work in Paris-city.

When she left i still was her "soulmate" and in her mind she was going in France to set the bases for our future toghether... .now i regret that i didn't forced her to stay... .so she took her 5 years old child and jumped on the plane for Paris... .useless to say that she found her self in a very crap situation... .with a child,no money (and me not able to help her),no food,no place to sleep,she asked help to the social assistance and the got a lil bit of help... .she moved from an hotel room to another with her son for a while,just to don't go back to her parent's home... .she moved in May,in June she was still writing me "i'll love you forever,i miss you,soon we'll be togehter again" ... .me i was worried to death and already completely lost without any control on my mind,feelings,everything... .at the end of June the first "sunray"... .she found a long term job... .great... .but there was a problem... .if she goes to work,who cares about the child? if you replied "his grandpa and grandma" you are wrong! even if in the while the fact she was back in France was not a mistery for them anymore she didn't wanted to ask them nothing (i don't know how she explained all this to them) for sure she knew that me i was ready to sacrifice myself and to do it for her... .pratically she asked me to go there and pick up him to bring him back with me in italy (she asked me in a nice way and was a curious fact,less than a week before when i told her that i wanted to go to find them she told me sha was not in the mood for a romatnic meeting).

So i went there i took the boy and i'm back here in two days... .and she's been enough warm to me,never like before but she was nice anyway... .so she begun to work... and me here i was working 8 hours a day,studing and doing exams for university and keeping her son so i was pretty busy,very tired and very worried about everything anyway... .in the while she was telling me about her economic problems... .she was under 800 euro in her bank account... .me i was telling her to come back here cause i had no chance to send her the money she was in need,cause the sitaution was tragic in italy too so insted of stay there without money,in hotel,in a stressing situation was better to come back in Italy where she would have me in love with her and ready to build something here in few time... .she didnt' wanted... .i suggested to go back to her parents home since EVRYTHING was better than starve and have problems to live even day by day... .she KILLED me with her words,telling me i was crazy and that for any reason in the world she would come back with them,even if temporary... .me i was depserate cause i was feeling that i was losign her... .until that moment our communication was still "warm" anyway and she was still telling me often that she was in love with me... .at the end of June she totally changed from oine day to another apparently wuthout reason... .from one day to another she becomed cold and far... .when i asked why she told that she was very stressed and not able to be lovely with me anymore but to don't be worried about... .she becomed lil by lil colder and strat strange behaviours like disappear for two days or "forgetting" to call me when i was looking for her... .she told me she was having some "fun" with her new workmates since for the first time in her life she was free,without her son and able to hang out a lil bit with people... .she asked me "there's something bad if for once in my life i forget about my son and my fiancè and i have a lil bit of fun?sorry my heart,i love you deeply and you knwo that i just passing some time by myself with myfriends who helo me feeling less alone"... .off curse i was feeling guilty about my thoughts... .but everything was getting worst and worst quickly... .in the middle of July i was destrooyed by anxiety,suspects,FOG... .and everytime i was looking for her,for a lil bit of warm from her to feel that she was still with her i was only getting a cold wall abgainst my face... .and i was in hell... .she begun to post strange stuff on fb... .songs like "where did you sleep last night" or songs about the need to lie sometimes to the people we love... .i asked her if there was something i needed to know... .she always told me "not at all,it's only music and i'm just stressed by this situation... .and i still don't find a flat" ... .LIE... .in the middle of july one night she wrote me "tonight stay online,i need to talk with you" ... .and i discovered the terrible true... .my sweet half,my heart,my beautiful angel that i just wanted to have back to desperately love told me that since a month she was working like receptionist,yes,but not only... .since a month she was PROSTITUTING herself on many escorts-website with old business man... .she was giving sex for money... .instead of come back in italy or go to her parents she prefered to become a prostitute!

Something inside myself is dead that night.I completely lost my head,i started to scream,to cry,to crush things while we were having the conversation on Skype... .since that moment i never had control over my mind and feelings anymore... .my girlfriend who was supposed to love me and who just wanted to spend her life with me was a prostitute... .telling me lies... .while i was killing my self here so much i was tired for keeping her son,going to work and doing exams (she always complained i was "lazy" about university and that was a big problems for our relationship).

She told me that she had no choice cause was a desperate situation but that she told me everything cause she "deeply loved me" ... .few time after she broke our relation i  discovered that during those month she's been a prostitute she was in contact with the 48 years old man of the triangulation i alredy talked about and that BEFORE SHE STARTED TO HAVE SEX FOR MONEY HE OFFERED HER ALL THE MONEY SHE NEEDED BUT SHE SAID "NO" without reason... .and during her second "activity" she was telling him how much he was special and how much she was in love ("like a friend" with him and how much she was HATING me for that situation... .she was hating ME... .she decided to leave when i was telling her to don't do it,she found her self without money with a child with me that i wasn't able to give her nothing (after she told me "if you really wanted to help you had to find the way to help me with money" ... .but mine is not a rich family we were already to our limit!) she didn't want to go to her parents and SHE DIDN'T want to accept money from this other person but in all this she was HATING ME! CRAZy!

Brief... .we started to arg everyday... .everyday... .her totally lack of empathy sometimes really killed me (once she wrote me that there were some "FUNNY ANECTODES" about her second activity to tell me... .she used the word FUNNY what the hell?how there could be something FUNNY in this nightmare?you are my girlfriend and you hited with don't know how many strangers and you told me that's FUNNY? when i made her notice that she told me i was only good to complain and that she was tired about this behaviour of mine... .thanks,very sensible) when i've been there at the end of august a confrontation about what she done during the summer was inevitable... .me i was in "berserk-mode" about my feelings and isnide my mind... .not able to reason in a properly way anymore... .and i was unable to hide my pain and sorrow for our situation,without understand why she just didn't wanted to come back to the people who loved her strongly and wanted to help her... .in the while she got a flat (who become VERY QUICKLY "her" flat and not "our" flat anymore) with the money she got from prostitution... .and she told me i was THE ONLY ONE on the planet who was able to make her feel guilty and depressed for what she done... .me i replied that i just wanted to pass over everything and be happy with her... .how can i be able to still want her after all this?when we met in august we passed 15 days together in her flat... .one hitty week arguing badly... .one nice week having fun and big affections we didnt had since a long time... .i really thought that maybe things were going in the right direction,AGAIN... i was tryng to keep my pain for me and we said to dont talk anymore about what happened... .she said she was in love with me and didn't want to lose me... .when im back there for a while she wrote me three times a day to tell me "i miss you,come here again as soon as you can,i love you strongly,don''t leave me" ... .she even paid my plane ticket for semptember... .september arrived... .i've been there... .she was cold and far without reason since until one week before she was declaring her deep love for me ... .and she left... .i'm back in Italy like a hit,destroyed,painful like never before.

All this to explain why maybe she has problems to stay in my company... .maybe i just remind her all those bad things happened and she prefer to run away instead of face herself in the mirror... .but me i don't care about these things i pass over everything if she give me the chance to help her... .hell,it's a mess and i need help for sure!
Logged
Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2013, 07:41:53 AM »

Sorry,i see now that the "forum" doesn't like some words i used... .and i don't find the "edit" button to solve the problem!
Logged
Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2013, 07:46:38 AM »

And just to tell,while i was writing my long last post i closed my phone... .i tunred it on again and i got another message from her who tried to call me in the while... .is off again,i'm going deeply in anxiety and panic... .for the first time since the end... .it's a nightmare  :'(
Logged
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2013, 08:37:17 AM »

She will push you away again if you let her back in. "I hate you, don't leave me." You experienced her "other" side. You will experience that other side of her again if you let her back in.
Logged
Jbt857
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 271


« Reply #10 on: November 24, 2013, 08:53:07 AM »

Nicco,

That is quite a story to have shared. Poor you, having to endure so much. 

No wonder you feel traumatised to hear from her.

But look back on what you have written. She has shown no consideration for your thoughts or feelings. Her reaching out now isn't because she is worried about you. She is worried about her. Be pretty sure of that.

You show such incredible compassion to have done so much for her and her child. You really went above and beyond what we should expect of another. Now you need to show the same level of care towards yourself. She has made her choices. It's time for you to make some choices that are good for you. Start by not engaging with her. She will tire and move on to another target if you don't respond. Look after YOU. 

Logged
Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2013, 09:25:13 AM »

I guess you're right... .my brain know you are.

What is crazy is that i overwhelmed every limit that i thought i would never... .talking about behaviours/actions to endure inside a relationship... .and everything happened quite "easily",like if would be normal to face all this... .and i'm not upset with her... .i should but i can't... .and i don't know how it is possible.
Logged
Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #12 on: November 24, 2013, 09:51:45 AM »

She will push you away again if you let her back in. "I hate you, don't leave me." You experienced her "other" side. You will experience that other side of her again if you let her back in.

I'm looking for that book indeed... .but there's no italian translation... .i don't have big problems with original alnguage anyway... .just have to find it on the web!

Anyway yes... .maybe i should just stop to think that i was "special" for her,that she would find the strenght to let me be special for her if she would just recognize that the love she's looking for could be true... .i feel so ingenuous
Logged
Changingman
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #13 on: November 24, 2013, 10:07:00 AM »

Brother, sister,

This is scary stuff, extract yourself from it. The future is written by you. In all modesty, you are alright, just got into a bad place.

It's exciting life, bring yourself to the table, imagine doing what you want/like/have passion for. That is ahead of you. X

Feel ok about your feelings, it feels alien to me still but it's ok, maybe better.

X

Logged
HarmKrakow
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1226


« Reply #14 on: November 24, 2013, 10:11:47 AM »

In danger of sounding like a self righteous a$$hole, i'm always shocked to read that people like that 'wander the earth' free and cause misery and destruction everywhere. If I was working in child services i'd take that kid away without any hesitation at all what so ever.
Logged
Learning_curve74
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1333



« Reply #15 on: November 24, 2013, 10:32:18 AM »

its okay to have some panicked feelings running. Perhaps you can take some deep breathings.

Perhaps its time to work through some things like your FOG. Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I agree with others, you don't have to answer her. I suggest sometimes wait at least 24 hours before you think again about texting back.

Hello Nicco, I just want to say that your story is heartbreaking. You deserve a hug. 

Please make sure to read the link that Surnia posted above, it may help you. The advice about waiting 24 hours before relying is also a good idea.

There is a well known book about BPD entitled, "I hate you, don't leave me". It perfectly describes the behavior of many people with BPD. Many people here cannot understand why, and I believe it's not truly necessary to understand why, but it is only really important to accept that it is true.

Best wishes to you.
Logged

Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #16 on: November 24, 2013, 10:36:38 AM »

She is trying to reengage you. If you let her back in, it will only be a matter of time before she hurts you again like she did the first time and discards you again, even more cruelly. That is what happened to me. Even if you tell her what about BPD, it wont make any difference. I told mine about her BPD, end result? No difference. I know you are hurting. Try with all your willpower to not respond to her message. By the way, i am Italian born like you.  

Hang in there.

Don't think she's tryng to do that... .her life now is all about independency seems... .mah... .things like "Stop looking for a partner.Focus on your goals and rebuild your life.The right person will eventually find their way to you"... .one of her last post this afternoon... .discover it BEFORE my one-way-ticket to hell no? IDIOT me that i still go to check... .IDIOT!

I'm without words,really... .the "right" person... .in a sort of way i admire her... .maybe i just gone crazy... .the right person... .like "sorry, i told you you were the man of my life and i made everything to made you believe it deeply... .but you know what,i was wrong... .sorry if i made your life a painful pit but everyone make mistakes no?cheers"

And talking about her son... .he's very linked to her mother... .very linked... .she's a good mother in her sick way... .he's a very good child... .i hope he won't have any problems in future for what he saw during his life... .like his mother almost dead on the bed with doctors tryng to save her life... .i'm feeling bad for him too  :'(
Logged
Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #17 on: November 24, 2013, 10:39:00 AM »

its okay to have some panicked feelings running. Perhaps you can take some deep breathings.

Perhaps its time to work through some things like your FOG. Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I agree with others, you don't have to answer her. I suggest sometimes wait at least 24 hours before you think again about texting back.

Hello Nicco, I just want to say that your story is heartbreaking. You deserve a hug. 

Please make sure to read the link that Surnia posted above, it may help you. The advice about waiting 24 hours before relying is also a good idea.

There is a well known book about BPD entitled, "I hate you, don't leave me". It perfectly describes the behavior of many people with BPD. Many people here cannot understand why, and I believe it's not truly necessary to understand why, but it is only really important to accept that it is true.

Best wishes to you.

Hello to you and thanks for your kind words.

I will read everything,i already started.

I think my biggest problem is that im still focused on what she would want from me to be right for her instead of what i want from me to be right for my self first!

Thanks to everyone again 

Logged
Changingman
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #18 on: November 24, 2013, 11:35:05 AM »

Be strong, be yourself, beware!
Logged
Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #19 on: November 24, 2013, 01:51:32 PM »

Ok,seems that today is THE day she has chosen to comes out again... .got another fb message "You know... i m really worry for you... .

I m tryin to join you since a couple of days and its seems impossible... .So now i am really worried for you... ." ... .and she makes my phone ring,not properly call... .she tried to call me this afternoon but was off... .i "felt" since this morning that she would not give up trying to contact me... .since for the first time during our relation i'm not "running" to the pc to write her or calling her... .i used to pass EVERY night chatting with her until late night when we were far and she was depressed... .i lost don't know how many hours of sleep to don't make her feel alone... .i guess she's disappointed by my indifference.
Logged
LaSuede
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Have been living together for almost 4 years. Living apart for half a year.
Posts: 52



WWW
« Reply #20 on: November 24, 2013, 02:57:19 PM »

What a story.

What a devastating period in your life.

I know it's sounds ridiculous futile at the moment, but now it can not be worse -if you don't let it. Don't. Worse than this is hard to imagine.

Especially with a kid involved... .

I agree fully with Jbt857.

I also have to ask: how's the kid doing... ? Where is his dad? Who is at his side now? Is she prostituting with him around? The grandparents/parents might not care about her, or they have cared to their own limits, who knows... ? but the little kid... ? Do they really not care about him?

You must be torned apart. I know the feeling when in the middle if the "tumbler".

It will take time. Let it.

And don't sacrifice more of your studies or family-relations.

You might regret it.

I also became the mirror for my exBPDbf, the mirror which showed the truth as it was - I also thought if I am just there and show love he will manage... .He also went back to his home country France. He also escaped his parents there finally. He went to a third country... .

He's  also involved in prostitution, mostly as a user/buyer, but today I am not certain he's not selling himself too, cause he has nothing to live of. He has also given me details I don't want to have, like it was normal/funny... .

We have a three years old child.

The problem is, as I see it, when a pwBPD face the truth about him or herself, he/she search another place to rebuild his/her "dream-self" again. The non-reality-person they want to be... .They start to believe in this "fictive" person.

And they make others believe in it. They make even us believe in it, even when our brains know oh so well, our heart is dreaming this dream too... Or the opposite: our hearts are very wounded but our mind wants to believe. What was possible to have, that was about to happen, but did not is sometimes the hardest to leave. That life/rs we thought we could have, that went out of our hand over and over again like a soap in the ocean.

Your ex wants to be someone caring.

So she says she cares.

If she was, truly, she would not act like that to a child - her child.

Or to you.

It is not caring. Point.

My ex also posted songs like "Changes" (read: happy-new-start) on fb.

Now he's a total mess... .His "changes" made him destroy everything that was left in his life.

It is going from the best to the worst looser very fast.

You go from soulmate to cold case even faster.

Don't believe in her "freedom" and "happiness", don't take it personal.

Keep your head high. You are the one that has been - and are - the caring person.

You are the one that need to turn away and rebuild.

I know it might not be recommendable, but if I were you, I would even try to contact the kids father one day, when feeling stronger.

Or do you know what she tells about him is reasonable and the truth, is he a horrible person/father... ?

Of course you need to be stronger and do it for the kid more than anything else, I believe... .Yes, this is tremendously hard indeed, and delicate.

I hope you find strength.


Logged
Changingman
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #21 on: November 24, 2013, 03:03:34 PM »

I think the bottom line is this... .

They where abandoned, abused ( sexually or emotionally or both ) they can see the hurt in us the lonely abused child, they appeal to that and join with us. When they torture that child we are helpless.

When abandoned we feel 4 years old destroyed. Please love me becomes our mantra.

We can fight it becomes our attitude, the misfiring becomes the enabling for the worst kind of abuse. Because they pretend to be something they are not and they hate us for ... .not realising they hate themselves.
Logged
Changingman
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #22 on: November 24, 2013, 03:08:13 PM »

The mask

It is so, obvious so cliched, so old school, so true.
Logged
Changingman
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Daughter 15, Son 14
Posts: 644



« Reply #23 on: November 24, 2013, 03:09:31 PM »

Leave me alone. Bitter child.
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #24 on: November 24, 2013, 04:18:22 PM »

Hi Nicco,

Getting those messages can really confuse a person.  Add in the hurt and its not a pretty place to be. 

It sounds like you need some time to get your bearings.  Let those emotions calm.  This is hard to do when the person who is part of the problem is pushing like she is.

If she has BPD part of the disorder is lack of boundaries and gauging what is appropriate.  Now that she's decided she doesn't want a relationship.  But sometimes that means the person still expects that the emotional support etc will stay the same. 

In real life that doesn't happen.  My guess is she is thinking that you guys can be friends and still talk. 

Have you asked her to leave you alone? (i haven't read your history apologies).  Sometimes we need to just ask.  Then if they keep on it you can feel more secure in moving on and not so thrown by the erratic attempts at connection.

Logged

Nicco
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 89


« Reply #25 on: November 25, 2013, 10:51:49 AM »

@LaSuede

Hi and thanks for your words... .i'm really sorry you had to pass through a similar experience too.

If could be useful to "rassure" you,especially about the child,my ex is not a prostitute anymore... .i mean,in uly,the night she told about her second "job" she told me too that her second activity was definitely closed since she got all the money she needed to fill up her debts and to rent her actually flat,just to start you know... .plus she said she reached her limit and just thinking to have sex again with a stranger was making feel her completely sick,she wasn't able anymore.she was waiting to finish to tell me everything cause she was feeling extremely guilty for... .she showed me the "escort girls website" where she had her profile and told she already deleted everything.

Now she's just working normally and having a "normal" life with her kid... .who is ALWAYS been with me during that period,she could NEVER do something like that with him around... .and is one of the few thing i could be sure about... .and i want to write some kind words about her like mother,cause i think that in despite of her disorder,she deserves that... .i know that after what i wrote it could sounds crazy,but she's REALLY a good mother... .really.

Every "healty" side of her personality is fully concentrated on him... .actually i think that the only healty sides and behaviours about her belong ONLY to him... .she's really the most sweet,careful,lovely and responsible mother possible... .like parent probably she's much better than i can never hope to become.

She doesn't abuse him,she doesn't hurt him without reason and she's doesn't have crazy behaviours with him... .she's stricly,yes,but absolutely "right" with him... .if she denise him something she explains him why... .if she's upset with him and "screams" to him (like every parent i guess) she explains him why... .and if she promises something to him be sure she'll do it... .they have a wonderful relationship and for nothing in the world she could do something bad to him... .never.

Her attention for him is admirable... .he would never miss nothing he would need... .she teaches him only "good" and healty things about life,about how to be with other people,education... .from this point of view she's incredible... .even more since she has grown him completely alone.

With him and for him,she absolutely gives her 100%,her "best" under every aspect... .when the lil one left with me to leave her completely "freedom" to go to work (her REAL work) and set the situation she promised him just one thing "Mamy will work hard for you... .i promise we will have a flat just for you and your mamy where to live together like we dream" ... .and she kept her promise at 100%.

The kid is the most lovely and good child that i ever met... .sweet,relaxed,he listens every single word someone could tell him... .he's an angel... .i could reproche her everything... .but NOTHING about her way to be a mother... .his needs come ALWAYS the needs of everyone else... .and now they have a normal life.

I dont think i would be able to do the same... .from this point of view,she's way better than me.

His father on the contrary never took care of him... .he left his mother when she was pregnant and had just few contact with them after he's born... .i never pretended to take his place... .is not so easy anyway... .and the problems i had with his mother made thing even more complicated.
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 10988


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #26 on: November 25, 2013, 12:42:26 PM »

Excerpt
she posts stuff about "independency" (from love,from people)

Mine says similar things. Ultimately, it's all exactly the opposite. It sounds like she is going into "hermit" mode, for a brief time. That is often typical with the BPD. Then they cycle back to the Waif, Queen, Witch/Hater, Discard/Recycle/Discard... .back to Waif. It's a sad, sad script.

Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Ironmanrises
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #27 on: November 25, 2013, 12:52:51 PM »

Excerpt
she posts stuff about "independency" (from love,from people)

Mine says similar things. Ultimately, it's all exactly the opposite. It sounds like she is going into "hermit" mode, for a brief time. That is often typical with the BPD. Then they cycle back to the Waif, Queen, Witch/Hater, Discard/Recycle/Discard... .back to Waif. It's a sad, sad script.

Mine was doing the same in the devaluation period in round 2. She was projecting this image to the social media world of hers that she was in "personal development" and reading the self help book "The Secret" which was "opening her eyes", while destroying me in the same process. She has no self but was projecting "personal development"; a cruel contradiction with that ___ing book as the perfect facade to hide behind. No one questioned her on any of that, they all applauded her and stroked her ego. I watched all of that in horrifying silence. How was a self help book going to help someone with a personality disorder? More and more awful contradictions. And of course, I stuck around. The final contradiction.
Logged
LaSuede
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Have been living together for almost 4 years. Living apart for half a year.
Posts: 52



WWW
« Reply #28 on: November 25, 2013, 01:37:26 PM »

Nicco,

Thank you, you should not need to reassure me... .javascript:void(0);

But it was good to hear actually, I always tend to worry about kids in vulnerable situations (part of my job).

And most important, I hope and guess it's some kind of relief for you, not to worry about him too.

I understand if you miss him though, after so much time together.

Hope you will find strength and ways to live your life.

I have had some real upgoing days, so it gets better day by day - but today was a down-day javascript:void(0);

They are at least coming in between longer periods of happiness.

That gives me strength.

javascript:void(0);

Logged
LaSuede
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Have been living together for almost 4 years. Living apart for half a year.
Posts: 52



WWW
« Reply #29 on: November 25, 2013, 01:39:48 PM »

Don't know why my smileys do not show up:

it was 1.  2.   3.

Hehehe... .I have never used so many smileys as in this forum.

One live to learn.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!