How do you know when to trust any transformation of your BPD?

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw realizes she has a problem. She talks with her counselor once a week, and she has been doing traditional and non-traditional therapies for well over 10 years. Personally about herself, she has gone from feeling basically inferior to feeling definitely superior. Everybody now has the problems, and she does not. I am included, although I have always treated with respect, with respect, with honor, and always listening and thus validating. I never have abused her in any way whatsoever. I have encouraged her to get involved in couple counseling, but she refuses to do so for several reasons. She feels she has more personal work to do. Also, she does not have time to relate to me by means of couple counseling, because she is working and going to school. With all of this therapy that she has done and is now doing, I have come to the conclusion that her being happy or anyone else being happy in her presence is almost too good to be true for her. Thus, she is unable to be empathetic to anyone. Here's an example. When we first started dating, I would listen to her more than she would listen to me. She would say she appreciated that very much. The other night, a friend of ours expressed some really deep-rooted emotions related to his past. I spent about a half hour listening to him while she was in another room talking to relatives. When she saw that I had done so, she laughed, said I am a good listener, and then proceeded to say that I should charge him like a psychiatrist. I didn't laugh. I didn't react at all, because to do so would be fruitless. If she doesn't get the attention completely, she gets jealous to the point of degrading anyone who gets more attention than she does.

[Samuel S.]

Once again, I don't know if I can really and truly trust my BPDw. You see, I have now written and will have published by April of 2014 another book which deals with technology and families. Well, she has not read not even a single page of any of my 4 books over the last 7 years. I recently shared with her a book cover which my publisher has approved, and she likes it as well. Within the last week more or less including tonight, she said that she can't wait to see the cover with the actual publication of my new book. So, while I am flattered by the fact that she wants to see the cover, I don't know if I can really and truly trust her completely. You see, she was impressed beforehand, only to tell me then that she had been pretending all of her life up until the last year or so. So, needless to say, it makes me wonder how much I can trust what she is now saying. I would like to trust her, that she truly is meaning what she is saying, but she has only proven with her endless examples how she can be a typical BPD unfortunately. The only people whom I really and truly trust are the ones who have read and reviewed it and have shown an authentic interest in the book's content. Any thoughts, folks?

[waverider]

I often found that when my partner hands out praise and interest in something I have done or am interested in, it is more a measure of whether she is painting me white or not, and her need to impress me with her "liking" being in sync with mine.  This is the basis of the idealization of pwBPD. Lack of true self means lack of true self opinions. They will mirror back your likes when you are white, and pull them down when you are black.

Lack of true self and opinions leads to lack of consistency, and cameleon like behavior.

My partner will not read anything either, not even a flyer or newspaper article. Not sure why, she is well educated, it seems like laziness, but i am sure it is based in some deeper psychological reason. She acts like someone who can't read but is trying to hide it by making up excuses.

Will I ever be able to trust my partner on face value to be absolutely honest/ Probably not, covering up is too ingrained. Hidden agenda and self interest is always there under the surface of all actions. It is almost subconscious manipulation

[Pearl55]

Samuel S

Is your wife financially dependent on you and especially while she is at education?

[Samuel S.]

Yes, my BPDw is financially dependent upon me, because I pay for the basic things, such as our mortgage, etc. As for her education, her sister is financially independent due to being very wise in her saving and in her spending. Thus, her sister is paying for my BPDw's education. Eventually, my BPDw and her sister wish to leave their current jobs so that my BPDw will become an acupuncturist and so that her sister will be her secretary.

[Samuel S.]

Here's another example of how it is difficult to trust my BPDw. She goes through her stages of being so very enthusiastic about a particular thing that she really loves, such as non-traditional therapies, Pilates, myofasical release therapy, and the like. For the last couple of years, she has felt that learning Aikido and the people who learn Aikido have been like her family. Now that she is involved with acupuncture college, she has become rather critical of the Aikido environment, basically being derogatory about certain people. Thus, she is choosing to leave this situation. While everyone has the right to change their mind, she has done so frequently and will be so critical of everything and everyone, because she has outgrown them. She says she is being non-judgmental, but when she is being critical about the very people who have supported and have inspired her to the max, it is very difficult to trust what she says and does. Thanks for letting me vent!

[waverider]

Here's another example of how it is difficult to trust my BPDw. She goes through her stages of being so very enthusiastic about a particular thing that she really loves, such as non-traditional therapies, Pilates, myofasical release therapy, and the like. For the last couple of years, she has felt that learning Aikido and the people who learn Aikido have been like her family. Now that she is involved with acupuncture college, she has become rather critical of the Aikido environment, basically being derogatory about certain people. Thus, she is choosing to leave this situation. While everyone has the right to change their mind, she has done so frequently and will be so critical of everything and everyone, because she has outgrown them. She says she is being non-judgmental, but when she is being critical about the very people who have supported and have inspired her to the max, it is very difficult to trust what she says and does. Thanks for letting me vent!

This is probably BPD idealization just moving on to the next "great" thing in her life. There seems to be great difficulty with moving on unless the past is trashed.

[Samuel S.]

Waverider, since my BPDw is going to her next "great" thing in her life, since she has mostly idealized her new venture and sees everything and everyone in her past as "not so great", it is no wonder that she may be considering me as "less than great" and just "tolerable". When will I be her next "victim" to be discarded like what she has done with everything and everyone else? If that truly ever happens, I am out of here. I am reminded of a "Twilight Zone" episode of a man who stayed in his apartment, because he felt superior to everything and everyone and how his negative mentality got the better of him. As for my BPDw, she is slowly but surely isolating herself just like this man.

[hergestridge]

When will I be her next "victim" to be discarded like what she has done with everything and everyone else? If that truly ever happens, I am out of here.

My BPD wife turned on me nine years into our relationship. I really thought I was "safe" by that point, so it took years for me to even realize what had happened. I really thought I was special, but noone is special to her. Once she's began devaluing somebody, she'll keep doing it - at least periodically.

[Pearl55]

Nobody is safe in these relationships. If they haven't left us ages ago either because they are intelligent enough to recognise they can't find anybody navier than us to USE and unfortunately many of these women use men as their WALLETS, old punch bag to rage to feel LIVELY, have got somebody in their life in order not to be alone... .

I feel sick of myself for letting him to use me that much but that is part of my growth and helping me to move on.

[waverider]

It is important to stay centered and not get caught up in the idealization phases, otherwise you are left unprepared when the swing comes.