Force counseling? Very lost at the moment. Losing everything.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been awhile since I posted, but I've been reading.  I was under a different name, but uPBDh had brother hack computer and found my account on home computer.  I only use my work computer now.

There was 2 major incidences last week with uBPDh and they escalated to the point where the cops were called and he was arrested twice.  I tried my best not to antagonize, but I told him repeatedly our kids will not grow up thinking this fighting is ok and when he didn't calm down I told him to leave or let me leave since it was escalating.  He refused both and got physical both times.  He is facing jail time and I do believe he realizes what he did was wrong.  He actually admitted it, which is unheard of.  I filed a restraining order last week and that hit him very hard, as well.  We have been talking things over, because unfortunately, I do love him and I do believe he loves me, maybe too much and that is triggering his abandonment issues.  He kept telling me how he felt me asking him to go or wanting to leave was me abandoning him and such.  I love so much who he is when he is not dysregulated.  But his addiction and BPD are spiraling and it's not a good combination.  My D9 is caught in the middle right now and her father is not happy.  I'm not happy, either and I can't blame him, to be honest.  He is contacting a lawyer this week and is going to go after custody of my daughter due to these incidences.  Again, I can't blame him.  My daughter is everything to me and that's why I put my foot down on his rages.  Perhaps an extinction burst?  Now, I'm caught because of my love for both, but my daughter comes first.  I won't lose her over uBPDh.  I'm going to tell him either he gets counseling or we are done.  How do I go about doing this?  He will be mad because she told her dad, but I'd want her to tell me if it happened at her dad's house, so how do I tell her not to tell him? uBPDh would want his son to tell him if his mom was going through this, but he won't see that at first.  How do I go about this without him freaking out.  I dropped the order this morning before I found out about her dad doing this, so he is back home, I'm sure.

Please help me with this horrible, stupid mess.

[wishfulthinking]

It's been awhile since I posted, but I've been reading.  I was under a different name, but uPBDh had brother hack computer and found my account on home computer.  I only use my work computer now.

There was 2 major incidences last week with uBPDh and they escalated to the point where the cops were called and he was arrested twice.  I tried my best not to antagonize, but I told him repeatedly our kids will not grow up thinking this fighting is ok and when he didn't calm down I told him to leave or let me leave since it was escalating.  He refused both and got physical both times.  He is facing jail time and I do believe he realizes what he did was wrong.  He actually admitted it, which is unheard of.  I filed a restraining order last week and that hit him very hard, as well.  We have been talking things over, because unfortunately, I do love him and I do believe he loves me, maybe too much and that is triggering his abandonment issues.  He kept telling me how he felt me asking him to go or wanting to leave was me abandoning him and such.  I love so much who he is when he is not dysregulated.  But his addiction and BPD are spiraling and it's not a good combination.  My D9 is caught in the middle right now and her father is not happy.  I'm not happy, either and I can't blame him, to be honest.  He is contacting a lawyer this week and is going to go after custody of my daughter due to these incidences.  Again, I can't blame him.  My daughter is everything to me and that's why I put my foot down on his rages.  Perhaps an extinction burst?  Now, I'm caught because of my love for both, but my daughter comes first.  I won't lose her over uBPDh.  I'm going to tell him either he gets counseling or we are done.  How do I go about doing this?  He will be mad because she told her dad, but I'd want her to tell me if it happened at her dad's house, so how do I tell her not to tell him? uBPDh would want his son to tell him if his mom was going through this, but he won't see that at first.  How do I go about this without him freaking out.  I dropped the order this morning before I found out about her dad doing this, so he is back home, I'm sure.

Please help me with this horrible, stupid mess.

[an0ught]

Dear wishfulthinking  ,

sounds like you have major acute drama ongoing. 

Pain can be sometimes good as it gets us to act and often shows us what our true priorities are. Becoming clear what we do and do not accept.

I'm going to tell him either he gets counseling or we are done.

Is a clear message.

How do I go about this without him freaking out. 

Is wishful thinking 

You realize that you can't control his reaction. Doing so will make it just worse. He will freak out somewhat either loud or silent. It is a tough message to receive after all! SET may be a way to do it in the least upsetting way keeping everyone focused on facts (rough draft below). DEARMAN may be an option too. Also look at the assertive communication workshop, some good ideas are in that too.

S: H, I want you and us get along better

E: unfair treated, afraid of loosing D, contacting lawyer as feeling need to protect yourself, feel sorry for getting physical, hate me telling you this... .validate etc

T: This drama destroys our family. You get very emotional and then struggle to control yourself. Unless you learn to stay calmer and communicate better this marriage will fail. I don't want that. Nor do I believe you. The only way I see we can avoid splitting up is you put in real effort to learn new skills to deal with conflict.

But this is not only about communication. In the end it is about boundaries and what you are willing to deal with or not. Protecting this boundary will be painful as it would be dangerous tolerating it being overstepped. This is a hard place to be . Boundaries and communication are also linked. Boundaries you can defend make you more secure, come across less aggressive and allow you to communicate more effectively. All practical boundary planning in place?

[Surnia]

I am so sorry, wishfulthinking, this is really an escalation. 

Being in the middle of all this, between your daughter, your h and your ex is a hard place. i would feel lost too.

Like an0ught said, its important to have boundaries. And stick with it. Its not enough to think or speak about boundaries.

Second thought: I have huge concerns about having him attending a therapy is enough to gain more safety for your daughter and you. Even if we assume he is willing (which is very positive thinking) it is a very long process, and it could be easily a next drama. Perhaps I am now too direct and too realistic: I see only some chance  in a therapeutic separation and T sessions.

[wishfulthinking]

He says going to therapy admits there is a problem and gives them ammunition to use against us.  I hate that he can't see there is an issue.  Honestly, his BPD I think is worse because of his addiction, I like who he is until he is high and then he concerns me a lot and gets very irritable and edgy.  That when he rages, otherwise, he can get irritated but keep his cool.  He is still irritated over the slightest thing, but his reaction to it will be more controlled.  He doesn't see anything wrong at all.  UGH.

He got mad last night in the middle of the night because I've been having nightmares and waking up gasping and out of breath.  He raised his voice at me to stop it, like I'm doing it on purpose, and when I said stop what (cause I was still half asleep) he said this crap because it just started 5 days ago... .hmmm... .I wonder if him knowing what's probably triggered it makes him upset?  I can't help my dreams.  I've always had mostly nightmares but now they are constant.

[GreenMango]

He says going to therapy admits there is a problem and gives them ammunition to use against us.

There is a problem.  His behavior and drug addiction. 

He's right about your daughter's father using this info to gain custody to provide a safer environment for his child.

There's a real likelihood here that you may lose out on seeing your daughter in any worthwhile way growing up if you stay with him.  there may not be the time to wait for his potential to change.  Do you have an attorney?

Is this man worth it?

[HopefulDad]

You did the right thing by calling the police when it got physical.  It's awful that it came to that, but protecting yourself has to be done.  This is when you find out what "enforcing your boundaries" truly means.

I forced counseling with my BPDw.  It didn't work.  Yeah, it sure _appeared_ to work and progress is indeed made, but then the therapist says to dial back the visits until there is a "need" to resume the normal schedule.  Of course when that need comes, my wife didn't want to go.  Until I forced the issue again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Hang in there.  Find a support structure (family, friends, therapists) to help you through this.  That's also critical.  I'd be lost without the people in my life who are helping me keep my sanity.

[Suzn]

He will be mad because she told her dad, but I'd want her to tell me if it happened at her dad's house, so how do I tell her not to tell him?

Am I reading this correctly? Keeping an abusive situation secret is never ok, not for an adult and certainly not for a child. Attempting to teach your daughter to do this will send a very unhealthy message wishfulthinking. 

[Surnia]

How are you doing, wishful thinking? 

[wishfulthinking]

suzn,

I don't teach my daughter to lie and I know she shouldn't have to... .I'm just so afraid to lose her.  She is my everything.

Surnia,

Things were good for about 5 days with him.  I on the other hand am having a hard time being "nice". I'm going to post on the board and maybe see what others think... .

[Suzn]

There was 2 major incidences last week with uBPDh and they escalated to the point where the cops were called and he was arrested twice. 

I tried my best not to antagonize, but I told him repeatedly our kids will not grow up thinking this fighting is ok and when he didn't calm down I told him to leave or let me leave since it was escalating. 

He refused both and got physical both times. 

He is facing jail time.

I filed a restraining order last week.  

But his addiction and BPD are spiraling and it's not a good combination. 

My D9 is caught in the middle. 

He will be mad because she told her dad

Where would this child be safe? What can you do to ensure your 9 year old daughter's safety?

He says going to therapy admits there is a problem and gives them ammunition to use against us.  I hate that he can't see there is an issue. He is still irritated over the slightest thing, but his reaction to it will be more controlled. He doesn't see anything wrong at all. 

First, he is pointing to the very people that can help him and saying "They are the bad guys." Us? This addiction and out of control behavior is his, not yours. Your daughter's father isn't the bad guy either, he sounds concerned for his daughter as any loving father would be. Until your husband truly accepts there IS a problem and reaches out for professional help things will likely continue just the way they are, periods of calm followed by periods of out of control behavior. 

[wishfulthinking]

I know calling the police those 2 times has scared the crud out of him.  He's studying the bible again and trying to be the man he used to be by giving himself back to God.  He's been fighting it for a long time.  He is dysregulated at the moment but has handled it better.  He also doesn't freak out when I tell him to keep it down because yelling is unacceptable.  He hasn't touched me since, not even to stop me from walking away.  It seems his major trigger for violence is when I tell him... .I'M NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.  I DON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.  YOU LOVE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE.  I understand he loves me and is afraid of me leaving him, but I'm going to leave him if he continues.  How do I get him to realize this?  It's his own selffullfilling prophecy... .

My daughter's father is concerned, yes.  D9 is in no danger, but she does not need to live in that environment and I won't allow it and that's why the police were called twice.  No more of that.  My daughter's father is also jealous and will tell me himself that he messed up and wished he'd never cheated on me and lost me.  Seems my current husband is the only person I know that HATES me.