Moving in together?...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So we know each other for over 1,5 year. She has two kids with ex husband, lives with them in appartment payed probably by her husband. I know her kids, we go along very well. I am single, I was working very hard in my life with many sacrifices, and now I am living alone in nice place I furnitured, i prepared from new. I done all myself. I leave in foreign country, before I met Her I was working unnormously lot of hours, and lonliniess was pretty hard.

But at this stage of relationship we have fights pretty reggullary, her anger attacks, her rages are pretty often, all depends if I will do all she expects, spending all the time with Her and Her kids... .Although I enjoy those mometns a lot, I feel I lost myself... .Becouse of our fights, of her anger, and my lacking of patience she has the reason to blame me for many things. I try to accept it but sometimes can not stand another attack. I dont trust Her, I feel she hides her real face as she is ashamed of that. Always looking at guys, wanting sex, very narrowmindet thoughts pointing always at direction of having sex... .I know he had a lot of "friends" after splitting with husband... .which I suspect was guys for sex... .

With all this baggage, now she coming up with idea moving in together. She says after this time she needs something stable. I have a feeling she just need someone to help her with kids etc, that it is not really about me... .That it was always about her feelings... .Her pain... .Her needs... .

Now I told Her that for this kind of step we need to be prepared, we need to work on our relationship so our fights will not happen in front of Her kids... .I told her there is a lot of paperwork involved, she does not work has money from her husband... .seems does not realize, does not care of weight of this decision... .or it is only a game?

When I am telling her that she goes ungry, she says I dont care, I do not love her... .ButIt is really important decision, and considering BPD which was probably the reason er husband left home, I am very very scared of makeing mistake of my life... .

I try to understand her, but this is very big step, and considering how this relationship looked like so far, crying almost all the time both sides, fights, I just dont think Her idea of moving in together to fix all is mature... .I have a feeling that she has sense of responsibility like a child... .

I am pretty sure that before moving in together first we have to get relationship on the right track, not oposite... .

Anyone please correct me if I am wrong?

[Maro12]

So we know each other for over 1,5 year. She has two kids with ex husband, lives with them in appartment payed probably by her husband. I know her kids, we go along very well. I am single, I was working very hard in my life with many sacrifices, and now I am living alone in nice place I furnitured, i prepared from new. I done all myself. I leave in foreign country, before I met Her I was working unnormously lot of hours, and lonliniess was pretty hard.

But at this stage of relationship we have fights pretty reggullary, her anger attacks, her rages are pretty often, all depends if I will do all she expects, spending all the time with Her and Her kids... .Although I enjoy those mometns a lot, I feel I lost myself... .Becouse of our fights, of her anger, and my lacking of patience she has the reason to blame me for many things. I try to accept it but sometimes can not stand another attack. I dont trust Her, I feel she hides her real face as she is ashamed of that. Always looking at guys, wanting sex, very narrowmindet thoughts pointing always at direction of having sex... .I know he had a lot of "friends" after splitting with husband... .which I suspect was guys for sex... .

With all this baggage, now she coming up with idea moving in together. She says after this time she needs something stable. I have a feeling she just need someone to help her with kids etc, that it is not really about me... .That it was always about her feelings... .Her pain... .Her needs... .

Now I told Her that for this kind of step we need to be prepared, we need to work on our relationship so our fights will not happen in front of Her kids... .I told her there is a lot of paperwork involved, she does not work has money from her husband... .seems does not realize, does not care of weight of this decision... .or it is only a game?

When I am telling her that she goes ungry, she says I dont care, I do not love her... .ButIt is really important decision, and considering BPD which was probably the reason er husband left home, I am very very scared of makeing mistake of my life... .

I try to understand her, but this is very big step, and considering how this relationship looked like so far, crying almost all the time both sides, fights, I just dont think Her idea of moving in together to fix all is mature... .I have a feeling that she has sense of responsibility like a child... .

I am pretty sure that before moving in together first we have to get relationship on the right track, not oposite... .

Anyone please correct me if I am wrong?

[Maro12]

I want to add she wants me to leave my place... .And or rent a house (i think she does not relize financial aspects as all was done for her by her husband) or live at her place... .So actually I would be dependant on her husband... .Somehow I am not convinced about it all... .

[maxsterling]

Hi Maro - you described pretty much what I experienced.  I can offer you a few things.

First, I strongly advise against moving in with her.  And absolutely avoid caving into her manipulation.  That's what this is - emotional manipulation.  She wants to make you feel guilty so that you will agree, and the ultimate goal is to help her feel more secure.  My girlfriend is currently trying to do that but with marriage and having a baby.  She admits this, and admitted it to our counselor, and said that even if we were married she would worry that I would divorce her.  Moving in with your girlfriend won't solve her problems, despite what she claims!

Second of all, if she moves in, breaking up with her becomes exponentially more difficult.  And that is exactly what she wants.  If she is BPD, she has abandonment issues, and moving in with her is extra security that you won't abandon her.  I can honestly say that had I not been living with my girlfriend, I would not be with her today.  I would have broken it off the moment I saw the red flags.  Unfortunately, because she had no other place to go, I felt guilty and let her stay with me.  Sometimes I still feel the same way - that I am with her only because of living arrangements, and I think she may in part refuse to make other options for herself as to emotionally trap me.  The times I have tried to break it off, she blames me for "putting her out onto the street".

You don't want to get trapped like that - trust me. 

[HopefulDad]

Co-signing maxstering's response.

You want to stay with her and try to make things work?  I wish you the best.

But doing that while living together?  Not so much.

You have no idea how good you have it right now... .not physically living with your pwBPD.

[KE151]

Hi Maro - you described pretty much what I experienced.  I can offer you a few things.

First, I strongly advise against moving in with her.  And absolutely avoid caving into her manipulation.  That's what this is - emotional manipulation.  She wants to make you feel guilty so that you will agree, and the ultimate goal is to help her feel more secure.  My girlfriend is currently trying to do that but with marriage and having a baby.  She admits this, and admitted it to our counselor, and said that even if we were married she would worry that I would divorce her.  Moving in with your girlfriend won't solve her problems, despite what she claims!

Second of all, if she moves in, breaking up with her becomes exponentially more difficult.  And that is exactly what she wants.  If she is BPD, she has abandonment issues, and moving in with her is extra security that you won't abandon her.  I can honestly say that had I not been living with my girlfriend, I would not be with her today.  I would have broken it off the moment I saw the red flags.  Unfortunately, because she had no other place to go, I felt guilty and let her stay with me.  Sometimes I still feel the same way - that I am with her only because of living arrangements, and I think she may in part refuse to make other options for herself as to emotionally trap me.  The times I have tried to break it off, she blames me for "putting her out onto the street".

You don't want to get trapped like that - trust me.  

I agree on every single word with maxs.

I thought moving in under the same roof would calm her down, improve the situation, decrease her jealous outbursts. Guess what? The opposite happened. She went haywire. I felt trapped, well actually I WAS TRAPPED and she knew it and that's why she started to behave even worse. Because she could. And probably because she felt engulfed by the fact we shared a home. And the different secret compartments of her life became more difficult to keep apart and secret. Allowing her to move in with me was a huge mistake. The break up was painful and violent, a fierce battle against her insanity and me nearly losing my mind. It nearly destroyed me.

[Maro12]

Thank You all for taking time and replying! It is very good to have some point of reference, to know some other view than only her... .People which are not aware of BPD dont know how hell it can be sometimes and their advices can be based on not full picture.

I have similar feelings. I do not actually feel she thinks what is good for both of us right now, even for her children... .I dont want they see her anger attacks, or our fights, and there were several situations it almost happened... .I have impression she thinks only about her needs... .What she wants now... .And I have to be quiet and do all what she wants. And her emotional blackmail and emotional violence is extreme... .Anyway it all can change within very short time, and I can end up on the street. I can not let it happen.

Thank You again, it helps to be here.

[KE151]

Thank You all for taking time and replying! It is very good to have some point of reference, to know some other view than only her... .People which are not aware of BPD dont know how hell it can be sometimes and their advices can be based on not full picture.

I have similar feelings. I do not actually feel she thinks what is good for both of us right now, even for her children... .I dont want they see her anger attacks, or our fights, and there were several situations it almost happened... .I have impression she thinks only about her needs... .What she wants now... .And I have to be quiet and do all what she wants. And her emotional blackmail and emotional violence is extreme... .Anyway it all can change within very short time, and I can end up on the street. I can not let it happen.

Thank You again, it helps to be here.

That's what we're all here for  

Remember that in many cases, what you would expect in a normal r/s is the exact opposite with a pwBPD. The rulebook of do's and dont's of a r/s is pretty much useless with BPDs.

Closeness and intimacy in a normal r/s equals trust and safety. For a pwBPD however it drives their primary fears - of engulfment and abandonment, leading to all the nasty stuff we read about on this board.

Be careful, and look after yourself. Don't let her bully you into making bad decisions.

[Vindi]

i thing you know the answer... .and that is NOT to move in together, you must have some "doubts"... .and yes, if the relationship is arguing alot now, moving in together, it could be alot worse.

Yes, work on the relationship, see if it blossoms and has less fighting going on, see if this relationship is something that you want. Work on one thing first, the relationship... .and in time, you can talk about moving in together if that is the next step you "both" want to take.