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Author Topic: Just found out she is with someone else. I need to detach. I c  (Read 1999 times)
Tryingnottoslip

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« on: November 24, 2013, 02:32:28 PM »

This is something I put in a previous post

I used to work as a security guard in a psych ward a few years back and at times it was my job to just guard rooms of aggressive patients. I used to be called idiot, worthless, dumb, my mother is a fat wh0re, and I would just say dear lord these men are just beyond gone. I feel bad for them but I wouldn't feel hurt because I understood and perceived these men as mentally well... .INSANE. We don't apply that understanding here.

I actually find This amusing, I just found out my BPDex is in a relationship. First time in 2 years I have any sort of conformation. My close friend just randomly told me thinking it wouldn't have any affect on me.

I realize that she has hold over me. I can recite the behavior of BPD and the irrationality, the profound NEED to be with someone. However,  I can't apply it here.


i view her as a rational person. That after this relationship she realized her mistakes and got help and within a matter of a year or 2 she is leaps and bounds better. Whereas, I know pwBPD need years and years of therapy to make an impact. I see my relationship as a fluke and that she generally has good relationships. Which is something I know to be UNTRUE.

I feel like crap because I wasted so much god damn fcking time thinking does she think about me, obviously not. I am certain that now she will make me out to be an abuser like her past boyfriends to hook the new guy in. She will belittle me, ridicule, and rip me apart. It truly sucks. I know so much about BPD but I can't apply it.

She has made me so freaking weak as a person. She has crippled my self esteem. She has made me feel inadequate. I can't be like this anymore. Perhaps it's just the anger and mix of emotions but I cannot be a weak person no longer. I can move to mars and it wouldn't do anything in terms of detachment.

I have to out of necessity, I have to detach. I cannot stomach wasting one more minute of my precious life on a sick person who never had any consideration for me. I must improve myself. I must detach, how? But how? Seems to be the behemoth question. I don't think I will read on BPD or post on here after today. In my case, if I keep visiting a BPD site or reading about it my mind is constantly saturated with her and her illness. I know more than enough about her illness and less on how to detach.

I need to be alone and build myself up. I need to man the fck up and deal with this. I need to know how I can knock her off the pedestal.  What makes me laugh is that she's been on a pedestal this whole time, and I never existed.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2013, 02:59:48 PM »

She did not do one single thing to you that you did not permit, then or now. The man?... .is in the mirror.
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Tryingnottoslip

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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2013, 03:05:14 PM »

Shadow,

Of course. I allowed it. I felt bad because of her past. I left her take advantage of me because she was a victim. Ironically, the victim was in fact a predator.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2013, 03:20:56 PM »

Shadow,

Of course. I allowed it. I felt bad because of her past. I left her take advantage of me because she was a victim. Ironically, the victim was in fact a predator.

And THAT is the way they roll. And us?... .Lost boys rescue broken girls.

Now trade in the shining suit of armor and go out and have some fun. It's a brand new day!
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Tryingnottoslip

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« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2013, 03:24:53 PM »

Thanks... .your post put a smile on my face.

Any advice for this ex knight? Lol
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2013, 03:29:14 PM »

Thanks... .your post put a smile on my face.

Any advice for this ex knight? Lol

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is in the future. All we have is today. MAKE THE BEST OF IT, for this day will never last. Being cool (click to insert in post)

And wear your scars as a badge of your honor!
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2013, 03:31:35 PM »

Shadow,

Of course. I allowed it. I felt bad because of her past. I left her take advantage of me because she was a victim. Ironically, the victim was in fact a predator.

And THAT is the way they roll. And us?... .Lost boys rescue broken girls.

Now trade in the shining suit of armor and go out and have some fun. It's a brand new day!

F***ing SMART
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“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
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bpdspell
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« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2013, 03:38:33 PM »

Of course. I allowed it. I felt bad because of her past. I left her take advantage of me because she was a victim. Ironically, the victim was in fact a predator.

I wouldn't call her a predator as much as I would call her a mentally ill woman that you fell in love with.  Calling her a predator gives her way too much power and creates a narrative that you are weak and helpless which you are not. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Many of us on here have fallen victim to our ex's victim of circumstance story and believed we had what it took to rescue our ex's from themselves. My ex had a string of life failures and he actually convinced me that I had the power to be a different "kind" of influence on his life and that I would be the exception to the trail of ex's that strung him along and couldn't be there for him.

I gladly donned my superhero cape with the hidden agenda of making myself feel better by rescuing him. In my own twisted and distorted thinking I actually thought that saving him would make him feel forever indebted to me. Finally I believed that I found someone who would cherish me the way I always hoped, dreamed, wished and fantasized to be cherished. Finally I would MEAN something to someone else.

That is until the entire fantasy blows up in your face and they drop you on your head with devastating behavior. Suddenly their mask is dropped and you become part of the car pile up of broken ex's. You were once on a pedestal with them in idealization then they pushed you off the highest point of the Brooklyn Bridge.

My ex was with his replacement in less than 24 hours. I was a banished memory of nothingness to him and it didn't matter to him that he crushed my soul. Detaching from the pain was the last thing on my mind as I tried to appendage the hemorrhaging gash in the pit of my stomach.

But then I found BPD family + got a core trauma therapist + emotionally purge limiting self beliefs and damaging narratives.

There is no recipe for detaching as much as it's an emotional decision to love yourself more than you love them. Somewhere inside of you there must be a glimmer or a sliver of hope that there is a bright future without them and that we deserve to be loved without toxic abuse. Our ex's cannot give us the unconditional love that we are hungry for. They have never and never will have the magic keys to our happiness. They are sick, toxic, broken, neurotic, damaged, narcissistic…how can they love anyone in a healthy, validating and consistent way?

Detaching is a decision. Once that decision is made the way will be made for you…a way that will be comfortable for you.

Spell
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2013, 03:47:57 PM »

And you realized that the Super Hero Cape was nothing but a dirty towel and that was not fine tempered steel that made your armor, twas only tin foil.
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Tryingnottoslip

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« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2013, 04:00:07 PM »

Bpd spell,

Yeah I agree with you. Like I said I could move to mars but that won't do anything in terms of detaching.

I know she's disordered and she could never bring me happiness. Wen I heard she has a new boyfriend a child in me came out and said NOT FAIR! What if she gets better! What if she gets it? And improves? How come I had to suffer the way I did and then she'll be better with the next guy?

Crap this is hard. But I need to detach, I mean she's not out of this world, she's a tortured soul.

Everytime I paint her white, miss her, think about her, I need to remind myself that she was toxic for me. Had I stayed with her things could of been WAY worse. I could of been I jail due to some false accusations. I could be severely depressed borderline suicidal, I could be doing drugs to numb the pain she would of put me through. In that sense, I dodged a huge fxking bullet. I can't be crippled by her. I cannot allow myself to be that way. 
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bpdspell
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« Reply #10 on: November 24, 2013, 04:16:08 PM »

NOT FAIR! What if she gets better! What if she gets it? And improves? How come I had to suffer the way I did and then she'll be better with the next guy?

Well that's the thing.

She won't get better; she's mentally ill. BPD is not the common cold or a migraine headache. BPD cannot be scratched out like dandruff. It is a lifelong mentally ill disorder that has lived inside of your ex way before you came into the picture.

She will not "get it". There is not shot, pill, person, new supply, new sexual experience or material thing that will snap your ex out of her mental illness.

She will only improve with years of COMMITTED psychological intervention; which is a long shot for most people with BPD because their narcissism keeps them in deep denial.  A relationship cannot "improve" her or make her better. That is a lie they tell themselves and is a huge part of their delusion.

As for your suffering…Yes... .You are suffering…FOR NOW... .but your suffering won't last always…unless you want it to.

Your ex however will continue to suffer as she jumps from relationship to relationship carrying her deep shame and distorted toxic thinking with her.  She's has BPD and she's adept at hiding for a while but in the end the secret of BPD always rears its ugly head. The facade of normalcy never lasts for long with them.

When we are in pain and feeling abandoned it is difficult to see how painful their existence is. We think cause they're out having empty meaningless sex with the next guy that they're riding high and skipping off in the sunset. We think they are retribution and karma free. We think they've got it so good because someone else is now experiencing the carrot of idealization but once you really understand BPD you wouldn't wish BPD to be on your worst enemy.

She won't be better with the next guy because there's no one in the world with that level of healing power for a person with BPD.

Spell
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Tryingnottoslip

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« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2013, 05:12:42 PM »

Spell, your post was uplifting.

I know it to be true, I know that she will never be happy because its her herself who destroys any chance of that. Now comes the guy, this guy has been her best guy friend for years. What if he makes her better

I don't know I hate this truly. The little kid in me is crying in a corner because its unfair. But I am hopeful.

This is a bad spell and ill get over it someday. I'm facing my issues. She's not. She thinks because she's in a relationship that she can live her life with normalcy and her childhood issues will just disappear.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #12 on: November 24, 2013, 06:05:14 PM »

The worry within a non that someone, the next one, might get better is actually a healthy response. Because that's what a normal person would like to achieve. Something better, an improvement. We, as nons, learn from our mistakes. BPDs keep mobbing the floor with the water pumping constantly wondering why the floor isn't getting dryer.
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lkic

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« Reply #13 on: November 24, 2013, 06:22:32 PM »

TRYINGNOTTOSLIP  What you need to remember is that she cannot help it.  It has taken me years of hurt from my child to realise that though.  Simply incapable of feeling the normal feelings of being in a loving relationship, very very sad.  You really need to protect yourself from the battering you are giving yourself.  Easier said than done I know but you can move on and have a loving normal relationship your BPDex cannot.  I pity anyone unwittingly falling in love with someone with BPD because they cannot return the love in a normal way and tend to push the person away whilst abusing them at the same time.  Have kind thoughts about her but realise she can never be different.  From what I have read about this condition there is help out there but it can take years and years to have an effect.  You should be in a loving normal relationship with someone who can return your feelings.  Sorry if I sound like I am preaching to you.
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Tryingnottoslip

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« Reply #14 on: November 24, 2013, 07:00:20 PM »

Harm & lkic

 thank you both.

This whole day feels like I JUST broke up with her and I found this out, although its been almost 2 years. Now is when I get the unwanted conformation she is with someone.

You're right harm that we will learn from our mistakes. That fear we have is driven by the uncertainty that they will miraculously change. I want a respectful relationship filled with reciprocity. My ex is not clinically diagnosed as borderline but all her behavior, all her words actions whatever fall under NPD/BPD, ALL of her behavior!

What if she doesn't have BPD and me only me triggered her. Life is a bxtch sometimes and extremely unfair sometimes.

The position I am in right now is making me doubt what I know to be true. I hate it,


Lkic, preach all you want I am truly grateful for the kind and helpful words. Everyone today as hold me pity her boyfriend because he has no clue what to expect. Poor guy, they say. And perhaps they are right.
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Changingman
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« Reply #15 on: November 24, 2013, 10:30:23 PM »

It's not you, it's not personal, they bring themselves to the table, break the table, stink up the room, look at you and say... .a this is a bad room with broken things in it. Then they leave. What magic can anyone do? Nothing. The same person the same tricks the same outcome
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Tryingnottoslip

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« Reply #16 on: November 24, 2013, 11:30:36 PM »

Part of me is glad to hear that, that it will be the same thing over and over. I don't want that I want to Just say Fxck it who cares.

I'm noticing I'm getting a  Few gray hairs. Stress related probably mixed in with some bad habits. I need to stop any bad habit I might have and ruminating about her is my top one.
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Changingman
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« Reply #17 on: November 26, 2013, 04:32:58 PM »

It's cold out here! Good people hurt, betrayed, discarded. Still fractured, still angry, still hurt. I didn't want to let her know what she had, in case that made her recover... .so in denial... .this is a serious mental disorder.
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lkic

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« Reply #18 on: November 26, 2013, 05:11:26 PM »

This is a serious mental disorder and to be honest the best thing you can do for yourself is to go and get some councelling.  You are battered and bruised but you need to look after yourself, you don't want to be 5 years down the road and still getting hurt about things your ex is doing.  You have a golden opportunity to move on and you need to grab it with both hands.  Sadly BPD sufferers cannot move on but you can.  If you were advising a close friend in your situation what would you say to them.  Then say it to yourself.  I wish the person in my life who had BPD was not a relative as it would be much easier to walk and believe me I would walk but it's my child so I feel trapped forever and therefore envy you, you can walk knowing that her family will look after her, you are not abandoning her.
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Changingman
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« Reply #19 on: November 28, 2013, 06:57:18 AM »

This is a serious mental disorder and to be honest the best thing you can do for yourself is to go and get some councelling.  You are battered and bruised but you need to look after yourself, you don't want to be 5 years down the road and still getting hurt about things your ex is doing.  You have a golden opportunity to move on and you need to grab it with both hands.  Sadly BPD sufferers cannot move on but you can.  If you were advising a close friend in your situation what would you say to them.  Then say it to yourself.  I wish the person in my life who had BPD was not a relative as it would be much easier to walk and believe me I would walk but it's my child so I feel trapped forever and therefore envy you, you can walk knowing that her family will look after her, you are not abandoning her.

I hear you, am on my way, was a bit mean spirited but moving on.
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living in the past
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« Reply #20 on: November 28, 2013, 06:24:35 PM »

Thanks everyone for posting here and replys,i hope it sinks in my thick scull,good reading i needed to read.
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