postpone 2 wks?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We are supposed to go to a final hearing and just hand in an agreement for our final divorce next week.  I sent a proposal that includes my stbxh staying in counseling.  He didn't like it, and his counterproposal asks for an extra overnight of parenting time, and bunches of other stuff.  My attorney said that maybe if we postpone court 2 weeks we can resolve a lot of these issues by back and forth proposals so that it's not a waste of time and money to go into court and sit there for hours negotiating. 

I am worried that if we postpone by 2 weeks, my stbxh will come up with more silly things to add to our agreement.  Maybe better just to hash it all out in court and stop the bleeding. 

But I also am thinking that he got offended by something I said last week, and that's why he put the stuff in with the kids and more overnights.  If we give it 2 weeks he may go back into loving mode and I can get him to be more agreeable.

I'm leaning toward just hurrying up and going to court next week and maybe being done with everything.  Although there was a time I wanted to postpone just to see if any other big issues come up with stbx that need to be resolved.

Any thoughts?

[momtara]

We are supposed to go to a final hearing and just hand in an agreement for our final divorce next week.  I sent a proposal that includes my stbxh staying in counseling.  He didn't like it, and his counterproposal asks for an extra overnight of parenting time, and bunches of other stuff.  My attorney said that maybe if we postpone court 2 weeks we can resolve a lot of these issues by back and forth proposals so that it's not a waste of time and money to go into court and sit there for hours negotiating. 

I am worried that if we postpone by 2 weeks, my stbxh will come up with more silly things to add to our agreement.  Maybe better just to hash it all out in court and stop the bleeding. 

But I also am thinking that he got offended by something I said last week, and that's why he put the stuff in with the kids and more overnights.  If we give it 2 weeks he may go back into loving mode and I can get him to be more agreeable.

I'm leaning toward just hurrying up and going to court next week and maybe being done with everything.  Although there was a time I wanted to postpone just to see if any other big issues come up with stbx that need to be resolved.

Any thoughts?

[mt grl]

I would not postpone. See how much you can hammer out before your hearing and settle the rest then. My experience with BPD is that they react out of anger then eventually capitulate. And they love to drag things out. Lawyers are used to dealing with somewhat rational people, so that don't really understand how to handle BPDs.

[scraps66]

I would share your worry momtara.  Take the opportunity when you get it, that's my mantra... .now.  Postponing with a BP has never worked for me.  Also, for your lawyer, I don't see that a judge will allow open negotiation of "trivial" things and clog up the court's agenda.  You may be told to, amongst yourselves, negotiate these thigns during the day, then get called back in front of the judge to confirm agreement, or not.  And, there is nothing saying that you can't waste money not being in court negotiating, and then waste more time waiting for ANOTHER court date. 

At this point in time it is quite late in the day to be asking for modifications to parenting time.  I assume the parenting time has been set and working for some time now and that is not something that is changed easily - in my experience. 

[momtara]

Yes, that's what I went with - doing it NOW.  The longer I wait, the more crap he'll come up with.  And you're right, I think he included those things out of anger, and will calm down as long as I don't trigger him again.

I am very frightened of court because you never know what can happen.  But this isn't a hearing, really just a place to go and put something on the record to get this divorce done and over with.

I am going to be firm about the parenting time.  The thing is, though, he has VERY little.  Any judge is going to want to give him more.  But not in a hurried hearing.

[ForeverDad]

I realize the current schedule is semi-permanent and maybe not set in stone.  But if he agreed to the schedule several months ago and it's been working so far, that's good for you.  The judge may not be inclined to change the schedule so soon.  By saying "so soon" I mean that it's been less than a year.  I've heard comments here where so courts don't want to change a schedule until there is basis and a year has passed.  The only things on his side is that the schedule may not yet be Set In Stone and he currently gets less than the usual time for a non-primary parent.

If/when he raises the matter, can you gently deflect the issue by saying, "It's been working fine so far.  Lets see how it goes and look at it again later {next year, after a year, etc}... ."

[livednlearned]

I am going to be firm about the parenting time.  The thing is, though, he has VERY little.  Any judge is going to want to give him more.  But not in a hurried hearing.

Why do you think any judge is going to want to give him more time?

[momtara]

Just 'cause it's so little time.  With young kids, I think the experts want them to see the parents more.

And in fact, I have seen them missing him because they go so long without seeing him.  I'd give him a Wednesday dinner later on, but not at the last minute.

Oh well, we'll see.  He does tend to back off things once he calms down.  I lowered the support amount, so maybe that will make him a happy camper. 

I know that in the end, whether it's a year from now or more, if he stays involved, he's gonna want more time, and maybe we'll be ready for that.  Just hope the kids don't someday ask to live with him (one never knows!)