How do you make peace with a BPD after a lash out/ projection session?

[Diana82]

Interested to hear your thoughts...

I had a terrible 3 week fight with my exUBPD (whom Ive tried to be friends with). She lashed out at me for reasons I don't understand. And accused me of things I didn't say. It sounded like she was talking to someone else.

Then she apologised and told me I make her act defensively and have a knack at finding her insecurities. A lot of blame and projection has been going on.

She then sent me an article about how patronising it is to label women "crazy", just because their behaviour is inappropriate to you. And she told me that everyone who knows her thinks she is crazy and was quite rude to me again. This whole dilemma got to me and I had been so calm and collected. She just annoyed me so much!

I told her to stop sending me self destructive messages and that I had had enough of feeling bad over the way others had treated her. Silence.

It's been a week.

How do you defuse arguments and how do you keep the peace with someone with BPD?

[Suzn]

Hello Diana, good to see you.   

It's commendable to want to continue your friendship with your ex. Good to see you looking for answers to improve this relationship, even if it's just friends now. Diana this takes work on our part, no two ways about it. If you are willing to do the work, you open up the possibilities of improvement. Nothing will change without changes to the behavior patterns you've been a part of. Since you can't change her, you can only make changes on your end. Your reactions, your behaviors. I'm not saying this is all your fault, what I am saying is that it takes two. We all play a role.

I would suggest that you spend some time reading through the lessons on the Staying board and look for ways to implement the tools and communication skills that will be necessary to improve your relationship. It's a commitment Diana, without that commitment to improve our own skills we would be spinning our wheels only focusing on what "they" do or say. The focus has to change to what "we" do and say.

What do you say? Are you ready to roll up your sleeves and do some work?

We can help with that over on the Staying board. 

[Diana82]

thanks for your message, Suzn. 

Well, this morning I sent her a text saying I'm sorry others view her that way and to let her know that I don't label her and hope she's alright.

Then I sent her a link to top 10 accommodation tips in South America that I was reading. We both have travel in common and I am planning a South America trip next year and so is she!  So I thought I'd try to establish a better connection this way...

there's nothing threatening with that link and it doesn't relate to anything to do with her issues.   I do miss our old conversations...     :'(

I'm not sure I'll ever hear back though.     She might have split me black after my last message telling her to stop sending me self-destructive stuff. It was very firm and probably the harshest I have been to her.

I guess I thought it appropriate at the time, so shouldn't be too hard on myself. I am still learning how to communicate with someone like this. It's a steep learning curve

[Suzn]

She might have split me black after my last message telling her to stop sending me self-destructive stuff. It was very firm and probably the harshest I have been to her.

Ok, so you enforced a boundary. Good for you!

I guess I thought it appropriate at the time, so shouldn't be too hard on myself. I am still learning how to communicate with someone like this. It's a steep learning curve

Why would you be hard on yourself? Boundaries are for self perseverance. They are essential for a healthier relationship, on both sides. You say she went silent after you told her this. Did that make you uncomfortable? The silence?

Here's one of the workshops from the lessons on the Staying board that I thought might be beneficial for your situation.

SELF-AWARE: Are we victims?

What are your thoughts? 

[Diana82]

I feel she says stuff or sends me stuff to evoke a reaction.

She knew I'd ask questions if she sent me the article about not labelling women crazy. She also knew I'd feel sympathy for her by telling me others think badly of her and she'd get the attention she may want.

But what I find unusual is the baiting techniques she uses and the way she then shuts me down when I respond! 

I only asked her twice why she sent me the article. And she told me she is trying to ignore me and wants me to stop "texting her everyday"

what is that about?

[Diana82]

And I know it's a good idea to enforce boundaries with BPDs.

But because I know how hypersensitive she is, her silence has made me think she is deeply hurt.

If she found an innocent apology of mine to be nasty, I can't imagine what she would have thought being told to basically shove her bitterness elsewhere.

What I would like to know is... why are certain people triggers for BPDs? This girl told me I "have a knack" for finding her insecurities. I don't know how.

But is it because we once shared an intimate relationship? It was short but intense. If you get close to a BPD (even sexually) can you just become their trigger?

[Suzn]

Give me a few minutes. I'm putting together a response. 

[Suzn]

I feel she says stuff or sends me stuff to evoke a reaction.

This could be true. However you worded this as a "feeling" you have. Is this a fact or is this a feeling? It will be hard to answer that question since neither of us knows exactly what she is thinking. So it may be best to switch our focus to our reaction. This is focusing on what "we" say or do.

She knew I'd ask questions if she sent me the article about not labelling women crazy. She also knew I'd feel sympathy for her by telling me others think badly of her and she'd get the attention she may want.

Again, is this a fact or a feeling? We don't want to "react" on assumptions.

But what I find unusual is the baiting techniques she uses and the way she then shuts me down when I respond! 

Does this surprise you? If this is her history then by now it is to be expected. As hard as it is try not take this personally Diana, her behavior has nothing to do with you. It has to do with her past and how she copes with her own emotions. Does that make sense?

I only asked her twice why she sent me the article. And she told me she is trying to ignore me and wants me to stop "texting her everyday"

Ok she set a boundary. Whatever the reason, she has asked that you not text her every day. Respect that. She is just a friend now, this is starting to sound like a "lover" situation, would you agree? Why ask her twice?

And I know it's a good idea to enforce boundaries with BPDs.

Yes, it is, it is a necessity. Boundaries are a good idea in any relationship not just a pwBPD.

her silence has made me think she is deeply hurt.

Fact or feeling? What did you react on? If this statement was true, not saying it's not however neither of us know for sure, why do you feel you needed to fix this FOR her?

What I would like to know is... why are certain people triggers for BPDs? Is it because we once shared an intimate relationship? It was short but intense. If you get close to a BPD (even sexually) can you just become their trigger?

Yes, it's because you were intimate. You are a trigger because once a pwBPD gets this close they fear losing you. A fear of abandonment, that's the disorder. We all have some fears of abandonment but for a pwBPD it can go to the extreme.

I'd like to redirect this back to the workshop I shared with you and get your thoughts on that. This is part of the "work." Understanding the disorder and understanding what happened is only half of our recovery. Seeing our side (learning about our behaviors) and working to make changes in us (some of which is learning about our reactions, why we react the way we do, also learning about our communication skill level and how to improve that) is the other half. You deserve the whole enchilada, not just half. 

[Diana82]

thank you Suzn for your comments. I will read through the workshop info for sure...

Yes, I don't know for sure how she feels. I'm only guessing here.  She could be all happy and have forgotten our fight for all I know.

I guess I feel better having sent her a nice message today saying I do not label her and sending her something we used to both like... to try to make peace. 

I do wonder though... why do you think she sent me that article?  along with telling me that "You shouldn't label women as crazy just because you deem their behaviour inappropriate. It's so patronising". 

... I told her the lash out and her recent behaviour was very 'confusing' and hurtful to me and that I didn't understand her reaction.  I am assuming she sent it to me because she must 'feel' crazy or assume I think she is crazy.

Cos when I asked her when have I labelled her crazy, she said  "you don't have to. Everyone who knows me apparently does it already".

do you think she is trying to get my sympathy or is genuinely worried about her reputation?

[Diana82]

interesting about the intimacy thing and being a trigger... .

I guess she finds this hard to communicate to me because she is unaware of her own disorder perhaps. 

This was her message to me when I asked her what she meant that I 'find' her insecurities.

She said  "Truth is, I don't know what you say/do I just don't feel myself around you. And you make me act quite defensively. I'm not a fighter so it's confusing and strange when I am this way. I must need to learn some life skill and then we'll revisit this!"

And I do find it odd she says she doesn't feel herself around me... .I haven't seen her for 3 months!

I went away on holidays for 3.5 weeks in September to Europe. And before I left, she avoided me and flaked on me completely. She'd even said that I was "leaving" with a sad face... rather than going on a holiday.

I get the feeling she did this because she may have sense rejection coming. Then she even encouraged me to find another woman over in Europe! she seemed completely non interested in me. And disconnected. I was hurt.

But when I got back, she told me she misses me.   

And I confronted her over her avoidance... and she LASHED out like never before! this was the start of the war.

So... if you confront a BPD over their behaviour esp their avoidance of you... can this make them defensive?

[Suzn]

thank you Suzn for your comments. I will read through the workshop info for sure...

Good. I will be waiting to hear your thoughts. This was a good workshop for me too.  

Yes, I don't know for sure how she feels. I'm only guessing here.  She could be all happy and have forgotten our fight for all I know.

That's right, we aren't in her head so no way to know. It's good practice to recognize when we are doing this, to stop and remind ourselves we are only guessing. That is refocusing ourselves on us and our behaviors.  

I guess I feel better having sent her a nice message today saying I do not label her and sending her something we used to both like... to try to make peace.  

Then would it be fair to say you did this for you? Since you were concerned she was hurt? That's an uncomfortable feeling, I get it. Making peace can very well be about us controlling our environment that so we can be comfortable.

I do wonder though... why do you think she sent me that article?  along with telling me that "You shouldn't label women as crazy just because you deem their behaviour inappropriate. It's so patronising".

No way for either of us to know why. Right?

I am assuming she sent it to me because she must 'feel' crazy or assume I think she is crazy.

Cos when I asked her when have I labelled her crazy, she said  "you don't have to. Everyone who knows me apparently does it already".

do you think she is trying to get my sympathy or is genuinely worried about her reputation?

Same here, we have no way of knowing for certain. The only thing you can know for certain is what you are thinking. Maybe it would be good to explore why it is so important to you to figure out exactly why she says what she says. Asking ourselves questions such as this is a good way to gain a new perspective. Sit with it, mull it over, literally asking yourself "why is it so important to me to know what she is thinking?"

[Diana82]

Hey Suzn

I don't think of myself as a victim... rather a 'fixer'.

When people have an issue with me, I want to know what it is and how I can resolve. Especially if it's a friend or lover or someone I care about.

Most people I know fit into what I call 'rational' and we are able to discuss stuff like this. Sure, we argue. But, we both can understand where the other one is coming from and work out our differences. We also learn from our mistakes and are able to improve.

In this case with this girl... I have been bewildered as to how I affect her this way.  How do I set her off like that by asking a question? especially the way she lashed out and accused me of calling her a "bipolar junkie" was the most disturbing one.     And this came after I asked her why she had avoided me before I went to Europe.

I kept asking her to show me where I said this and she'd change the subject.  Then she accused me of insulting her 'every week' but again couldn't give me examples.

But the next day, she apologised profusely telling me she has 'a plethora of issues' and to not giver her much energy. She seemed to feel guilty after her lash out.  But then the next day she started making cutting remarks again.

I decided to give her space... but as I mentioned... I couldn't resist responding to her baiting style messages. My bad.

Yes, peace is important to me. You could say I am someone who feels unsettled when I have an argument with someone. I like peace. But I also do care about her well being and want her to be happy. I don't know if I will hear from her ever again to be honest.

She also deleted me off facebook in her rage 2 weeks ago and hasn't attempted to re-request me as a friend. It's all be so dramatic.  :'(

[Diana82]

It's semi reassuring hearing more about how we are triggers to BPDs.

I have felt lonely in this and quite isolated. It feels like she has singled me out as someone who 'makes' her act a certain way.

When she told me I 'make' her act defensively, I responded in a way I would with someone without a personality disorder and said - "I don't believe I can make anyone act a certain way. We are all responsible for our own emotions and reactions."

She responded in fury saying "Why is this so important to you? I have apologised, absolved you of all wrong doing and I am to blame because of my plethora of issues. What else can I do?"

... .wasn't sure how to answer that one. 

[Samuel S.]

With my BPDw, I can only say nothing, but just to let her talk. After all, she prefers to have the last word in terms of any conversation.  Of course, if and when she becomes accusatory, degrading, and abusive, that's stepping over the line. That's when I just say no to her and to stop. Otherwise, which is more often, I just go into my shell.

[Diana82]

Hey

So how do you know if you've been "painted black"?

Feels like she painted me black when she accused me of calling her bipolar. But then she apologised and got mad again. So I don't know... is painting black permanent?

My friend told me it's likely she will reply next week as if nothing really happened. :/

[Diana82]

An example of her painting black/painting white...

When I met her, she kept trash talking her ex. Painted her as an emotional abuser... someone who degrades her in bed.

She had financial ties to her and a shared car. So she'd have to see her ex sometimes. And she'd tell me "it was horrendous seeing her!" or she'd say "she's so lazy and keeps dirtying up my car! Ugh! I want to trash her stuff"

And she was quick to point out they are "civil" but not friends.

She also told me it wasn't a very good relationship and they kept breaking up and making up.

But then... A couple weeks later she told me they were like best friends! I was like huh?

And said "it wasn't a negative relationship".

I know after a break up, people can change their perceptions of what happened or their feelings can change. But this just seemed too shifty.

Then she would put her ex down again.

Next thing I know, she goes to a conference with this "horrendous" ex and claims they are friends.

Could it be... while she was dating me she was recycling her ex? Or painting her black and then white.

Could this be happening to me too?