Facebook: What would you Do?

[Verbena]

My DD28 is very upset with me because I haven't commented on or "liked" any of her Facebook posts in a long time.  She equates this to me not showing my love for her.  She says it wouldn't kill me to comment occasionally and wants to  know why I won't since I know it means so much to her.  She will not let this topic go and periodically posts pictures that I see in FB notifications with the instructions that I must click on them to put them on my Timeline.  She is upset with my husband for the same reason. 

Here's the thing.  I do still have my FB and so does my husband.  I deleted mine months ago for awhile when we were mostly NC with DD but got it back when I realized my business FB page wouldn't work without it.  However, I stopped commenting on and "liking" ANYTHING a long time ago for several reasons. 

1.  I got tired of DD telling me that I should comment on certain posts by her or others.

2.  I got tired of offending DD by my comments or posts.

3.  I got tired of DD using FB as a venue to portray a fake relationship between us.

For many months I have only done FB posts of decorating projects--on my personal and business pages both.  However, I do still enjoy looking at Facebook, especially at some of the organizations pages I subscribe to.  DD says I am a "creeper" and that my decorating business is not big enough or successful enough for me to even have a FB page to promote it.  (This last comment was said with unbelievable scorn and a big smile.) 

What I want to do is delete everything and so does my husband.  We are sick of this.  What would you do? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Verbena

Consider blocking your dd.  That way you can still keep your fb business page and enjoy posts by others.  Her posts will not appear on your fb.

[Verbena]

Verbena

Consider blocking your dd.  That way you can still keep your fb business page and enjoy posts by others.  Her posts will not appear on your fb.

The problem, according to DD, is that she can see when I am logged on, and she doesn't understand why I won't join in on the comments of the many pictures she posts since I can see them. If I block her, won't she know she's been blocked?  If so, that will be even worse.   She also wants me to posts pictures because "that's one way you show your love for your family." 

[qcarolr]

Verbena

May I ask what other ways you and your D interact? Is facebook your only source of contact right now?

Sometimes I hear from my DD27 demands of interacting with her in a specific way with similar comments "this is how loving families are". It is so easy for me to get caught up in these demands, that are her 'truth'. My reality is not often the same as hers. When I allow her to define what my values are, my thinking can get really muddy.

How do I reset? I stop to consider what my core values are, what I need to do to protect these with boundaries and limits, and ways to be validating of my D's feelings while avoiding validating her actions that feel so invalidating to me.  Take care of my own needs.

It sounds like you and your dh have been finding ways to reset for a while. Are there ways you can connect with your D that do not involve being part of her facebook world?

qcr

[MammaMia]

Verbena

There is a way to "hide" the fact you are logged in on fb.  I do not know how to do it but I would encourage you to check into it.   It may be under one of the privacy settings.

My daughter is the one who told me about it.

[Verbena]

Verbena

May I ask what other ways you and your D interact? Is facebook your only source of contact right now?

Sometimes I hear from my DD27 demands of interacting with her in a specific way with similar comments "this is how loving families are". It is so easy for me to get caught up in these demands, that are her 'truth'. My reality is not often the same as hers. When I allow her to define what my values are, my thinking can get really muddy.

How do I reset? I stop to consider what my core values are, what I need to do to protect these with boundaries and limits, and ways to be validating of my D's feelings while avoiding validating her actions that feel so invalidating to me.  Take care of my own needs.

It sounds like you and your dh have been finding ways to reset for a while. Are there ways you can connect with your D that do not involve being part of her facebook world?

qcr

qcr, we have contact in every other way---mostly phone and text but also some face-to-face contact, too.  Not a lot but some.  She is really fixated on this FB thing, and all I can say to her (and have said to her) is that I don't use FB to show my love, that I loved her before there was such a thing and will love her when FB is not around anymore.  

It's a no-win situation because if I don't comment on FB, she's upset; if I do, it won't be enough or I won't say the right thing.  She is more concerned with how our relationship is perceived by others than what it really is.  It's just frustrating.  And yes, my reality and my DD's reality are often very different, too.  I am trying to keep the boundaries I set for myself, and this is one of them.  

I've been following your story and am so glad things are better.  

[Verbena]

Verbena

There is a way to "hide" the fact you are logged in on fb.  I do not know how to do it but I would encourage you to check into it.   It may be under one of the privacy settings.

My daughter is the one who told me about it.

I didn't know that.  I'll look into it.  Thank you!

[hopeangel]

Its true!

My dd is obsessed with fb, always rearranging her photos on there, then rearranging them again!

I had these issues but my ds put me on 'hidden' somehow so now I cant be seen!

I don't go on much anyway but if I do its private!

[peaceplease]

Verbena,

It sounds like you have it handled now.  I was going to suggest unfriending your dd.  I have done it in the past with my dd, and may consider it again.  My dd has been polluting FB with numerous "selfie" photos.  She will write how she is tri-polar, and wants to give a shout out to me.  That her mother took over her responsibilities when she was unable to do so.  I never respond or like any of those comments.  One day my dd will be praising her family, the next she will be complaining about how they are not there for her.  Today, I am white, and tomorrow, probably not.  So, I NEVER respond. 

I am glad that you ds fixed that for you.

[Verbena]

Verbena,

It sounds like you have it handled now.  I was going to suggest unfriending your dd.  I have done it in the past with my dd, and may consider it again.  My dd has been polluting FB with numerous "selfie" photos.  She will write how she is tri-polar, and wants to give a shout out to me.  That her mother took over her responsibilities when she was unable to do so.  I never respond or like any of those comments.  One day my dd will be praising her family, the next she will be complaining about how they are not there for her.  Today, I am white, and tomorrow, probably not.  So, I NEVER respond. 

I am glad that you ds fixed that for you.

That is terrible and I don't blame you for never responding.  My situation is very different.  My DD will post pictures of the two of us and say wonderful things about me, which is great, but I'm just better off not commenting because of problems in the past that resulted when I did comment. 

It all feels very fake to me.   I want a genuine relationship with my daughter that is not based on the facade of Facebook.

[Bracken]

Hi Verbena

It's interesting to notice that a lot of counsellors, hypnotherapists, etc now advertise that they work with "Internet addictions" .I suspect that a lot of BPD young adults have  Facebook addiction.

The worst is when my D goes over and over photos of other young women - and  of herself. Comparing.

Peaceplease: I also notice a suddent obsession with SELFIES. I  heard on the radio that it  is actually the "official" most popular new word of 2012.

I don't like it when my D tags or posts a pic of me. I keep reminding her to not compromise the privacy of her family with FB. She can be so naive. And of course, impulsive.

Til recently, D had over 500 FB "friends" - and started getting creepy stuff happening, inevitably.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Verbena]

I turned off the "chat" option on my FB account and hope that will do the trick.  I don't want to have to give up looking at it when I want to or give up my business Facebook, and I am not going to start commenting because that is one boundary I have set and want to keep.  If it appears that I'm not ever "on", maybe there will be fewer demands that I do that. 

I think most, if not all, people on Facebook try to present themselves in a certain way, the way they want to be perceived.  For my daughter, that is very true.  FB is the perfect venue to feed her need to be complimented and praised.  She makes tons of posts, most with pictures (she is gorgeous) and "likes" and comments on others often.

DD has over a thousand FB friends, and it is obvious from all the comments she gets that most of them have no clue what her issues are.  She has many good traits which people do see and comment on, but her posts often seemed designed to keep a facade going.  She would  NEVER exhibit on FB the same behavior she shows in person to those closest to her.  It's like she really believes that the bad behavior never happened, and it's only the FB version of her life that is real.

Her current theme is, "I wasn't a perfect teenager" (that is an understatement) "but I turned out great."  She acts as if all the chaos of the almost ten years in between did not happen.  But this is just with me, not for her FB crowd.