Seeking a better r/s with BPD daughter and wanting to be there for grandson

[mammy8918]

I have a 33 year old daughter who is the single mother of a 1 1/2 year old boy.  She lived in Germany for 7 years and was just home for a couple of weeks during the Holidays so I fooled myself into thinking she had "grown up".  When she became pregnant and the man wanted her to have an abortion and abandoned her, I went to help her move.  I was shocked by the chaos in her home and her inability to pack or function.  Looking back I realize she has needed help moving every time her circumstances change (she always moves after her relationships and situations become unmanageable and I always show up to help at her request).  She always ends up screaming at me and accusing me of wanting her to fail, etc. etc. etc.  I did not know she was BPD until recently, when a therapist I work with in  another capacity (I do Animal Assisted Therapy with returning veterans-I am not a therapist but provide animals) told me she thought that was probably a diagnosis and explanation for my daughters erratic behavior.

     Long story short, she lived with us for the last few months of her pregnancy and the first year of her son's life.  She now lives in a home 45 minutes from us.  She still lashes out at me and it upsets my grandson.  He is very attached to both of us so I kind of solve the problem by taking him for a day so my daughter can have time for herself.  I have them both to my home and we usually have a wonderful time, then right before she leaves she attacks me out of the blue, causes havoc and storms off.  She later calls and apologizes, but then excuses her behavior by attacking me again.  I usually don't defend myself, because I'm so afraid of a breach that will isolate my grand son from us.  She uses him to manipulate us and I must admit it works.  I'm in the process of reading everything I can get my hands on, but the future for our situation seems bleak.  I am 62 and my energy level and reserves are not those of a young grand mother.  I fear what will happen to my grand son if something happens to me.  All insights are appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Mammy

I wanted to welcome you to the site. There are many in the same situation as you here and I hope they chime in.

Have you read any books on BPD? That is where I would start... .changing the way you interact with her is the only control you have over the siuation. I suggest you read Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr... .it really has helped me. What I have learned is that I only have control over myself and that is who I can control so make some changes in how you interact with your dd and things will get better. Have you considered going to a family therapist together? That has helped our family and gives us a place to talk freely and work on our problems.

Don't give up hope... .things can get better.

[rainbow54]

Welcome Mammy.

I can relate to your concerns as I have a 39 year old diagnosed BPD (single parent) daughter and a 3 year old grandson - very similar circumstances to what you've shared.   It isn't easy and I also fear for my grandson's well being.

I've learned so much from the tools and workshops provided on this site. They don't resolve the issues but do provide me the support and coping skills I need to keep moving forward in a constructive manner- and using them has, at times, proven beneficial in my interactions with my daughter. 

After a long time and several trials/errors I think I've finally found the right therapist to help me take care of myself - someone who  has experience with BPD and DBT (just in case my daughter ever decides to help herself).   I also sometimes attend a local Al-Anon group for parents/grandparents when I need physical support/contact.   

I've researched grandparents' legal rights in my State and, unfortunately, there are none until the child is in State custody - but I am now aware of my legal status and what I can and cannot do to protect my grandson in a worst case scenario.  Legal rights vary State to State.

And I practice yoga as time permits - a great physical release that also helps keep me mindful.  Even performing 'yoga breathing' (deep inhalation through the nose and slow release from the mouth) can help relax me on those nights when I can't sleep because I am worrying about my grandson's future.

These are actions I can take to be strong emotionally and physically when and if I can help my grandson - and my daughter.  And I remain hopeful that that day will come.

As jellibeans posted, so much is beyond our control.   

My thoughts and prayers are with you... .stay strong.

 

   

[peaceplease]

mammy8918,

  I have a 29 y.o. daughter, and a 6 y.o. grandson.  I can understand you fears and concerns. 

I have several books on BPD.  My latest one that I am currently reading is the one that jellibeans has suggested.  Another good book that I would like to recommend is:  I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better - Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg

This book has helped me with validation skills and setting boundaries. 

In addition to therapy for myself, this board and all of the tools have helped tremendously.  And, the key thing is as jellibeans and rainbow have told you about taking care of yourself.  I can not change my daughter,  She is not seeking help, and I can not change or control her behaviors.  It is pretty much the acceptance prayer.

Hang in there.  

peaceplease

[Maltacar]

These stories of your daughters raising your grandchildren sound all to familiar to me.  Our daughter has a wonderful 13 year old son. Like many of you we are very close to him and helped raise him.  Over the years she has kept him from us for as long as 7 months.  It's been heartbreaking to witness this sort of behavior around our precious grandson. 

My concern for him is he will be graduating high school in 4 years and should move on into independence.  Since his mother is so obsessed with her only child that she will prevent him from from whatever he decides to do.

Currently she hasn't spoken to me since July and frankly I'm getting so burned out with her behavior I'm not in any hurry to have any kind of relationship with her. Because he is now 13 we continue to have contact with our grandson even when she doesn't speak to us.