How long does it take...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm contemplating on leaving my BPD boyfriend. However, I'm still on the fence.

The only issue is, I honestly don't trust him. Idk if it's because of my trust issues, his disorder or my own insecurities.

I just feel like I go through withdrawals without him. I feel like I'll have a nervous breakdown if I break it off with him and find out that he's with someone else... .Is this selfish of me to think?

I'm madly in love with him. Have been since I was 19. We've had our breaks, and I've been in a serious relationship with someone else post our last break-up, but this time around I feel like I've become more enmeshed in him, which makes me feel like the withdrawal from him (my "drug" will destroy me.

How hard is it once you break up? How long does it usually take to completely "wean" yourself off from this person? How do you find the courage to trust someone again, fall in love again? My only fear is that I will never find someone who I'm attracted to as much as I am to him. We have a magnetic, yet destructive, connection to this man. It's thrilling, yet scary. However, I do want that connection with someone, but without the destructiveness.

Any tips/ideas/opinions?

[amja77]

I'm contemplating on leaving my BPD boyfriend. However, I'm still on the fence.

The only issue is, I honestly don't trust him. Idk if it's because of my trust issues, his disorder or my own insecurities.

I just feel like I go through withdrawals without him. I feel like I'll have a nervous breakdown if I break it off with him and find out that he's with someone else... .Is this selfish of me to think?

I'm madly in love with him. Have been since I was 19. We've had our breaks, and I've been in a serious relationship with someone else post our last break-up, but this time around I feel like I've become more enmeshed in him, which makes me feel like the withdrawal from him (my "drug" will destroy me.

How hard is it once you break up? How long does it usually take to completely "wean" yourself off from this person? How do you find the courage to trust someone again, fall in love again? My only fear is that I will never find someone who I'm attracted to as much as I am to him. We have a magnetic, yet destructive, connection to this man. It's thrilling, yet scary. However, I do want that connection with someone, but without the destructiveness.

Any tips/ideas/opinions?

[Surnia]

  amja27

People are different, so it is difficult to say generally how long does it takes... .

I an honest, I have mixed feelings about a relationship like a drug. Its possible that you easily fall for it again than... .   So I can understand that you are hesitating.

Can you tell us a bit more about being enmeshed with him?

[waverider]

How much do you know about this disorder?

The reason I ask is that for those that have worked through the guidlines and lessons on the Staying Board with a genuine desire to stay work out a lot of the "whys" and "what ifs" while they are in a RS. If it then fails then there is a greaterr clarity and ability to move on.

Others who have not been through this and are learning about the disorder after the event find all the "whys" and "what ifs" wont go away so readily, and are more likely to go through the recycling scenario, with much more bitterness and resentment.

[letmeout]

Being informed does make it a lot easier to let go when its time to.

[amja77]

I've studied quite a bit on this disorder. I'm also a graduate in Human Servies and Psychology, which is crazy considering I know how treatment-resistent pwBPD are.

But... .I seem to be either sincerely in love with him or obsessed. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish the reason. He also reminds me of my father, who died when I was 16 years old. My father was also (like my boyfriend) an alcoholic and drug addict, which probably adds some Electra Complex theories to my issue.

And, when it comes to how enmeshed I am in him, lets just say that since I started dating him, I lost a lucrative job, I pushed family and friends away (partly due to my lying about him and the fact that they know how much heartache he has put me through), started to become depressed, lost my motivation that I once had and basically sort of been losing my identity... .throug him.

These all should be some major red flags, and I'm aware of these signs, however, I still feel like I'll be worse without him. He's extremely manipulative. He constantly projects his weaknesses, anger and resentments towards me; he either loves me one day or hates me the next, and he's aware of my family's disapproval of him, yet he can never admit that they feel the way they do due to HIS OWN actions... .that's another thing he resents me for: the fact that he will never gain acceptance from my family.

[waverider]

.that's another thing he resents me for: the fact that he will never gain acceptance from my family.

Is this attitude towards him unique to your family, or do people in general struggle to accept him?

Sometimes a lifetime of being rejected by people increases the need to point at someone in particular as the chief or current culprit.

Does the fact that you have studied Psychology, have any link here? Refusal to admit you can "fix" this, or is your family background problems the reason you took an interest in Psychology.

Seeing red flags is one thing, acting on them is another. Getting out of default mode is difficult

[amja77]

Well, I've always been extremely analytical, however, ever since my father's passing 9 years ago, my interest in the human mind and abnormal psychology had increased.

And yes, my boyfriend has had issues in the past in regards to rejection. His parents were abusive, his father died of an overdose, his mother is currently still addicted to pills, he has a co-dependent relationship with his mother, and throughout the years, previous friends of his have left him because of either his lies, outbursts or addictions.

But, when it comes to my family, I feel that he is extremely resentful. I've had to keep our relationship a secret from them these past few months. They had tried to accept him, but they've seen and heard about everything he has put me through. They see his addictions, his anger, his abusive ways, and they don't want me to be with him (understandably). But, I can tell that he resents this fact. I'm sure it makes him feel like he's an embarassment (which he had mentioned before) and that he isn't "worth it." However, he refuses to take full responsibility for their opinions!

[amja77]

He even blames ME for the way they feel because I admitted I had told them some of the things he had put me through.

And, the worst part is, we literally have to "sneak" around my family... .they cannot know that we're together or else I'll lose them all.

[letmeout]

With your experience in Psychology, you know how to stop being co-dependent on your BPD boyfriend. Addiction to their drama has a life force of its own. When you have had enough, you will realize that you have wasted too much of your precious time on your disordered person. Just don't waste all of your time, or you might have trouble forgiving yourself.

[waverider]

However, he refuses to take full responsibility for their opinions!

Untill someone has the ability or confidence to modify their behavior it is hard for them to accept the responsibility. Taking responsibility with no means of rectifying the problem simply creates a feeling of hopelessness and despair, so the natural defense is to deny and project. Continuing the cycle.

I think you hiding the RS is probably leaving you with a sense of impotence and inability to own your own life by being true to yourself. That in itself probably creates resentment.

Working on yourself and what you really want for your future, and not pandering to others, whether your it be your partner or your family, might be a good area to focus on. I get the feeling you feel a little lost without a firm agenda. Almost stuck between a rock and a hard place.