Problem with big decisions

[empathic]

My uBPDw has a problem making decisions, about all different kinds of things. Big decisions even more so of course. She has this notion that everything must be perfect, or there is no point in doing it.

We're having a part of our house remodelled. We're working together with an architect. She has come up with a few ideas, and the latest one I think is really in the right direction of what me and my wife had talked about that we wanted. BUT something happens in my wife when it gets close to decision time. It's like she panics and suddenly needs to get everyones opinion. I don't know if it's because she's afraid of looking bad later on.

So now she's involved her brother (who most likely is NPD) and his wife. She's spent hours on the phone listening to their opinions on this. Friends, acquiantances. She listens to everyone. Except me of course, my opinion is not worth so much to her.

So now we're back to square one again, and I feel that my energy for the whole thing pretty much is lost. I understand that on an issue like this, there are compromises to be made. But the fun of things to me pretty much is lost when I am not listened to and the discussions are lost to dwelling on negativity. Anyone that can relate?

[waverider]

Pretty normal black and white thinking, which is them compounded by insecurity and a need for validation. Agreeing to disagree, or compromise is not in the vocabulary. The need for the "facade" being maintained to outsiders is more important to the one you get to see.

She can bully you to agree for peace sake, but that doesn't work with others, so the need to have their agreement is more important, they can walk away from it (abandonment) you can't so easily.

My partner has a different approach to decisions , but same result. It is impulsive definitely yes, then reversed definitely no, then yes, then no... then its too late. She cannot weigh up pros and cons simultaneously. Its all pro, or all con as each aspect occurs to her. Any attempt to balance it all up by me is just seen as being obstructive and controlling.

It does suck your enthusiasm though

[maxsterling]

Big decisions?  Heck, my dBPDgf can't handle any decisions on her own.  In 10 months of our relationship, she hasn't even ordered at a restaurant without first asking what I am going to get, and then asking me what I think she should get.  I remember once just walking into the door of the restaurant, and she asked me, "what are you going to get?"  I replied, "I have no idea, I haven't even seen the menu yet."

Come to think of it, I can't think of a single time in 10 months where she has made any kind of decision, big or small, about anything without calling me or asking me first.  She will ask, "should I go to the store today?"  "Should I buy these pants?"  "should I cook x or y?"

And yes, waverider, this sucks my enthusiasm.  It makes me not want to go anyplace or do anything with her because every decision will be on me.  The weird thing is, if I don't give my opinion, she will claim I am leaving all the decisions up to her!

[hergestridge]

My BPD wife can't handle big decisions.

Firstly, she can't make decisions on time. A deadline only makes her procrastinate. If she gets a generous offer, she'll negotiatie the terms, sometimes leaving people in awkward situations. She wants to make decisions on her conditions.

Second, she doesn't do the proper research or soul-searching. Decisions are taken based on what she feels in the moment (not surprising). When it's time to buy a new car she spends lots of time looking at cars we can't afford. When I suggest we sit down and look at what cars we can afford first she is upset with me. Even though we buy the best car we can afford she can blame me for years for making her buy a "___ car" (don't saying this outight, but cursing the car and insinuating it was my idea to buy it).

I used to "be in charge" when it came to family vacations and such, otherwise nothing happened. My wife would sit around at home until she just freaked out. She needed to get out. But I grew tired of it after many years. I couldn't take the sudden mood swings, the one or two-day sulks when we were supposed to have fun. She could start bhiting about my clothes, about me forcing her (!) going on a holiday she couldn't afford (even though she'd agreed to go just a few days earlier).

Last year I just decided to take NO decisions and let her sit around the house for the entire four weeks of our vacation. That made her so dysregulated she was considered for hospitalization. It's like she depens on me to run her life.

[waverider]

I think you have to simply take decisions for yourself, if you make them for your partner all the time they can either resent it or become totally dependent on you.

I also try to avoid arguing about issues that are unlikely to happen as in my case with the impulsive yes, no, yes, no process debating the first yes decison is pointless.

[empathic]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, the inability to make decisions on minor issues can also be very annoying. She's gone back to asking about those again. "How long do you think it will take to drive there" (when she's going on a 20 min drive) to name one. The more anxious she is, the more insecurity about these things.

Similar to this is that she always talks about what she's doing, "I need to find some clothes to wear", "I'm going to get some milk" without caring if someone listens or not. Serves some need for her, but it's a totally unnecessary distraction for me. Yes, I am weary even of these little things now.

[waverider]

Yes, I am weary even of these little things now.

Just try not to be tempted to make sarcastic responses, or it will trigger an escalation... .I struggle with that 

[empathic]

Just try not to be tempted to make sarcastic responses, or it will trigger an escalation... .I struggle with that 

No, I gave that up long ago. I'm not very good at sarcasm anyway. And she's not very good at understanding it, at least not when I did it.

I suppose that in a loving relationship there might be room for the occasional sarcastic remark, but where we're standing right now every small comment may trigger an argument. So I'm being very careful.

Come to think of it, it might be part of an even larger problem in that she's almost incapable of reading any signals that I send out. And it might of course be because I don't send out very strong signals. But thinking back over the years it has ranged for everything from whether I'm in the mood for romancing or what kind of food I like. She does not pick up the signals.

[maxen]

Just try not to be tempted to make sarcastic responses, or it will trigger an escalation... .I struggle with that 

as do i  :'(

[empathic]

An update on this. Now she wants to cancel the entire remodelling. She says "I feel completely overwhelmed and can't fix the drawings all by myself. I am totally overworked".

Wait a second, I thought we got an architect so we wouldn't have to do it all by ourselves?

But I realize it all follows a pattern I've seen before. She's drowning her ability to get things done in her negativity. By involving her brother in this, it was also destined to fail. Whatever we would do now, it would never be "perfect" and thus not worth anything.

I envy people in marriages where you look at projects like these in a positive manner and look at the possibilities it would bring in the future. That must be great.