Driving issues

[Parents! Get help here!]

My husband and I have serious concerns about my BPD stepdaughter (his daughter), I will call her C., and driving.  She is 16 years old and has her learners permit.  We allowed her to get it based on the contingency that it was NOT a guarantee that she would be allowed to drive, but would be a starting place on the road to getting her license.  She as told that her being allowed to drive would be based on when we felt that she was emotionally ready to handle the stresses of driving as well as being based on her grades and her behavior. We were hoping that letting her take that step would give her some incentive to work on improving herself, but that has not been the case; we are still dealing with a slew of BPD issues on a regular basis. My husband took her out driving one time and it was abundantly clear that she is not ready to handle the stresses of driving nor is she capable of following instruction behind the wheel. To make matters worse, my son, who I will call M, is 15 and also has his permit.  He is nBPD and is very responsible and we have no problem with putting him behind the wheel. I feel that we have not given him ample time to practice simply because C will raise such chaos when he gets to drive and she does not.  It is not fair to him.   I know that we have to sit C down and have a conversation with her that she is not ready to drive yet, but I just don't even know where to begin.  I know that the conversation will instantly disolve into her proclaiming favoritism and will put her into "shut-down" mode (or worse yet, explosive temper tantrums). Has anyone else dealt with similar issues with their BPD child and driving? I know that it is something that she really wants to do, but we are certain that she is just not ready for such a big responsibility at this point in her life.

[javieira]

My husband and I have serious concerns about my BPD stepdaughter (his daughter), I will call her C., and driving.  She is 16 years old and has her learners permit.  We allowed her to get it based on the contingency that it was NOT a guarantee that she would be allowed to drive, but would be a starting place on the road to getting her license.  She as told that her being allowed to drive would be based on when we felt that she was emotionally ready to handle the stresses of driving as well as being based on her grades and her behavior. We were hoping that letting her take that step would give her some incentive to work on improving herself, but that has not been the case; we are still dealing with a slew of BPD issues on a regular basis. My husband took her out driving one time and it was abundantly clear that she is not ready to handle the stresses of driving nor is she capable of following instruction behind the wheel. To make matters worse, my son, who I will call M, is 15 and also has his permit.  He is nBPD and is very responsible and we have no problem with putting him behind the wheel. I feel that we have not given him ample time to practice simply because C will raise such chaos when he gets to drive and she does not.  It is not fair to him.   I know that we have to sit C down and have a conversation with her that she is not ready to drive yet, but I just don't even know where to begin.  I know that the conversation will instantly disolve into her proclaiming favoritism and will put her into "shut-down" mode (or worse yet, explosive temper tantrums). Has anyone else dealt with similar issues with their BPD child and driving? I know that it is something that she really wants to do, but we are certain that she is just not ready for such a big responsibility at this point in her life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I had the same issue with my dd16... .I really doubted she would get her license but she did and I think it did a lot for her self confidence too.

I had my daughter go to a driving school to teach her... .there was way too much conflict for me to do it solely. When we did drive together I tried to pick places at first that were isolated... .out in the country and that was a good start but there were plenty of times she would not listen to me and our lessen ended. Sometimes she wouldn't drive for weeks and other times she drove everyday. We had ups and downs but we got through it okay. She now drives herself to therapy and it is on a busy hwy. Parallel parking was the hardest thing to master but in time she did it. Just give your C the time and she will learn... .it might take more time but I am sure she can do it.

My dd has rules about where she can go etc and she will behave better if there is a risk to taking her car away which we have had to do serveral times. In the end it gave her a sense of accomplishment and that is not something she gets a lot of so I think it is worth the try. Is there anyone else that can teach her other than yourself or your husband? That will help to take out the conflict... .find a friend or neighbor willing to take her out and give her a chance to succeed.

[femom]

My daughter still has her permit and has failed her driving test three times.  I am somewhat relieved each time that she fails to pass the test even though the experience sends her in to a tailspin.  My son is 16 and will be getting his permit soon and I don't believe he will have any problem passing the test.  I am not looking forward to the day when he gets his license and she does not yet have hers.  On the other hand, I feel somewhat lucky that she doesn't have her license because we avoid fights about whether she is fit to drive.

[mary93]

I do not know how it works everywhere else, but I have heard here where we live from the therapist that several families have gotten into very serious financial trouble by letting their BPD children drive the parents cars or buying the kids a car. Once it is diagnosed there is a paper trail and the parents if they knowingly let their kids drive the car and god forbids they would go into one of their rages or something else and do damage to other cars or even worse other people, the parents can be held responsible. We all know that insurance companies are very quick to take our money, but when it comes to  payout will look for any reason to not have to do so. Imagine if the child hits and accidentally kills someone or leaves them totally paralyzed, this could result in the parents being financially wiped out. The psychologist I am speaking of knows personally of several families that have been affected by this. I haven't looked into the legality of it, but to me it makes total sense, so, NO, my daughter will not be driving MY car, I refuse to assume that responsibility, as much as I will do anything for her, I refuse to be held accountable for anything she might do to others with my car. We have here in Quebec a gov plan for any personal injuries arising from automobile accidents, so I would have to fight the government, thanks but no thanks, I'll pass on that  

[javieira]

We have an 18YO daughter that we went through driver's ed with and we know that it takes time to master handling a car and learn the rules of the road. I know that C could be taught how to drive over time (even how to parallel park   ), but we are certain that the time to do that is not now. She is an intelligent girl, but her maturity is about on par with that of a 12 or 13 year old... .with BPD.  I really wish that we hadn't let her get her permit, but you know what they say about hindsight.

[jellibeans]

I realize that not all pwBPD are recreated equally and there are some that will never be ready to drive. A common trait is immaturity... .my dd16 acts more like a two year old at times. I just wanted to say that getting her license really made a huge impact on her. She has lost this priviledge several times because she could not or would not follow the rules set down but she earned the priviledge back.

What I have been doing more and more with my dd16 is stepping back and letting her fail or succeed. Natural consequences... .less my punishments imposed. If she decided to skip school (which she has done a couple of times) then the school is informed of her truancy. If she has too many absences then she will have to write exams or go to summer school.

I think the more you can reduce the need to control everything about your child's life and let the natural consequences unfold the better.

Now driving a car does have a certain level of risk and I can understand how some kids are not ready but I would think if you were right beside them teaching them the risk would be reduces or better yet if a driving school takes on the risk then she/he has the opportunity to succeeed. Maybe it will take years for her to get her license but if you don't try you will never know.