I'm struggling from the damage of the past few months. He wants it to be OK.

[wishfulthinking]

I find after the 2 arrests my uBPDh had a week and a half ago that he is on very extremely good behavior.  He is (supposedly) trying to make changes in himself for the better.  I, on the other hand, am struggling.  I find I am feeling the stress more than ever from everything. From being screamed at, from being told I don't love him, from being criticized and corrected all the time, from the few times of physical abuse, from all the car problems we have going on right now, from being the sole provider for 7+ months and now struggling with money when I wasn't before, to not having money for Christmas now because of him, from the threat of my D9 being taken, from his pill use (which he says he is trying to do better and IF he is being honest, then he is doing better and I'm proud of him for that), his lying due to the pill use has caused trust issues.  He says he is starting over and the past is past now and we need to move forward and he is changing and won't do those things anymore... .BUT I'm still having the human response of WE WILL SEE... .and BUT YOU'VE SAID THIS STUFF BEFORE... .and EXPERIENCE HAS SHOWN ME... .but he says that's not fair and I shouldn't base his actions NOW on those in the past.

I find I'm not receptive, not happy, not overly chatty, and calling him out on everything.  We argued last night because I had to go out of town for work and a dating site popup came up on the computer for the town I was going and he now thinks I was meeting someone there instead of working.  I was furious he would even think that of me, he was the cheater in his past, not me.  I can see how he would have that cross his mind considering the coincidence, but I swear that's all it was.  Now, he's on me about how I never show love and I'm not showing him lately when he's trying so hard.  I'm mad that he's accusing me (which is not the first time he has and I'm tired of it) and I'm telling him how he never cares about my feelngs and I don't matter anyway and every time he criticized me last night I called him on it and told him I'll never be who he wants and I guess it's just another thing I did wrong in his eyes.  I'm tired of him being on me because he's offended over my being alive and I'm telling him every time he gets on me.  He says he's not getting on me, he just wants me to change these things... .soo... .I have to change who I am to make you happy even though I was good enough before you married me and no one else hates me?  I told him I don't think I'm the one for him and that just makes him furious.

How do I either break out of my feelings of hopelesness or get him to see how he is on me all the time and maybe he will either stop or leave.  Furthernmore,  he says his physical abuse wasn't assault and he only grabbed me, he must be halucinating because being held down and him ripping off my shirt and slamming me against a wall and the floor isn't only grabbing, so in his mind, this court and potential jail is partly my fault. I never argued or was sarcastic during these fights and they were the worse ones.  I have bruises still... .

[Surnia]

Hi wishfulthinking

I hear you. Let me word it: You are stressed about everything. You are struggling with money, there is not enough for x-mas. You are deeply worried about loosing your daughter. You feel hopeless and you have still bruises from his last attacks.

I really want support you, wft. I feel for you, your life is so difficult and even dangerous and seems really hopeless. And I am deeply worried you will loose your daughter.

[wishfulthinking]

I'm trying very hard to start fresh with him, but last night he was dysregulated and yesterday because he thinks I don't love him.  I never show him love, he initiates everything, etc.  He only got loud about it once and then calmed down.  He is trying... .for now.  I'm still having a hard time snapping out of it.  I'm forcing myself to at least act like I'm trying as maybe I can fake it till I make it.  My ex is calming down some on the custody thing.  Both cars still are not right and we are supposed to have a winter storm tomorrow and because I live in town, I'm expected to get to work.  My 4X4 is broken and my car is not good in the snow.  I can't afford gas until I get paid in 12 more days and my gas light is on. But, I'm supposed to give it to God and expect a sudden rush of money?  That what he thinks.  Life doesn't work that way for me.

[Surnia]

Life doesn't work like this for anybody.

I don't get it with fake it until you make it. Do you think if you would show him enough love, he would stop with his drugs and going for work?

Is he looking for a job?

[wishfulthinking]

He owns his business so basically is always looking for work.  But his phone is shut off for non-pay so no one can call him to do jobs.  It's been shut off for almost 2 months.  He is doing a job right now, but the money from it he makes has to go to supplies for his next job because he spent what they gave him already.

[Surnia]

Looks like his business is not very successful and he would not be able to have an outcome without you?

[Meli04]

You sound like me two months ago... .it's like reading my own story. First, let me tell you, you can't "start fresh" with a BPD. I tried starting fresh for 3 years and was disappointed EVERY SINGLE TIME. Promises of change, being better, they are only in the moment feelings triggered by their fear of abandonment. They are incapable of change or adhering to any promises that they make, especially when they are deregulated. They say whatever they need to say to save themselves. Stop beating yourself up. You are having NORMAL reactions to this man's behavior. Save yourself and get out if you can. Then end of my relationship was a physical scene much like the one you described that took place 3 days after promises of change and crying fits about how sorry he is and how lucky he is to have me. AS difficult as it is, leaving is the best thing for you or anyone else in this situation... if for nothing else but the physical abuse alone! Your life is worth so much more than dealing with an individual that will have you jumping through the same hoops for as long as you stay with them.

[wishfulthinking]

He gets money and spends it away and I have to make up for it because I make sure my bills get paid.  I had to quit paying his phone bill and his truck payment and those haven't been paid in 3 months and 7 months respectively.  His truck is up for repo and his phone is shut off and he needs 260 before the 14th or he loses his number that has been his business number for years.  We just got back from his lawyer who wants a 2500 retainer to help him with the charges from the police being called twice.  On the way there, he was reading over one of the reports and said he never grabbed my leg and pulled me.  I said yes you did, you grabbed me and pulled me onto the floor because I was trying to get away from you.  Then he said he never threatened to punch me and I said yes you did, you said some really scary things.  He said he didn't say anything threatening and I quoted him "If you leave here it's going to be on a stretcher". He said he never said that... .Umm YES YOU DID!  How can he just FORGET this stuff and downplay how he was that night.  He remembers everything else that happens and if I say something mean to him he remembers every word!  He certainly likes to bring up the fact that I grabbed a knife from the drawer on the first fight... .Ummm yeah... .because you were coming after me and I WAS SCARED!  I held it up and said YOU NEED TO GO NOW and then put it right back when he stopped and said... .oh, you would really do that?  I said  GO NOW, you need to leave now. How can he twist stuff so much?  Oh, slamming me against the wall and ripping my shirt off wasn't a big deal?  The cops shouldn't have been called over that?  Now I'm just venting, sorry... .

[Surnia]

Wishfulthinking,

So you are able to earn your livings for yourself and your daughter. You know what the expenses are and what bills to pay. This is not self-evident. Its 

He is not able to do so. And worse, he is drawing you more and more in debts. Do you see what I mean?

About the arguments regarding his violence: I would not continue to argue about this. Do you know this workshop? How to stop circular arguments .

[wishfulthinking]

I have read them and I'm very careful not to JADE and to try to validate as much as possible.  I'm just in awe of how he can forget some of the worst things he's done and I'm supposed to function like they never happened because in his mind they didn't?  He caught me off guard because he's starting to shift from taking responsibility for his actions to blaming me for his actions being the way he was.  When reading the police report, he is straight up telling me I lied because he never did that stuff... .He did that and WORSE!  I'm not sure I can take this.  As much as I love him, I'm not sure I can just bow my head and ignore the fact that he is twisting this around on me.  I know I can't talk to him about this... .

[zasspa]

I could have written this post myself. I am in the exact same place as you, my gf wants to move on from a horrific few days that we just went though and I just cannot. I'm also calling her out on everything, I cant help it. But you know what I have realized. Its ok to not be able to move past it. Your husband hurt you very badly and its perfectly normal and ok to not be able to just forget about it. My gf is also a master of forgetting things, or twisting things or downright making things up- anything to make herself seem less culpable or me more culpable. I know how frustrating and confusing it is. It literally makes me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because she stands before me insisting that something didn't happen when I know full well it did. I am baffled by it as well.

I don't really have any advice for you. As I said, I'm in the exact same place as you. But I just wanted to let you know that if nothing else I know exactly how you feel!

[Jbt857]

Hey Wishful,

Just a question/observation. Does he use your computer? Because popups and ads are usually targeted based on your browsing history, unless you have switched that function off.

It may be totally unrelated or innocent, or maybe he's putting that on you to deflect something he's been doing... .

Just putting that out there 

[Surnia]

Not to go in arguments about things you see completely different than someone else is very difficult. 

He caught me off guard because he's starting to shift from taking responsibility for his actions to blaming me for his actions being the way he was.

This is really hard. And it shows how he is dealing with things, it shows how he is. He will not change this. It will happen again and he will blame you. Its a toxic circle you are in.

As much as I love him, I'm not sure I can just bow my head and ignore the fact that he is twisting this around on me.

No, bowing your head on it is not a good strategy. Not to go in arguments does not mean you should accept his view. Its more about "Actions speaks louder than words."

[wishfulthinking]

Surnia,

On your actions speak louder than words, I completely agree.  Though when he uses words to twist the facts or deny them outright (when he was seriously out of line with the things he is denying and those are the things I'm having trouble working through) I can't help but feel... .invalidated? myself.  I'm not even asking him to relive it all or make him feel bad for what he's done, but if when it's brought up, the story continues to switch more and more, it'll eventually turn into that I'm the one that assaulted him!  Yeah, I was trying to get away once and ended up barely hitting him in the face (with my fingertips from trying to break free and get around him to get out of the kitchen), you'd think I punched him full force the way he acts about it... .

I'm having a hard time allowing his thoughts to go this way because what I went through was pretty major to ME.  Maybe he doesn't care or he wants to play it down, but to me it was very damaging. He even asked me if this past few months had damaged me to the point that I can't love him like I used to and I couldn't honestly answer his question without hurting him.  I just said I don't know... .a few nights later I told him I think I am too damaged and I don't know what to do.  He was hurt, but didn't freak out like I thought he would.

Jbt857, He's pretty computer illiterate.  He has a hard time with technology which frustrates him because he thinks everyone is out to get him and hide things through phones and computers.  NOW, he does get on it sometimes and check simple stuff like design ideas through Yahoo and stuff... .but that's about it that I know of.  The pop up keeps coming up for Match.com and it has all the stuff prefilled and I don't know why it chose the town it did.  It's still just an ad and I was at work and there is nothing I'm hiding and I can prove where I was and when.  He seems to be moving past this, but it's still offensive to me that he accuses me off and on because it's not my past filled with cheating, it's his.

zasspa, thank you, I'm sorry you are having a hard time, too.  Though it's nice to know we are not alone, I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone. How does your BPD react when you call her out?

Last night he was acting off, not in a bad way, but too giggly like some drunk people act, but he doesn't act like that when he's drunk, only 1 other time he acted like that and he had gone out with one of his bad influence friends.  I asked what he was on to change his personality to this and he refused to answer.  Said there is nothing bad about how he's acting.  I said no, nothing bad, but it's different and I have a right to know because when you act different it scares me and we are supposed to have honesty.  He says all he had was a travel bottle of whiskey, and the rest was his mindset... .I don't believe that. AT ALL.