What is the answer

[pamelabud]

Hi, Im new to this board, and right now I have a question, how can I help my adult daughter accept the fact that she has BPD, she says there is nothing wrong with her, except her family, but she has a long history of mental disorder, its goes far back into my husbands family, and she will accept no diagnosis at all, and I really think if she could get to that point and would accept help she might be able to cope better in her life... and relationships with the family.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

   Pamelabud.  I am glad you have found us.  I hope this site can help you as it has helped me.

One thing I learned is that you can learn to take care of yourself, to understand BPD and to respond in ways that will keep you strong, and safe with respectful and appropriate boundaries.

In my case, my dd does not know she has BPD.  She split from counseling before her counselor could approach the diagnosis with her.  For her and me, it is advised I don't tell her.   It would be a reason for anger and attack.  The best I can do is radial acceptance for her, boundaries for me, be truthful and  try (when I can) to mention therapy as a response to situations not to her; such as "You keep saying you don't have any real friends. Sometimes seeing a counselor can help people look at those concerns in different ways."

You will learn all our situations are the same and different. 

Keep coming back.   

[Bracken]

Hi

My D26 has never been diagnosed as BPD - but she is a classic extreme case - and I figured that out about 3 or 4 years ago. I did try once or twice to bring up the subject with her - and she instantly shot me down. And yes, the same thing that you get: the real problem is just her family (especially ME the mother).

But she has this boyfriend now - whom she met during her summer job in another city. So now that she had to return to her university here, it is a long distance relationship. And it's VERY stormy. They break up 2-3 times a week - constant drama. But he is in many ways a great young guy. Anway, he somehow went on the Internet with her, at the end of the summer, and TOGETHER they figured out that she is BPD. And he said that he wouldn't stay with her unless she got counselling, and unless she "got better". So that was a turning point - to have her say "I think I have BPD". She even found a support group to go to for a few weeks, which was very helpful. But - just when things are getting so much better - she backslides! The last two weeks have been horrible - mostly due to the end of semester assignments and exams. 

I have been reading here in this Forum that sometimes it's better for BPD kids NOT to know. In our case, I think it has been positive for our D. Although, she does use it as another excuse to sometimes to be extremely negative: "I'm a F ---ing BPD. So there's no hope for me!" But then, if it isn't going to be THAT excuse, it will be another one! She is just so EXTREMELY negative much of the time --.

Don't know it that helps you. I feel that a lot of us are just kind of groping in the dark here. Anyway - I send you lots of empathy and best wishes 

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi pamelabud,

  It is really hard to get someone to accept that something is wrong with them when all they see is that there is something wrong with everyone else in the world.  I think it's important to understand that whether she is getting help or not that we all have to learn new skills to help accommodate areas in which our BPDs need help. 

We have an interesting workshop that may give you some thought.

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

-crazed