Need some input

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello!

To begin with: I'm not new to BPD, I discovered this board 6 years ago and found a lot of useful information here, as well as a very supportive community, which helped me through some difficult times with my unBPD wife (gf by then).

I experienced some improvement in the last 2 years, the fights get less frequent, mutual understanding and empathy seemed possible- I felt quite happy or at least connected back to the feelings I had for her in the beginning. I had to change some behaviors myself as we'll, but I believe that my wife tried to make things work too.

We are married since 2010 but in a rs for 8 years.

Unfortunately we seem to enter a bad period by now. I would be very glad to read some feedback from you all, because I'm not sure what to make if the recent events.

Two weeks ago we had our first serious argument since maybe a year. In the first place I believed that the reason why it occurred now was my attempt to get my wife to discuss our future plans although I knew that the timing was not ideal at say the least...

But I felt that I kinda had to address the issues. The main topic our mutual wish to become parents. Although I know that pwBPD can cause a lot more damage when they are responsible for children, I still believe my wife could become a wonderful mother. This wish is threatened by two factors- her age (she will turn 39 in two weeks) and her accomplishing her studies at the Uni. She is late with her studies but passing the exams would make it possible for her to start working as a teacher at once. Because of some difficulties my wife discussed with me the prospect of delaying the last two exams till next November (almost a year).

At this point I couldn't force myself to ignore it. I asked as calm and politely as I could what this would mean in regards to children. I was painted black for bringing up this subject, but to be honest I was not surprised... .I just had to ask this question bc my wife chose to avoid this topic, our sex-life is almost nonexistent and I become more and more depressed bc I lack any prospects for the future regarding such an important area.

The fact that we have sex maybe once a year the last two years is the least important issue in my eyes, because I can understand that the last two years were really very difficult to her, as she went through the process of taking maybe 15 exams. I was there for her / with her and it was in fact living hell for her.

I supported her the best I could, it took a toll on me (health) as well. I experienced a lot of help and empathy from her as well- I never thought she could be so consistent at all.

But now I had the feeling I had to speak up. Money is btw not an obstacle to becoming parents - not in the meaning of having problems. We are supported by our family - bc I am just at the beginning of my academical career (starting teaching at an university etc)

If my wife was ten years younger, I wouldn't insist on becoming parents by now, I'm just afraid it could be too late soon...

What kinda adds to the situation is the fact that her twin-sister became mother one year ago. By then my wife told me, as well as my mother that we would be the next. Nothing happened since then which would give me the impression that this is our mutual wish.

After the dust settled (2 or 3 days) we returned to the normal state- as ever: she did not apologize for the things she said, I apologized only on the first day, bc I realized that I can't do anything. We had maybe 4 normal days, I tried to act as ever, although she said some really hurtful things during the argument.

Today happened something I can't wrap my head around. We are expecting really bad weather where we live for Thursday (the day after tomorrow). My wife planed to visit her sil and her my mil on Thursday. She would have to drive about 30 km (both ways). I told her about the storm coming and suggested she should go tomorrow (Wednesday) there. My wife was upset and tried to convince me that there's is always some risk etc etc I stayed firm and stressed the danger. Ok, suddenly she got really upset, turned on the tv and was about to start her silent treatment once more, as I still tried to learn from her why she was mad at me, she told me that I apparently had no interest to go with her tomorrow to the Christmas Market as we planned. To be honest, I was just thinking of Thursday and the storm, I told her that we could do both - visit her family and go on our "date". I apologized maybe 6 times since then, she believes I forgot at all about it, which is not true as I really thought 2 times of it during the day. Just when I read about the storm, I only concentrated on it.

She cries a lot, said she would never go there with me. I ended feeling very guilty and somehow crazy. I don't know what to make of it, she is very combative, sad, gives me the silent treatment and suddenly I recalled- I have seen this movie before... .

So, here I am- would be very happy to read some input.

Slonzok

[Slonzok]

Hello!

To begin with: I'm not new to BPD, I discovered this board 6 years ago and found a lot of useful information here, as well as a very supportive community, which helped me through some difficult times with my unBPD wife (gf by then).

I experienced some improvement in the last 2 years, the fights get less frequent, mutual understanding and empathy seemed possible- I felt quite happy or at least connected back to the feelings I had for her in the beginning. I had to change some behaviors myself as we'll, but I believe that my wife tried to make things work too.

We are married since 2010 but in a rs for 8 years.

Unfortunately we seem to enter a bad period by now. I would be very glad to read some feedback from you all, because I'm not sure what to make if the recent events.

Two weeks ago we had our first serious argument since maybe a year. In the first place I believed that the reason why it occurred now was my attempt to get my wife to discuss our future plans although I knew that the timing was not ideal at say the least...

But I felt that I kinda had to address the issues. The main topic our mutual wish to become parents. Although I know that pwBPD can cause a lot more damage when they are responsible for children, I still believe my wife could become a wonderful mother. This wish is threatened by two factors- her age (she will turn 39 in two weeks) and her accomplishing her studies at the Uni. She is late with her studies but passing the exams would make it possible for her to start working as a teacher at once. Because of some difficulties my wife discussed with me the prospect of delaying the last two exams till next November (almost a year).

At this point I couldn't force myself to ignore it. I asked as calm and politely as I could what this would mean in regards to children. I was painted black for bringing up this subject, but to be honest I was not surprised... .I just had to ask this question bc my wife chose to avoid this topic, our sex-life is almost nonexistent and I become more and more depressed bc I lack any prospects for the future regarding such an important area.

The fact that we have sex maybe once a year the last two years is the least important issue in my eyes, because I can understand that the last two years were really very difficult to her, as she went through the process of taking maybe 15 exams. I was there for her / with her and it was in fact living hell for her.

I supported her the best I could, it took a toll on me (health) as well. I experienced a lot of help and empathy from her as well- I never thought she could be so consistent at all.

But now I had the feeling I had to speak up. Money is btw not an obstacle to becoming parents - not in the meaning of having problems. We are supported by our family - bc I am just at the beginning of my academical career (starting teaching at an university etc)

If my wife was ten years younger, I wouldn't insist on becoming parents by now, I'm just afraid it could be too late soon...

What kinda adds to the situation is the fact that her twin-sister became mother one year ago. By then my wife told me, as well as my mother that we would be the next. Nothing happened since then which would give me the impression that this is our mutual wish.

After the dust settled (2 or 3 days) we returned to the normal state- as ever: she did not apologize for the things she said, I apologized only on the first day, bc I realized that I can't do anything. We had maybe 4 normal days, I tried to act as ever, although she said some really hurtful things during the argument.

Today happened something I can't wrap my head around. We are expecting really bad weather where we live for Thursday (the day after tomorrow). My wife planed to visit her sil and her my mil on Thursday. She would have to drive about 30 km (both ways). I told her about the storm coming and suggested she should go tomorrow (Wednesday) there. My wife was upset and tried to convince me that there's is always some risk etc etc I stayed firm and stressed the danger. Ok, suddenly she got really upset, turned on the tv and was about to start her silent treatment once more, as I still tried to learn from her why she was mad at me, she told me that I apparently had no interest to go with her tomorrow to the Christmas Market as we planned. To be honest, I was just thinking of Thursday and the storm, I told her that we could do both - visit her family and go on our "date". I apologized maybe 6 times since then, she believes I forgot at all about it, which is not true as I really thought 2 times of it during the day. Just when I read about the storm, I only concentrated on it.

She cries a lot, said she would never go there with me. I ended feeling very guilty and somehow crazy. I don't know what to make of it, she is very combative, sad, gives me the silent treatment and suddenly I recalled- I have seen this movie before... .

So, here I am- would be very happy to read some input.

Slonzok

[living in the past]

 Hi, glad you are back here, it seems to help me, yesterday i called BPD friend who was been ignoring me since i took her to the hospital three weeks ago, i was her friend then, now she has new friend and the phone calls i make, get cut short, two minutes, very painfull,, why she is my friend is another question, hoping by replying here it counts as feedback,of how i am trying to deal with it,so today i managed to get going which is good, all my searches for answers have been telling me to let go,or let go and let God,but i guess you know how hard that is, but i have no choice, God is telling me this friendship is over, i am going to let you off easy, ( married man single female friend) i read a story here, a man left his wife for a pwBPD, which didn"t work out,                                                       Its  still hard it seems a lot of us here become very attached to pwBPD, for me  i can"t explain it,i just got to try to believe what they say here that if i limit contact or no contact i will start to heal and get out of the fog and see things different,so today i will start that process for my own sanity,one day at a time and today is that day.So what i am trying to say to both of us today is not the day to discuss parenthood,or for me to call friend and think i can be her friend,hope this helps it helps me writing it, and for today i will try to let it go,thanks for posting

[Slonzok]

Hello Gregory !

Thx for your post- I think I know what you mean.

I have written about the planned parenthood to describe what the general situation is like and what problems we face.

The more urgent - so to speak- situation is this, from my point of view irrational fight, which started yesterday.

I tried to express my concerns about the storm coming and ended feeling stupid, bad, egoistic etc  I feel pretty bad today- maybe 2 hours of sleep, really stressful day at work- we prepare a literary critics soirée at the university, plenty of work, emails to be written etc but my head feels numb, empty. I didn't experience the state of mind for maybe 2 years.

I keep asking myself why the situation get out of control within maybe two minutes... .

Is she allowing herself to act like this bc she knows she will need my help now less than in the past  24 month ? I simply feel like I had the flu - all of a sudden, I'm back alone... .

Slonzok