Need Advice re: Custody & Cohabitating

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am currently working on removing myself from a R/S with an uBPD. We have been together for over 7 yrs (never married) and have three small children together.

I have been consistent and firm in that I want him to move out, but I am legally stuck with him until June due to our current lease, so therefore he refuses - sometimes he will agree to move out after the holidays, but I have little confidence in anything that he says as the follow through is generally lacking.  I have resigned myself into the fact that I will have to live with him until June when the lease expires.  Any thoughts, short of restraining order, to get him out? 

Now the next issue is the children... .in one breath he will be reasonable when it comes to the kids and agrees that we need to write up a parenting plan -- but he wants it OUTSIDE of the court, which I disagree with, because I need to have the confidence that we have a legally binding agreement. In the next, he starts in on the gaslighting and saying that he doesn't know if he can trust ME with the kids. It's getting scary and I feel like I need to take swift and immediate action here.

I'm trying to plot my course carefully to minimize the disruption to the kids & to keep things as amicable as possible, so any guidance or advice would be most appreciated.  TIA!

[LetMEgoPLS]

I am currently working on removing myself from a R/S with an uBPD. We have been together for over 7 yrs (never married) and have three small children together.

I have been consistent and firm in that I want him to move out, but I am legally stuck with him until June due to our current lease, so therefore he refuses - sometimes he will agree to move out after the holidays, but I have little confidence in anything that he says as the follow through is generally lacking.  I have resigned myself into the fact that I will have to live with him until June when the lease expires.  Any thoughts, short of restraining order, to get him out? 

Now the next issue is the children... .in one breath he will be reasonable when it comes to the kids and agrees that we need to write up a parenting plan -- but he wants it OUTSIDE of the court, which I disagree with, because I need to have the confidence that we have a legally binding agreement. In the next, he starts in on the gaslighting and saying that he doesn't know if he can trust ME with the kids. It's getting scary and I feel like I need to take swift and immediate action here.

I'm trying to plot my course carefully to minimize the disruption to the kids & to keep things as amicable as possible, so any guidance or advice would be most appreciated.  TIA!

[ForeverDad]

You're stuck not knowing what to do.  Sadly, inaction is an option and it hasn't worked for you.  You need specific information and with that you will be able to make more informed and more confident decisions.  You need to see what your options are in your state and county, so get a few free or inexpensive legal consultations.  Compare what each lawyer advises to unwind the relationship.  Do so confidentially, you have a right to privately seek legal advice for yourself without his prying and blaming.  Even if you're not married, you may have a process where the relationship can be considered ended and you can seek official 'residence' of your leased home sooner than next summer.

And you're right, a court order specifying custody and parenting schedule details is the only agreement he can't toss in the trash whenever he feels like it.  Getting there may take a while, how long depends on the extent of his reactions and overreactions.

[livednlearned]

It's a really, really good idea to get a confidential free consultation with a lawyer (sometimes they'll charge $50 or $100 for 30 minutes depending on where you live). Start a thread here to see what kinds of questions other members recommend taking with you to the meeting so you make the most of your time. There's a lot of good, collective experience here.

I consulted with my L a year before I left and put together a rock-solid plan to get out of my situation, and every step of the way I somehow managed to be ahead of the wave.

We all want to handle things outside of court initially -- it's cheaper! But there are very clear boundaries where you need legal documentation so your kids, and you, are protected. If you can negotiate with your stbx now about what you want in the parenting plan, if he has moments where he can work with you on this, that will give you a sense of what he sees as fair. It won't be binding, but you'll learn a lot.

In general, though, prepare yourself for getting legal involved. Have you read Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy? Excellent resource. That, and his other book, Don't Alienate the Kids. Both were really helpful to me. As the stable parent, your kids will be looking to you for a role model in how to deal with high conflict, and the latter book is really helpful explaining how to do that. Gave me incredible stability at a time when there wasn't much.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.