What is scaring me about DD current sense of confidence?

[qcarolr]

DD seems to have shifted up into a place of confidence. How much of this is real to her, and how much is a face she is wearing to help herself feel better? Do I want her to feel bad so she will comply with her probation program requirements?

She is struggling to make it to her appointments - both with PO and with T. THe T has already started threatening to 'not see you' because she has missed 2 appointments and does not share any relevant needs or issues. DD says she always ask her what she needs and DD says "I don't know". DD believes the T needs to help her figure out what her needs are. Yet I perceive that DD is getting her emotional needs met with friends visiting her motel, so she is no longer open or vulnerable enough to share her private pain with the professionals - that are strangers.

Why don't the professionals get this?

DD has a place to stay, adequate food and clothing, and she can walk to where she needs to get food or the bus. (about a mile walk to anywhere from motel at the far edge of town) She has her exbf/guardian guy to be her life coach for now. (She actually thanked me yesterday for putting her out homeless 4 years ago - this is when she met him. Says he teaches her a lot. This is the first homeless bf - there have been 2 others in between that are gone now. One in prison for assualting DD in 2011 - she really pushed him over the edge. Other went east to live with his mom - he charged DD with harassment all this summer to avoid getting pushed over the edge and ending up in prison like the his friend from 2011. It is all so convoluted - thay are all so messed up with mental illness and drugs)

My interpretation: her current mental state is she feels a sense of power - her friends know she has what they need (inside place to be during the day with bathroom and fridge/microwave 'kitchen' as most are homeless - it is hovering around zero degrees today). They are being kind and supportive of her. (hope the motel management tolerates this traffic in her room - it was brought up as a problem last month)

This is the pattern of her life in getting professional care - the window of vulnerability to her immense pain is short. She is skilled at boxing it up and putting in the far reaches of her mind/heart/body. She is living in her masquerade mode for now. She is fun, creative, laughing -- I am drawn to join her for some pure 'hanging out'.

Feeling drawn to share her joyfulness feels inappropriate for me. I am the mom - the enforcer of rules. It is not intended for me to have this fun. What an old poop I am. And so I am feeling irritable and angry. ANGRY. ANGRY  Like the song says - I just want to have fun!    OK, so this is what I am working on with my T. My belief that I am to carry only this sense of responsibility and having fun will detract from my purpose. YIKES. I want to put this all back into my own box in the far reaches of my body. OK, can't do that. Have to keep working it out. Feel hints of risk to want to just check out on my life today - it is too sad. Especially when DD is having so much fun. What the heck is wrong with me.

I put in call to my T for support in sorting this out a bit today. Think I will go soothe in a hot shower. Then shift into grandma mode for journey to gd's T this afternoon. Going to skip out on the time I should be logging into work today. Will do that tomorrow.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi qcarolr,

I just want to be sure I have this right.  Your DD is in a safe place.   She's getting to a point where she doesn't care because she feels a bit invulnerable in her current situation, which leads to trouble for her.  She is struggling with appointments probably because she feels she has life by the horns right now. 

I imagine you must be scared and waiting for the crash which seems inevitable unless your daughter gets serious.  My dd also has friends who I think will only keep her down.  We've been talking with her about which direction she wants her life to go and what she wants for herself.  We mention, casually mind you, that the people and things you surround yourself with determine who you are and where you're going.  It would be very hard to move on from being homeless or a step from it if you surround yourself with friends that are homeless.  Don't you wish you could say that to dd and have her reply... .oh thank you mother dearest.  You are so smart and wise!  I will surround myself with college graduates. And then go out and do it.  Hey, a mom can dream right?

Fun - Why the heck not?  Your heart breaks when her heart breaks.  You worry yourself sick and do everything possible to help her when she can't help herself.  Give yourself a break!  She's being fun and a joy to be around.  ENJOY IT!

-crazed

[swampped]

Dear qcr:  Your mention of "wanting to check out" raised a bunch of   in me.  Please take care of yourself!  Are your meds okay?  Are you sleeping at all?  Are you getting out of the house into some light?  (Hard to do in your snowy part of the world, I know)    If dd is doing okay, it would seem to me to try to focus on YOU for a change, and use this breather time to recharge your batteries.  Worrying about the next shoe falling is, as we all know, counterproductive, and a waste of your precious energy.  I hope you were able to reach your

T today, and also hope that you were able to share some of this with gd's T.  Please know that you and your dd, your gd and your dh are in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope you can find some peace during this holiday season, despite the stresses that surround us all.     Swampped 

[qcarolr]

I did talk to both my T and gd's today. And I spent some time journaling this morning. I feel much better tonight.

Yes, I do enjoy it while with DD when she is in a more 'up' place -- more stable place.

PACE puts the 'peer support' piece later in the program after you can prove you will show up for the PO and T appointments. THis just drives me crazy. Why not try a group of some kind to see if this gives her something to talk about with T? A mother can dream, huh.

She really needs exposure to a different group of people -- then it is up to her to choose to hang out with them.

So tomorrow I am taking her to pick out her Christmas gift. I will ask her to choose a place to meet during gd's winter break. Let her know it will not be at our house. Dh and I are feeling real disappointment we cannot have her here for a meal and gifts with gd. DD thinks we give too much power to gd about this - I know how much gd needs to keep our home as a safe container. It shows up everywhere in her life - school, activities, friends... .   We are the grown ups here, and will find ways to manage our pain. Healthy ways.

Swampped, I do appreciate your concern. I have a couple  for myself. So I will keep in touch with my support daily as I move through this time. Acceptance doesn't really work in this regard. I do not have a pdoc right now. Will call my HMO tomorrow to ask for a new one -- not a nurse practitioner. One more thing on a full calendar.

I started a parenting class/group this week based on Dan Hughes Attachment Based Family Therapy. Then I have to put it into practice. This is for gd. Maybe it is too much to take on right now - gone an evening each week for 10 weeks. And the hour time is not enough to cover the material and have a chance for sharing. There are about 20 parents in the group. I will see how the next couple weeks go... .

Whenever I am involved with DD - on her SSI, housing, basic needs... .I lose touch with dh and gd somewhat. I am more fatigued and troubled. Yet, I do not want to choose to have no contact with her. How to balance this. Keep working this out in therapy.

qcr

[Thursday]

Good morning-

I read this yesterday and was curious to see replies. My take on this is that this is about your struggle for self-preservation AND your struggle to help your DD.

It's clear you are stretched thin, trying to immerse yourself in the parenting class, trying to figure out Christmas, trying to juggle husband, daughter, grand-daughter, self, life, job.

Juggling. Juggling, Juggling.

I suggest an al-anon meeting. The folks there can help you sort this out. This involvement in DD's life as she tries to sort herself out.

She is struggling to make it to her appointments - both with PO and with T. THe T has already started threatening to 'not see you' because she has missed 2 appointments and does not share any relevant needs or issues. DD says she always ask her what she needs and DD says "I don't know". DD believes the T needs to help her figure out what her needs are. Yet I perceive that DD is getting her emotional needs met with friends visiting her motel, so she is no longer open or vulnerable enough to share her private pain with the professionals - that are strangers.

I have been guilty of thinking that unless I WORRY the world will somehow spin out of control for everyone. Who, really, do I think I am anyway?

And then, there are our BPD loved ones, out there, so ABLE to dispense with any sort of WORRY about ANYTHING.

Upside down and backwards. And you are in there... .swirling.



Thursday

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, qcarolr 

You've gotten some very good insights and advice here... .I think it's all valuable and helpful. I do agree with Thursday, and think that her advice is worth pursuing. Her image of you juggling your daughter and her needs, your relationship with your husband and granddaughter, and the holiday preparations, parenting classes, etc. are spot on. Perfect. You need a break, you need peace, and the advice to check out Al-Anon could be the missing piece of the puzzle for you... .

Please take care of yourself... .as you know, what is stressing you out today could be resolved or lessened tomorrow. You can't carry the whole wide world on your shoulders; Thursday is right 

[qcarolr]

Al Anon - has helped in the past. Has been a couple years since I was there. Today feels like just one more mark on my full calendar. I have to prune something else then can put this in. Maybe after holidays. Talked with dh about all on my plate - everything feels so valuable to me right now. Best place to start - worries about DD.

Spent some time with DD and her bf today. Got her a small 4g tablet for Christmas on our family plan. Made changes to our account and have more services with less cost. Amazing! Bf had done some research and DD already knew what she wanted. This bf, when sober/clean as he is now with DD, is a good guy for her. He is a little older, and seems able to keep his cool to help her keep her cool as he coaches her to be assertive and accountable. He is going to teach her how to do photo stuff  -- at least maybe she will be less bored.

I so wanted to ask her about her probation stuff - and did not.    This is her stuff, not mine. I have to keep turning my mind away from her stuff -- turn toward something that I have my own passion about.

Another area of stress has been how to celebrate Christmas with DD and gd. Gd continues to make it really clear in her therapy her need to preserve our home as a 'quiet zone' away from contact with her mom. I have been feeling fearful of DD's reaction to excluding her on Christmas Eve. Dh and I are feeling sad to not have a family time at our home. We talked about alternatives before I left to see DD today (he was staying home to meet gd's school bus). While we were waiting our turn at the phone store, I asked bf and DD to choose a nice place we could get together to share holiday instead of at the house. They were totally cool with this after Christmas on dh/s days off. Gave them a budget for the meal, and they get to choose restaurant. Dd actually seemed relieved.

There are several things that have been accomplished, and I think I can find some rest now. Any info that DD's program needs from me has been given. The SSI hearings are done and the lawyer is in charge of any further info needed. We have funds to help DD with housing for now, and I can see things settling into a kind of routine for DD.

Feeling more grounded. Looking forward to a weekend with nothing on the schedule except keeping warm.

qcr

[crazedncrazymom]

Wow!  Sometimes it takes getting WAY down in order to get yourself back up.  It sounds like you're on the right track with your thinking.  Good job on taking dds stuff off your plate!  That'll work out however it works out whether you worry yourself sick or not.

Christmas is so stressful I'll bet dd was glad to have permission to skip it.  I wonder if I'm the only one who truly hates Christmas.  Well, I don't hate it, I love the lights and prettiness.  I HATE the commercialization of it.

Thanks for letting us know you're doing better!

-crazed