His Mother's inheritance from 9 years ago...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

so... .my ex (soon to be) thinks he's entitled to an extra 50K of our home equity because 9 years ago, he decided to chip in 33K of his mother's estate when we refinanced our home equity loan. 10K of that loan was paying off a Visa bill. (he's says it's 50K, I can prove it was only 33K)

Apparently there is something in Ohio law that says this is OK? And it was 9 years ago? And I did half the sweat equity to get her tumbledown house ready to sell?

That and he thinks he's entitled to 2/3 of our retirement income. Because he wants to retire in 6 years. And he makes 15K more than me, and says I'm not entitled to any spousal support. We still have a child that graduates from HS in 2014. We have nothing legal yet, and he keeps reducing the support he gives me for the kid.

And he's refusing to turn over the title to the 13 year old vehicle that I drive, so I can license it to drive it. (I have until March)

I'm still in the house, but along with the mortgage, home equity, property taxes and house insurance, I'm also paying some of his bills (life insurance, some health insurance, 100% of the current Visa bill, all the kid's medical insurance and costs, kid's car insurance) (kids are 18 and 22).

Anybody have any insight for me? He offered one (ridiculous) proposal for dissolution, I countered and now we're waiting on his response. (it's been 3 months).

[Kadee]

so... .my ex (soon to be) thinks he's entitled to an extra 50K of our home equity because 9 years ago, he decided to chip in 33K of his mother's estate when we refinanced our home equity loan. 10K of that loan was paying off a Visa bill. (he's says it's 50K, I can prove it was only 33K)

Apparently there is something in Ohio law that says this is OK? And it was 9 years ago? And I did half the sweat equity to get her tumbledown house ready to sell?

That and he thinks he's entitled to 2/3 of our retirement income. Because he wants to retire in 6 years. And he makes 15K more than me, and says I'm not entitled to any spousal support. We still have a child that graduates from HS in 2014. We have nothing legal yet, and he keeps reducing the support he gives me for the kid.

And he's refusing to turn over the title to the 13 year old vehicle that I drive, so I can license it to drive it. (I have until March)

I'm still in the house, but along with the mortgage, home equity, property taxes and house insurance, I'm also paying some of his bills (life insurance, some health insurance, 100% of the current Visa bill, all the kid's medical insurance and costs, kid's car insurance) (kids are 18 and 22).

Anybody have any insight for me? He offered one (ridiculous) proposal for dissolution, I countered and now we're waiting on his response. (it's been 3 months).

[mt grl]

I was in the reverse position in my divorce, as I had used some money inherited from my grandmother for a down payment on our house and because I had always kept that money separate and could prove that then it was considered my separate property by the courts. I am in a community property state, they are all different.

[marbleloser]

Sounds like the inheritance was co-mingled with marital assets,so he doesn't get it back.

The 10K part of the loan will be deducted from the overall home value.Say it appraises for 100K and you owe 90K,then you'll split the 10K of equity.If you didn't have the 10K debt added to the mortgage,you'd split 20K as you would only owe 80K, opposed to 90.

Retirement income depends on length of marriage. Over 10 years usually means it's split 50/50.

You need to see an atty if you want any changes. As of now,he has no reason to pay anything without a court order.

[Kadee]

he put the 33K into a joint savings account, then put it on the equity loan (within the time span of a couple months). The rest of the inheritance was just plain spent (I can track much of it, donations, trips, vehicles, etc.). Was it co-mingled by the fact that he put it in an account with both names on it, even if it is traceable?

[marbleloser]

Yes. It being in a joint account means it was co-mingled and would be considered a gift to the marital assets. I never had joint accounts for that reason. 

[livednlearned]

You have a lawyer? Start with what you are entitled to by law. Then find out what documentation you need. Then get ready to negotiate. Decide what you want. Then come up with your starting negotiation. A lot of times people ask for what they FEEL like they want, and that is what he is doing. It's absurd, so you very calmly look at it, then focus on your own negotiation strategy.

But first you need to know the law, how it works where you live, and what documentation you need and have.

In my case, there was the law, but then when it came to mediation, it took my breath away how the lawyers just threw around talk of our assets/money like it was literally made of leaves.

My family had given me $10K as a gift (inheritance) and no one checked it, just tossed it out there and scribbled some numbers on a napkin, and then we moved onto retirement and house and negotiated that.

So yes, there are laws based on the state we live in, but then it just got mushed into a big negotiation and it was over in an hour.

When you get ready to negotiate for real, it helps to write down what you are willing to settle for. Expect for there to be a lot of back and forth, and start high so you have some room to negotiate down.

No one wins in these situations, it's just about who loses less.

[ForeverDad]

You have a lawyer? Start with what you are entitled to by law. Then find out what documentation you need. Then get ready to negotiate. Decide what you want. Then come up with your starting negotiation. A lot of times people ask for what they FEEL like they want, and that is what he is doing. It's absurd, so you very calmly look at it, then focus on your own negotiation strategy.

But first you need to know the law, how it works where you live, and what documentation you need and have.

Yes, first thing you need to do is get some legal consultations, not just with a divorce attorney but perhaps also an accountant or other professional experienced with those issues.  If he had used some inheritance toward the house, consider it now part of marital assets, treat it as "ours" and that he'd have to really convince a judge it was anything else.  Likely the retirement would be split 50/50, at least the portion that was added or grew during your marriage, pre-marital contributions might be his, not sure.

However, all of that is IF a judge has to decide.  Judges and lawyers don't mind if a case moves glacially slow.  Judges are busy with other cases and lawyers are happy to make money.  Reasonable spouses often get fed up with the slow pace and settle.  That's what the professionals want to see happen.  But he is unlikely to settle without either (1) walking out feeling the winner or (2) he tries to avoid a trial where his misbehaviors see the light of day in court.

So don't fret over what to offer.  You made an offer.  Let him take it or leave it.  Don't fret over it.  If he says no, let him counter off, don't counter your own offer.  The problem most members here face is that when faced with obstinate spouses we keep making ever better offers.  Our ex-spouses see that like a red flag to bulls, they see our reasonableness and wish to get it over with as a sign of weakness and weak boundaries, they keep wanting more and more, and then even more.

Generally, it's wise to make a decent offer (but not too decent  ) and then withdraw it if rejected or too much time passes.  Then your effective position can be, "I tried to negotiate, now I'll see you in court, I'll let the judge decide, I'll surely get a better decision from a judge than reaching an agreement with you."

When you get ready to negotiate for real, it helps to write down what you are willing to settle for. Expect for there to be a lot of back and forth, and start high so you have some room to negotiate down.

No one wins in these situations, it's just about who loses less.

Generally the more reasonable spouse is at risk to lose more than the unreasonable stubborn parent.  So be careful.  You've made an offer.  At this point we don't know whether it was too generous, but likely it was.  If he doesn't respond then consider it rejected and move on to family court.  Our common truisms here are that a realistic settlement usually doesn't happen until all delays and obstructions are past and a hearing is looming.  Usually that's just before the trial or some other big hearing date.  (My divorce had been going for nearly two long excruciating years and minutes before the trial was to start my ex finally settled.  Literally with only a few minutes to go.)