My exBPD's exes have added me to Facebook What is that about?

[Diana82]

 

Just when things couldn't get any weirder (I saw my exBPD randomly riding her bike along my street 3 weeks ago as well)... .

I have had two Facebook friend requests in one week: one is from a girl my ex slept with once who then turned into her "distant friend" and the second one is from the casual lover my ex had after me!

The first girl had tried to add me a couple of times before. And this time I accepted.

She told me my ex had started to ignore her and didn't want to hang out anymore. And she hadn't heard from her in ages. Sounds familiar! But she then said " you and I should be friends!"

:/

I didn't accept the other woman's request. But what is this about? Are they trying to share crazy stories with me? Does it sound like they've both been treated badly by her and are confused just like me?

I noticed the second girl is no longer Facebook friends with my ex too...

[Diana82]

Should I tell my ex about this?

She is currently ignoring me after a fight we had.

I just feel strange things keep happening.

I don't want to jeopardise a potential friendship with my ex by having her exes tell me horror stories behind her back.

I thought of just mentioning to her they added me. But I'm a bit fearful she may rage again

[HoldingAHurricane]

Sometimes, when we can't get the intimacy we want from our loved ones, we try to achieve it through being part of their lives in peripheral ways like being friends with their friends, looking at their facebook page, or re-reading their texts and emails. In some way, it feels like we are part of their lives and sharing things with them. It can soothe us to feel some connection, even an impoverished one. I've certainly been there. However, this vicarious participation in their life is not really intimacy and it is a sure sign that our needs are not being met in our relationship.

I was wondering if you are in touch with what feelings or ideas staying involved with your friend from a distance is helping you manage?

[Diana82]

Well, I was not the one seeking these ex women out…

It doesn’t really help me to know she’s treated other women badly too.  Or disappeared on others.

I want to be on good terms with my ex and not get involved in this stuff with her exes or even engage them.

I feel like telling her to maybe show my loyalty or respect to her... what do you think?

[HoldingAHurricane]

You seem pretty definite about not wanting to get involved with the ex's. Sounds like you've made your decision on that front, which is great. It also sounds like you are hoping that disclosing their contact and your choice might help prove to your friend that you are trustworthy and loyal. You would like to approach her with this information in hopes that she might see you are a good person and it will lead to the peace you are hoping for. In the past has it been your experience that trying to explain or demonstrate such things has worked? I know my dBPDh tends to see persuasion as an attempt to control him and the more I lobby him the more suspicious I seem.

Hoping our actions will cause someone else to do or say or feel something is to buy into the idea that we have some control over those things, which we don't.

She seems to be voluntarily out of contact with you. Thinking you can coax her out of that by showing you are this or that is to believe that you are the reason she has decided to go no contact. She decided because that's how she copes with her problems. I think you can be safe in assuming its about her not you. 

[Diana82]

Interesting... thanks for your perspective on this.

Maybe I should just leave it then.

You're right about not bring able to control the way she views me.

She already thought I make her feel terrible. Nothing I say can change that right now

[Changingman]

Hi hope everything goes well,

I am finding it astonishing that we have these kind of conversations/exchanges with anyone. The oddness of the topics ie

I'm uncomfortable with you meeting up with your ex, it makes me nervous!

Why? He's a friend, you're being weird. Can't I have any friends, I suppose you think I'm f****** them!

This is more about respect, boundaries, care for others feelings. Do we really have to explain about anxiety and hurt feelings?

Now you are desparetly trying to prove your loyalty?

This is how interpersonal relationships are so fraught around them. The unthinkable becomes possible. We start to cover up and respond to their disfunction. It becomes normal.

Grown ups should act responsibly with other peoples feelings.