siblings

[co.jo]

Possibly this has already been addressed elsewhere, but I wonder if anyone has some advice regarding wounded siblings who are adults. Two of my adult children refuse to have anything to do with their BPD sister. Understandably so. BUT what I don't understand is why 2 university educated, well-read people refuse to even read about the disorder. They won't even try and understand what part the illness plays in their sister's behavior, and I gave them the book Essential Guide etc which I am sure they haven't cracked. Their younger nonBPD sister has done everything she can think of to try and get them to do their part, and they will have nothing to do with it. They will not look at this site or any other. It is very painful for me , and excruciating for both the nonBPD sister ( she calls herself the Glue , because she feels she holds the family together), and their BPD sister, who of course feels their rejection acutely.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, co.jo  

It really hurts when you are a parent, and your children don't all "get along" when you really want what is best for all of them. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this; it's miserable to feel so powerless over our adult children and their situations!

I'm curious about how long this No Contact your 2 (adult) kids are having with their BPD sister has been going on? And, how long ago did you give them the book, and how long ago did you encourage them to check out this website?

The reason I ask is because my own adult son (34) has been No Contact with my BPD son (36) for many months--beginning the end of February 2013, with the only contact since then (in Oct.) being a few DVDs in the mail with a little note, but nothing in person or by phone since the end of February. I had suggested he start reading on this site in April 2013, and to this day I don't think he's even checked it out. I also just recently (in beginning of November 2013) gave him "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to read in order to better understand his older brother, but he hasn't started reading it yet (as of Thanksgiving, when I inquired).

I think it will just take time for this to be ironed out. I can't do anything, really, except what I've already done, with encouraging the reading of this site and the book I gave him. It's a bit different in my case, because though my BPD son would probably react well if he and his younger brother were ever in each other's company, he is not feeling rejected or in any angst over this No Contact. So, in that regard, I'm not in the painful situation you are in, having to watch your other 2 daughters as they struggle with this. I really feel bad for you; I know what it is like to see your kid in pain and to be powerless to change it.

Why would my 34 year-old, professional, very smart and well-educated son have no interest in reading up on BPD in order to understand his older brother? My own theory is that right now he is still hurting over his own feelings of being treated badly by his brother, and angry over the trauma his brother has caused the family in the past (before his BPD diagnosis and subsequent treatment for it). He is still struggling with feeling that his older brother has manipulated and taken advantage of our family, and is angry and resentful over that. And he is probably not ready to forgive him for any of it. For now.

I'm on good terms myself with both of my sons, and so I'm just letting them work this out for themselves, on their own time schedule. I expect that things will eventually change (don't all things generally change with time, anyway?), and I will continue to encourage them both in their healing over the trauma our family has been through over the many years of my older son's BPD behaviors wreaking havoc with everyone's psyches (including his own!).

Please don't give up co.jo. I do believe that things have a way of working themselves out when we let go of trying to "fix" them. You are doing what you can so far, and as long as you are loving and compassionate to everyone regarding how they feel, and where they are in their healing process, I think you will find things will get better eventually. Hang in there, and try not (yeah, I know, it's hard!) to feel responsible for their feelings and actions; you can only be responsible for your own  

[co.jo]

This situation has been going on for a few years- 2 Christmases ago we had everyone together, and talk about eggshells! And then it didn't work out, it wasn't enough for BPD daughter that sibs were there, she wanted everyone to be like nothing had ever happened. Ended up with a huge fight, you've all been there, no need to describe. So since then, nothing, and now bPD daughter is not talking to me either.It is hard to have faith that something will change, and I am disappointed in the other 2 who I tried to raise to be compassionate and forgiving.

[Verbena]

I have a similar situation, but it's not with a sibling.  My son23 completely understands what his sister (DD28) is suffering from and has for a long time.  He's a psychology major and has studied about personality disorders and has privately discussed his sister's behaviors with at least one professor.  He carefully considers how he handles her and reacts to her.  He also is a great sounding board for me and gives great advice.  He recognizes that she has BPD and that she probably won't ever change, especially since she now denies her diagnosis ten years ago and has a new husband who swears nothing is wrong, backing up her denial.  When discussing the potential for drama when another female enters the family (son is serious about a girl in China where he is teaching), he said to me about his sister, "I'm not afraid of her." 


My husband, DD's father, on the other hand, has never read about this illness, thinks this site is a waste of time, believes therapy is a joke, and can barely even remember what it's called.  He calls it "that b-dpb-dp... .whatever you say she has... ."  He doesn't deny that she has serious problems and he knows what they are.  He understands how she thinks and how it's twisted and destructive.  He just won't give any credence to any studies done on the illness or anyone else's experience with it.  He is a very negative person himself and can be just as difficult to be around as DD, but for different reasons.  He has zero insight into his own behavior but perfect insight into DD's.  It's frustrating to say the least.

So I can understand where your other two children are coming from.  They are bound to know something is really wrong, but they don't want to get into the details of it possibly because they  believe (like my husband) that she just needs to straighten up and stop blaming her actions on an illness.   I'm somewhere in the middle, believing that DD can control her behavior but needs help to learn to do that. You can't force the issue.  If they want to read about it, they will.  I know it's hard for you and your other daughter who is caught in the middle.   

[Kate4queen]

I think my oldest son was so hurt, is so hurt by his brother's attempts to destroy him that even though he understands what the problem is (He had a girlfriend who mentioned BPD to him in relation to his brother and herself and he got the basics) he has no need to put himself back into a situation where he would have to deal with his brother again.

I get it because I feel the same now. But for years I was the glue that held the family together (DH, and 4 kids) and guess what? they all hated and resented me for trying so hard to keep my family together. So, even though eldest son and I have made our peace and can talk about things honestly, I am the last person he would appreciate giving him advice about helping his brother. There's too much history there for him to accept my advice about this matter.

I wonder whether that's the case with your adult child? You can give them the tools but ultimately they have to choose whether to use them or not. You've done all you can.

[MammaMia]

My 41 yo daughter gets so frustrated with her BPD brother age 39 and vice versa. They cannot even stand to be in the same room together much less have a civil conversation.  They have been totally NC for over a year.  My son believes she is a horrible, greedy, selfish person and wants nothing to do with her or her family.

She, on the other hand, says she understands that her brother is mentally ill but has no time to "coddle him".  She hates how he treats me when he is dysregulated, so I do not share much of his behavior with her.  She is busy... .  married, works full-time, has 2 teenage children and a sick husband, but I often wonder if she fears that because her brother has BPD that she or her children may become mentally ill as well.  Her kids are 14 and 16.

I wonder if this is a common fear with siblings of pwBPD.   

I have learned to accept their feelings toward each other, and no longer suggest they try to work things out.  I have been a referee for years and just cannot do it any more.  I do enjoy time with both of them separately. 

Sad, isn't it?

[six]

as I mentioned on another post, some nonBPD siblings exhibit certain BPD traits.  in my family (6 children) the nonBPD kids who have the most BPD traits have the hardest time dealing with their BPD brother.  I use BPD tools with those siblings (e.g., it must be so hard for you to have to handle this situation, on the other hand, your brother is mentally ill)

my children who have no BPD traits are the ones who are willing to enter into his reality and see his good qualities while also accepting his shortcomings. 

it was really hard for me to accept that my nonBPD kids have certain BPD traits (like seeing things in black and white terms, not being able to see another persons perspective, being oversensitive, overreacting).  I always wanted to make a huge distinction between BPDs26 and his nonBPD sibs.  reality is that some of the sibs are pretty difficult too, although thankfully they are much more capable of coping with life.

co.jo, I am not sure if your other kids exhibit any of these types of qualities.  but, if so, it does not matter that they are university educated and mature, they still might not be willing to be open to the idea of a mental illness, especially if it hits close to home and reminds them of themselves.

[co.jo]

I don't think my other kids have BPD traits- they are just extremely stubborn, which of course comes from their father

[bluebell7]

co.jo- I am sorry for your situation.  My adult daughters have complicated relationships and one of my secret fears is my children being estranged from each other.  Right now they are hanging on by a thread.  Due to life circumstances, we are living under the same roof and I hope our relationships don't suffer.