siblings

[kellygirl601]

How do your non BPD children get along with the one with BPD?  My daughters are 20 and 25. The 20 year old has BPD. She is horrible to deal with to say the least. They hate each other. The younger one lives at home... the older one does not.  Today was a huge blowup over a gift they were doing together. Most likely for their dad and I.  The older one just cant deal with the fact that her sister is not dependable. Ever. It was so bad I'm dreading the holiday. I just feel like I cant live with it anymore. I'm so miserable.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

You are NOT alone my friend!  Our BPD DD14 has 2 brothers who still live here at home - ages 26 and 23.  She gets along OK with the younger one mostly because he has a very relaxed let everything roll off his shoulder personality and seems to be one of those folks who was just born compassionate.  The oldest one I think feels kind of like a second dad to her since he is so much older.  I think it is all based on fear for her, but they just butt heads all the time!  I don't know what to do to make it better either.  I hope someone will offer some suggestions on your thread because I would like ideas too. I am right there with you!   

[crumblingdad]

Our dd17 also has an older 23 year old sister who is exhausted and frustrated with her BPD.  She doesn't fully understand it and it angers her.  She has refused to visit her in RTC but will tomorrow for her birthday but doesn't really want to.

I don't have great answers but I think much of it depends on their siblings learning about BPD and being able to understand it.  It's frustrating, like it is for us as parents, to have the world revolve around their siblings with BPD.  It takes away from them and the resentment is hard to avoid.  My goal has been to try to gently educate our DD23 of her sister's illness while still giving her adequate attention and love and being understanding of that resentment and frustration. 

[kellygirl601]

Thank you. I have been dealing with it so long. Today I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I am really thinking of leaving the family for mine own sanity. I feel like I can't go on knowing there is just more of this.

[crumblingdad]

That's difficult kellygirl601 I feel your pain and its so frustrating.  Being torn between the two that you love so much and having no ability to bridge the frustration and cure the problem as a parent.  For me despite the progress we've made with our DD17 it still often feels like both of them tearing at each side of your heart and soul and no position you take seems to provide either of them with a solution.

It's said over and over that the first step has to be your sanity and preserving it. Detaching with Love is often the road to do this and something I continue to work on.  There are some great resources on here to help understand how you do that.  It's finding a way not to take any of it personally and understand YOU can't cure it nor will you fix it.  You can however look for ways to communicate to both so that you can perhaps provide some loving support.  Understanding how to validate the feelings of both your DD with BPD as well as her sister is so important.  However - first you much look for yourself to find ways to keep your sanity and be healthy for both of them.  Often that might mean taking some giant steps back rather which can be done without leaving the family.

[Kate4queen]

My older son (25) hates his brother with BPD who is 22-and I have to say it is with some good cause as BPD son made older son's life a misery for years before oldest got tired of it and put an end to it. Oldest will not speak to his brother.

Youngest son (20) has unfortunately drunk the kool-aid and is the only member of our immediate family who will speak to BPD bro and actually shares an apartment with him. BPD son is convinced that his work in life is to 'save' 20 yr old from our "monstrous parenting". So he is on his best behavior with 20 yr old knowing his having somewhere to live etc is dependent on us providing those things for our 20 yr old son.

One of the reasons we moved away from that whole situation was to protect our 11 year old dd who was starting to get far too much attention from BPD son who thinks he is a far better role model than we are. He is not.

I don't speak negatively about my BPD son to any of my other children. I try and remain neutral and simply explain if asked why I can't live with him.  It's very hard.

[six]

Kellygirl, I can relate to your wanting to leave home to get away from the tension of the kids fighting with each other.  I have been there, and have actually done it for short periods when the going got too rough for me. 

When I took Valerie Porr's course for parents she made the comment that many of our nonBPD children can also exhibit certain BPD traits even tho  they are not full-blown BPD.  when she said this I freaked out bec I have 6 children (oldest = BPDs26, other are dd24, dd22, ds18, dd15 and dd9). I thought I would die if I had to contend with more BPD in my kids.  but when I am truthful with myself, I see that there are BPD symptoms in some of the other kids.  the ones who have the hardest time handling BPDs26 are also the ones who have some traits in common with him.

my 22 and 24 dds attended the Valerie workshop with us and they gained a real understanding of their brother as someone who has an illness, and not someone who is just a pain in the rear-end most of the time.  this is such an important realization for the kids to have bec up until then they just saw him as difficult now they see him as ill.  they have been able to learn how to use some of the tools, like validation with him.  Valerie says that we have to make our home environment safe for the BPD in the same way that we would make our home safe if our child had a physical disability.  I would say that for the most part my kids try to do this altho the ones with the BPD traits have a harder time with it bec they are often seeing things from their own perspective and not from his.

when my BPDs moved out of the house, things really improved for everyone else, needless to say. especially for me.  I have felt caught in the middle for years.  when he comes home we walk on eggshells, but at least it is only for short visits.