How do you validate your BPD partners feelings when...

[comorbidspouse]

How do you validate your BPD partners feelings when rather than say "I feel hurt" or "I feel abandoned" they hurl accusations like "you side with everyone else" and "you don't love me"

I'm not sure how I am supposed to validate my husbands feelings when he's not giving me anything to work with. I certainly don't want to validate his delusions.

We were supposed to go to my work Christmas party on Saturday, but instead, he decided to spend an hour yelling at his sister (who didn't have a car because my mother in law had dropped her off - therefore, she was vulnerable and a captive audience). After an hour of that crap, I told her she didn't have to feel like she needed to stay, and that if there was anywhere she wanted to go, I would drive her there.

She and I left, I dropped her at the store, and when I returned he was refusing to go to the party and declaring that I was taking her side (including many other accusations that aren't true). I just needed to defuse the situation and that's pretty much the only way that seems to work.

He had just that morning spent his $100 check from work buying a shirt, pants, belt and tie for the party. I had decided that I was sick of paying all his bills and having him treat me like I'm as ___hole that spends all of "his" money (I have only ever used his check when desperate and for bills/food) and 'prevents' him 'from using that money' so that he can make more (?)

I put all my money into my other bank account and told him that if he needed any money he could return the items that he hadn't ended up wearing to the party, since they'd actually cost in excess of his check. (for reference, he makes less than 9% of our total income). I just want him to start noticing that I pay EVERYTHING. I want him to not just blindly use his debit card, never thinking about money until he decides to pretend that I'm causing "financial problems" (not even joking) and spending all of his money... .

I'm just sick of being blamed for everything that he is unhappy with. I know I'm supposed to validate his feelings, but he never uses "feeling" words, he just makes accusations. There's no room for anything reasonable.

Please help

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[comorbidspouse]

I just wanted to bump this because no one has responded yet, maybe there isn't an answer, but I'm hoping that maybe someone will know.

I think the tools that we're supposed to use to validate can be difficult when every word out of your pwBPD's mouth is wrongfully accusatory, it's like there's no in. I can't say "anyone would feel like that" because frankly, they wouldn't! Where do I find the areas to validate?

[123Phoebe]

Hi comorbidspouse  

I am so sorry for not getting back to you sooner than this.  Thank you for bumping it up, that was the right thing to do!

How do you validate your BPD partners feelings when rather than say "I feel hurt" or "I feel abandoned" they hurl accusations like "you side with everyone else" and "you don't love me"

I'm not sure how I am supposed to validate my husbands feelings when he's not giving me anything to work with. I certainly don't want to validate his delusions.

This stuff can feel tricky and weird and backwards from how we're inclined to want to respond.  And you're right, you don't want to validate his delusions.

We really want to get in touch with what our partners are feeling, not necessarily what they're saying at times.

If he's saying that you "side with everyone else", how would you imagine that would feel?  Bad?  Sad? Frustrating?  Lonely?  Left out?  :)iscounted?  Not important?  Hurt?  Abandoned?

Then you can validate the emotion depending on the circumstance:

Him- "You side with everyone else"

You- "No I don't"

Him- "You do TOO!  bLAHHHH!"

Probably not very validating

Him- "You side with everyone else"

You- "Oh wow honey, I hear sadness in your voice.  What's going on?"

Him- "I SAID that you side with everyone else!"

You- "I'd feel sad and mad too, if I thought you were leaving me out.  I'm glad you brought this up.  Maybe talking this out will help?  I'd like to understand"

You're not agreeing with him that you do indeed side with everyone else, while acknowledging his feelings and opening up the conversation

Think something like this might work?

[waverider]

Validation is your everyday maintenance tool. It doesn't always solve your problems on its own, its just smooths things a bit better. You should not forget to to add the Truth part of the SET lesson, as long as it is your Truth from your point of view rather than an outright accusation of their being wrong. If your truth is unacceptable to them, then that is their problem. Dont try to sell it with JADE (Justify, Defend, Argue, Explain). If things still go down hill you go through the steps of disengaging, enforcing boundaries to leaving if necessary.

You cannot make them agree, or see your truth, but neither do you need to validate the invalid.

In this case you can say that you can see he is feeling like everyone's against him, is there something else that's adding to this feeling?. Just reaffirm that is not anyone's intention, and you are not siding with anyone, but acting as you see appropriate, and that of course you love him. (This may not stop them on its own in many cases). This is an example of short and simple the SET tool.

They need to self soothe from here. Sometimes we just try too hard and end up adding more fuel to the fire.

Short and simple will always make you feel better.

You feel anguish here, the path to making you feel better is not always dependent on making them feel better first. That is codependency.

[Chosen]

Personally, I would validate stuff like "I feel hurt" or "I feel abandoned", because they're feelings and therefore they are not right/ wrong.

However, let's say if it gets into the blaming area, like "You don't side with me", then I may first say "Hmm... .this sucks.  What makes you think that?"  My uBPDh will usually stop there, because there are no facts to back him up.  I may then validate with SET, as waverider said. 

S: That sucks to feel that you've got nobody on your side.

E: I guess I would feel that way if (nobody agreed with me/ I'm not allowed my opinion/ whatever the pwBPD said)

T: Even when I don't agree with your views, I'm still on your side and I still support you.

But then, don't go into JADEing and justify what you did.  You're just telling them the truth, YOUR truth, and they may not accept it but you've voiced it out anyway.

[waverider]

But then, don't go into JADEing and justify what you did.  You're just telling them the truth, YOUR truth, and they may not accept it but you've voiced it out anyway.

This is important as sometimes we can do a great job, then go ruining it with a big slab of JADE, which leaves you believing that the best example of SET wont work.

The use of JADE and the word "BUT" are the biggest causes of self sabotage we can employ.

[Chosen]

But then, don't go into JADEing and justify what you did.  You're just telling them the truth, YOUR truth, and they may not accept it but you've voiced it out anyway.

This is important as sometimes we can do a great job, then go ruining it with a big slab of JADE, which leaves you believing that the best example of SET wont work.

The use of JADE and the word "BUT" are the biggest causes of self sabotage we can employ.

I've read it somewhere (possibly in one of the workshops on here) that it's a good idea to avoid "BUT" altogether, which is something I have been practising.  The word sounds like you've just turned the previous conversation 180 degrees, even though you might not have.  Saying "and" or, as I sometimes do, say it like two completely different sentences work better 

[comorbidspouse]

Thanks for these responses! I think the J.A.D.E. tool is really useful and I'm trying to employ it!

I guess it will take a little practise.

[waverider]

Thanks for these responses! I think the J.A.D.E. tool is really useful and I'm trying to employ it!

I guess it will take a little practise.

The idea is not to use it.

Less is more