Negativity

[Bracken]

Hi

I am new here.

My D is 26 now - and things were never "normal" with her - but like many mothers whose stories I have been reading here, I would say it got REALLY bad around age 14.

I could write a book about all the things we have gone through. But lately, what I am really thinking about is the NEGATIVITY. It comes in many forms. Sometimes it's suicidal depression, sometimes it's crippling cynicism, sometimes it's heartbroken sadness, sometimes it's frightening hostility, sometimes it's bloodcurling hysterics, sometimes it's violence.

She does have her happier moments - and she can even be charming (although not so much with us, her parents.)

But - I have concluded that overall my D is an unusually - hopelessly? - NEGATIVE person.

Does this strike a chord with anyone else here?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

Oh yes, yes, yes!  I can totally relate!  Unless our 14 DD has something to be truly excited about - waking up on Christmas morning to a room full of gifts, receiving an award or a A on a test, something like that, she is mostly negative.  Even today when she and I were at AAA making arrangements for a trip to see family and snow (we are in FL and they are in MN) right after Christmas, which she has been asking, no, begging to do for months, she was a pretty miserable little creature.  Right after we got our tickets and receipt printed out she was happy and excited, but that lasted all of 3 minutes until I told her we had to stop somewhere else on the way home (for like a minute or two)!  She was back to her negative self that quickly!  Most BPDs are also depressed and filled with anxiety and those negative emotions are symptoms of both!  Is your DD on any kind of medication for that?  That does help to keep ours on a more even keel than she used to be.

[jellibeans]

I think this is very true and what leads my dd to errors in thinking.  When a friend doesn't reply to a text quick enough she thinks. " oh she doesn't like me etc" instead of " oh she must have got busy doing something".

I don't know how to change that but I try and point out the good when I can. They need positive feedback.

[Gidget]

My daughter only seemed happy when she was getting something. My husband would tell me (her Step Dad ) you could give her a million dollars and next week she will tell you to Go F---off. True it took me a long time to admit he was right just couldn't believe it. I gave her all I ever had and it was never good enough. The joy lasted maybe the day and she was back to be cold alienating and down right vile assults

[co.jo]

Valerie Porr's book has something to say about the brain science behind the excessive negativity.

[Bracken]

Thanks, friends, for your responses

My H and I get so worn out with producing constant extra positivity and energy to keep our daughter going.

She will even say things like: "I have never been happy. Life has always been so miserable for me."

There has been a lot of suicidal talk again, since the summer. It's especially hard to handle, when she's actually asking us to HELP her commit the act - not to save her.

And when we have taken her to the Psych Emergency - many times over the years, and twice last year - they just don't take her seriously. They give her a prescription for pills, and send her off.

At various times the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers seem to have helped. My H certainly thinks so; he is a pill-oriented person. I guess I am still looking for the therapy and self-awareness ( DBT?) that may help our daughter.

In her early years she was on Ritalin - and later Concerta. Diagnosed as ADD at age 7. She still is quite ADD - but over the last 12 years, it has become more complicated. She started getting Zoloft in her teens - just when the story came out that it increased suicidal tendencies in young people! There have been all kinds of prescriptions over the years. She hasn't been on Concerta for a year or two - says it was bad for her moods. She can just about manage the ADD - when things are going well for her. What really makes it flare up is anxiety.

[peaceplease]

My ex-mother-in-law was the most negative person that I have ever met.  And, I always said that she was a woman that loved to be miserable.  I seriously would have to prep myself before I would vist or talk to her because I knew that it would be depressing. 

Also, my son seems to be quite negative, too.  He dwells on everything that is wrong in his life.  He always talked about his grandma being so negative, but he doesn't see it in himself. 

Funny, I am on these boards due to my uBPDd, and I don't see her as negative as my exMIL or my ds.  My dd is up and down.  Her moods are one extreme or the other.

[pessim-optimist]

Also, my son seems to be quite negative, too.  He dwells on everything that is wrong in his life.  He always talked about his grandma being so negative, but he doesn't see it in himself.

I have read in the book "I don't have to make everything all better" that with validation, healthy people will bottom out and bring themselves back up naturally. If we do not validate them, and problem-solve or try to dissuade them from their emotions, we may be preventing them from bottoming out and coming back up.

With a pwBPD this may work too, but it may be more complicated (need for medication, or if suicidal for instance).

Also the validating "dance" needs to be more sophisticated.

[Verbena]

I know a thing or two about dealing with negativity as I have been living with it for over 31 years.  My husband is a glass-half-empty kind of person. He is miserable to be around most of the time and appears to be angry about something quite often although he says he not.  He's exactly like his father who could suck the joy right out of the room. 

I remember so many times when BPDDD28 was little and would ask me, "What's wrong with Daddy?" when he was especially moody and I would tell her to just stay away from him.  I have often wondered if  I did damage to her by saying that.  The irony is that DD can see her father's negative behavior and how damaging it is to our relationship, but she can't see how destructive her own behavior is.  And, my husband can see that our daughter's behavior causes herself and others so many problems, but he thinks nothing of the way he acts.  He's never wrong. 

My advice would be to not waste any time trying to change this kind of mindset--because you can't.