Is it wrong to want an intervention ?

[SuseeCee]

My SO is undiagnosed and I don't believe I can do this alone... .Is it wrong or has anyone done an intervention where family and close friends are brought in to support and help him understand his condition? I don't know if I can remain in this marriage if he does not get help. I do all I can to be responsible in my actions and reactions to him but I'm crushing under the pressure.

[seeking balance]

My SO is undiagnosed and I don't believe I can do this alone... .Is it wrong or has anyone done an intervention where family and close friends are brought in to support and help him understand his condition? I don't know if I can remain in this marriage if he does not get help. I do all I can to be responsible in my actions and reactions to him but I'm crushing under the pressure.

No, it is not wrong to want it.  I can understand needing support of others.  You don't have to do this alone, the folks here are a great resource as a place to learn skills, vent and truly help the relationship be a little more balanced than what it may currently be.  Check out all the tools on the staying board even if you are undecided about the marriage.  Using the tools will help the conflict.

However, that is not really the best course of action if you want true change.  The fact is BPD is truly a mental illness, having friends or family involved will make your pwBPD feel alienated and likely not yield the results you with to have.

So, what can you do?  Get some information to help you cope - most definitely.

Does your H acknowledge the relationship itself (not just him) is a problem or high in conflict?

[Wrongturn1]

The topic of interventions was discussed on this site awhile back, and the consensus was that a person with BPD would likely feel judged and blamed and that an intervention was not likely to be helpful.  But then again, it's difficult to predict the behaviors of mentally ill people, so who knows?  (I would not attempt an intervention, however.)

[SuseeCee]

Thank you both for your help and insight.

Yes, he does see that there is much conflict in the marriage but blames it all on me... .I am trying so hard to see my own behaviors and don't know at this point if he sees that. He is extremely reactive to job pressure currently and is picking fights worse than ever when he's leaving for work OR coming home tired from it - a defense mechanism I'm sure and I feel badly that he's stressed and thank him for how hard he works all the time. I try and take care of him and make his lunches with sweet notes in them. He does sweet things for me - EVERY emotion is felt so strongly, love being one of them.

One of his issues with me is that since my last part time day-job ended when the company closed down and I'm not bringing in enough money (I still work part time as a musician). He takes it all out on me nearly every day lately. He is completely controlling our finances and making me feel bad and how 'he' can buy whatever because he's the one busting his ___ and I am just a 'lazy piece of ___'. He'll tell you that I have everything I could ever want but it's all under his control. His black/white thinking combined with extreme reactions to these stresses is causing him to make terrible decisions... .now he wants to open a business because he hates his job and it has become all-consuming for him. My intuition tells me it will be financial suicide. He already broke the promise that it would be ME managing our money since I am quite good at it and he already had acknowledged that and had admitted that he himself, was not. Now he has promised that I will manage the finances in this upstart business... .I believe he will only break the promise again. I suggested maybe we should get some things in writing about it if we open one but of course he lost it again. I am finding it impossible to be productive to find a job. I feel worthless as I am continuously told that I am.

I guess an intervention is not a good idea and I understand how and why... .I am only more sad and terribly defeated now as I don't think I can actually do this. I would at some point though be forced to inform his Mom since he will likely fall off the deep end about it all... .

This man is sick and he needs help. He is calling me from his job now and informing me that he can't take this with me anymore. It was a HORRIBLE morning with him and I just cannot help him. There is never a good time, a right time or ANY time to try and explain that he needs help. It must be awful for him too, I realize but feel as though it is all over now. I am participating in someone's illness and wish I had called off the wedding when he started with the name calling and verbal/emotional abuse. I saw he was unstable then and I have made it worse I'm afraid.