I feel that there is always an excuse to keep me away.
Today I asked her flat out what she wanted and if she was all in. I got a list of excuses. I knew as the first excuse poured out of her mouth that I would always be in this place ... .a circular hell... .if I stay. I know what I need to do... .walk.
I also know my life is moving forward and she is standing still. I want more. I deserve more.
I worked so hard... on myself and I am stronger due to therapy and hard work. I feel good and want to move forward with my life. I love her but I want a life not a relationship with my phone.
Stay IF You are prepared to banish all your previous expectations of a mutually loving, supportive relationship.
She may not even be in a
"stand still" in life. While you are working on bettering yourself through therapy and diligence, the BPD could regress according to her disordered moods. In that sense, she may actually
"move backwards" in her personal development while your hopes are up to share a life with her.
So the push/pull, circular hell that you are in will perpetuate itself until you have exhausted all your patience, spiritual well-being, and real life resources.
Reality check-
Unless you are prepared to sacrifice yourself and your future, then by all means, Stay (and tough it out until you eventually throw in the towel).
Otherwise, Exit the relationship while you are still relatively in one piece.
Instead of trying to help her out and spend your useless efforts in building a life with her, HELP YOURSELF FIRST.
Concentrate with your on-going therapy and work. Detach, dis-engage yourself, not in anger, or in hurt.
Walk away with LOVE.
It is LOVE so that your could HEAL yourself, and it is also forgiveness for the BPD because whatever hell she put you through, it was largely due to her mental illness.
Understand that it is not up to you to ease her sufferings. Her issues must be solved by her and her alone when she is ready to go into therapy for HERSELF and accept help from the professionals.
Personally, I have tried living out this rescue fantasy with my uBPDexgf for the past 10 years.
It was't worth it.
I have paid my price, but I have also come along to learn a lot about my own personal issues.
(My conclusion was that a non-BPD person could not possibly build a life/ relationship with a BPD because the latter simply "wasn't there". The person was, in many ways, "absent" because she has been so engulfed by her P.D. for all her life).
Unlike the BPD's beliefs that the world and everyone in it will just sit around and WAIT for them until they are in the condition to come to their senses and move forward, the reality is that TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE.
