On the downside again

[Winifred]

Our 33 year old daughter and our 8 month old grand-daughter came to live with us again after being menaced by the psycho boyfriend who previously beat up our daughter while holding the baby. He threatened to kill them both. Through our efforts, a public health nurse helped them get out of the apartment and to us 50 miles away. This time they stayed for almost three weeks and through Thanksgiving. We had a nice Thanksgiving, with relatives in attendance, and our daughter did very well indeed. After Thanksgiving, however, it all began to get very dicey. The upshot is that she and our grand-daughter are back in the apartment where she was beaten up. They have no car, she says she can't transport the baby and groceries in the stroller, and that they can't ride the bus. To top it off, we believe she's been in contact or near contract (tracking his phone) with the psycho bf. Someone associated with him has threatened to kidnap the baby. She is living the life she prefers, full of "drama" and triangles. She weeps over the phone that she doesn't have a car, but she would have one if she were willing to move. I am desperately worried about the baby. I thought she was moving ahead, but it was just one long mirroring session. I can emotionally detach from my daughter and have for periods of time since she was in her 20's, but detaching from a baby seems impossible. We don't know what to do. Winifred

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

This is terrible, Winifred, and I'm so sorry that things have gone downhill again 

I totally understand how you feel; detaching from our adult child who is making bad decisions is one thing, but having to detach unwillingly from our baby (or any age!) grandchild, is another. Is there any recourse at all for you? Can you contact CPS (Child Protection Services), or some other agency where your daughter lives? How about the Public Health Nurse who already knows first-hand of the situation? Surely she would know what to do to protect the baby, no?

I can see that this is causing you a lot of angst; I would contact the services/nurse above and tell them the situation and see if something could be done. Maybe someone else with more experience in situations like yours can chime in here... .

All my best, Winifred... .I am so sorry 

[Gidget]

So sorry for what you are going thru. I would contact the Nurse. I think for the baby. Also try I think to stay in touch with you daughter as much as possible for her sake. Domestic Violence is terrible and she needs your support probably more than you could imagine.

I left an abusive marriage when my daughter was just 2years old 36years ago. He came home told me he was going to kill himself and then kill me. Put a gun to my head. I managed to get out of the house when he was in the bathroom. I believe I saved both my life and my daughters that night. I never went back and filed for divorce that week.

It is hard both for you and your daughter. Just try to support her as much as possible there is also your grandchild involved. My mothers support back then is what got me out of there. He was an alcoholic.

Good luck I will be sending my prayers

[co.jo]

I would add my voice to the others, urging you to put the baby as priority. In fact, where I live, it is illegal not to report something like the violence which endangered the baby. Hard as it would be to cross your daughter, a baby cannot make its own choices, and we have to help keep them safe. I am a foster parent, and  know that violence that children witness has an impact even when it is before they can speak. Also, if your daughter is unable to buy groceries, how is she feeding the baby? This is also a child protection issue. as is the  kidnapping threat. Are you in any position to look after your grandchild? Would your daughter consider that while she tries to create a more stable environment?

So difficult, but I hope you can put the baby above everything. It is possible to have social services check the situation without your daughter knowing it was you that called.

Good luck!

[qcarolr]

Winifred,

What a fearful time for you. It tears me apart when I feel caught between my BPDDD27 and my gd8 with the conflicts in their needs. I have to get support from my network to put my gd's needs first. Dh and I made a choice when gd was a baby to care for her - she and DD lived in our home together though DD was out with her friends more than at home. Dh and I chose to pursue full custody of our gd when she was a baby. We accomplished this without involving social services directly with the help of the absent daddy. We still get support from our county 'kinship services' agency. It is part of social services department.

It is important to keep the public health nurse and child services involved in this situation. The need to be in a relationship with a bf is strong with my DD. It overpowers all her other decisions. She perceives that she could be a good mom, even though she rarely puts gd's needs first. Even in domestic violence situations, the abandonment needs pull our girls back into bad relationships. And the child suffers.

If you desire to be more involved in your gd's life, let social services know this. Let your D know this. Can you offer to provide her some respite care with her daughter? Even for a few hours a week? The bond with you will be of such great value as your gd grows up.

The limits you may need with you D can stay in place - accepting her as she is - if you can find ways to support good care and strong loving attachments for your gd.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[mammaf]

Winfred,

I can relate to your situation. Our DD21 has a 16 month old daughter that is my main concern these days. She spends a lot of time at our house (we are the primary babysitters) and we are doing everything we can to give her stability and love. However we are not her mother. I know this little girl loves her mother more than anything in the world and wants nothing but to be with her. There are times however when I am seriously contemplating going for custody. Not because I want to raise another child but to save her from her mothers rages (not directed at GD) and generally poor mood regulation. DD is flaky, never follows through on anything, cant keep a job, don't follow through on therapy, and of course blames me for being the enabling, distant parent. Arrgghhh arrrghh... .I'm inconsistent because of my GD, I'm scared that if I alienate my DD my GD will suffer in the long run for not having the safety of our home to come too.

[Winifred]

Thanks to everyone who responded to my recent post. Just yesterday things turned around. My daughter and grand-daughter spent three weeks in the apartment without transportation. Of course she did find a way to transport groceries from the store across the street, but in her calls she weeped about what a sad Christmas they were going to have. We offered her the use of one of our cars if she would do three things: send her brother a Christmas card, start proceedings for sole custody, and start proceedings to change the baby's last name. She said that she didn't want a car if she had to meet conditions. She wanted us to just give her a car. After that conversation I called CPS for the fifth time since the baby was born, and that really set her off. Nevertheless, she called the day after Christmas to say that she needed a break and wanted to stay with us for a night. She arrived in a nearly total emotional breakdown with the baby quite wary and unsmiling. She was off her meds. She slept for sixteen hours while we cared for our grand-daughter (a joy, no problem there!). My husband got her meds refilled, and the next day she was able to talk about rationally. She signed a contract agreeing to our conditions. She has two and a half weeks to begin the legal proceedings, and of course we'll help her; I expect we'll hire a lawyer. The bottom line is that she hit bottom then came around because we held firm. It was hard, hard, hard, but it worked. Now I've just slept for most of the day. Dealing with our daughter's BPD is the hardest thing we've ever faced. Winifred

[Gidget]

Great news Winifred hope all works out. It is so hard when we not only have to worry about our child but when there is a baby involved. Will keep praying for all here on this site.