Start contact again or not?

[coffees86]

Hi everyone,

Like my last topic mentioned, I'm in doubt. My udBPD (much times ex) GF and I are in no contact again. We had a tough time. She runs, I hide, she searches and finds.

Last few weeks were tough since I found out she was dating another women at the same time we started dating again. I had hard feelings about this, but I know what she is like, so I accepted it. I told her I did not like it and wanted to be friends as well, but since she doesn't do friends she said this was impossible.

So last date we had was nice. We talked a lot and did not really cuddle up, since I had my guards up. Almost immediatly after this date I noticed she was pulling back/pushing away. From calling me 3 times a day to calling once a week.

So I send her a text about this and asked her if I needed to leave her alone. She said she just did not know.

I told her she will find out one day, and it's up to her to contact me.

Silence ever since.

I miss talking to her. Miss her attention. Might be strange and weird. But I miss it. Should I send her a text in a few days, or just let her be and wait it out.

I can wait. She knows this. I'm not the chasing type. I'm more laid back.

I know her. I know she'll come back once.

I want to contact her. But how to know she is not annoyed by this.

I feel no anxiety, just want to talk to her. Not even a relationship, I can manage on my own. But I just do not know what to do next. She is terrified for people leaving, cause everybody leaves, but now she leaves me hanging.

What to do?

[Bobbo]

I think they are all wary of people leaving them, my uBPD-exgf sent me a picture once which said "She finds it hard to trust because everyone who always said they would be there left", I have a child with this woman, I've never left her, never would, but she left me and won't even talk things through.

We will never be able to rationalise what they are feeling sadly :-(

Hope you find your answers, I've got a lifetime of looking for mine.

[willtimeheal]

Hi coffee

I think the situation you are in is a double edged sword. If you contact her she will say you are needy. If you don't contact her she will say you don't care about her.

Your gf sounds a lot like mine. I just found out also that when we started seeing each other again she was dating someone else at the same time. I give you a lot of credit for caring so much and wanting to be there for her. I know you miss her. I miss mine like crazy. But for your own good do not contact her. You cannot save her. You didn't leave her... .She left you. Wait it out and try to stay busy.  This is about you taking care of yourself.

[Surnia]

Hi coffee

Sounds like you are both in the dynamic of push and pull which is really a hard place.

The idea of being friends is very often not really working. At least not too soon.

I told her she will find out one day, and it's up to her to contact me.

Silence ever since.

I think it would be good you have clarity for yourself too about this relationship. Do you want continue with her? Perhaps you can take her silence and find out for yourself what will be longterm the best for you.

[coffees86]

Yes, on one hand I'd like to continue with her. On the other hand I know how dysfunctional this is, that I'm not giving myself any worthyness by this. That she has hurt me and that she does non trustworthy things.

Though I still miss the contact. But why should I be the one to contact her. It's impossible she doesn't miss me, since we have been in multiple daily contact last few months. And it's also impossible for me not to miss her.

[KE151]

What to do?

It sounds like the classic push/pull emotional power struggle. We've all been there.

You miss her that's for sure, and no doubt she misses you, but maybe not for the same/sane reasons.

What are you REALLY getting out of this r/s? Trust, empathy, care, support, intimacy? If yes, keep in contact. If something else, then... .

[coffees86]

Mainly intimacy and also support. Her ideas and the way she thinks is very clear to me. Straight forward. When I'm in trouble she can give me solid advice. This might sound strange, but she is really clever. This is what I like.

How to stay in contact if she is ignoring me. I cannot handle more pushing away at the moment, so try not to intervene. But on the other hand really scared she runs too far.

[Clearmind]

I think it would be good you have clarity for yourself too about this relationship. Do you want continue with her? Perhaps you can take her silence and find out for yourself what will be longterm the best for you.

I wonder where your needs are in all this coffee? Accepting a romantic partner is seeing someone else while we are attempting to reconcile would be very hard to accept and I couldn’t.

Can I suggest you take pause and seek out what is you need in a relationship and for your future happiness – removing your GF for the time being.

Your GF is showing all the signs of pulling away – is there a reason why you need to ask her if you need to give her space? Is this something that maybe you need to decide if her pulling away is OK for you and then voice your boundary to her.

What do you miss exactly? Where are you in this relationship?

[coffees86]

"Your GF is showing all the signs of pulling away – is there a reason why you need to ask her if you need to give her space? Is this something that maybe you need to decide if her pulling away is OK for you and then voice your boundary to her."

What do you mean by this? Stating that I need space? I gave her space since I felt something was up. But now doubting she might have felt this as me leaving. Anyhow. It's ridiculous to leave someone you claim to like hanging like this. But in my mind I wonder whether she feels I left her.

I know I shouldn't wonder what she feels. I feel bad since we are not in contact. Might just send her a nice message in a few days when my head is more sober.

[coffees86]

Ok, nevermind, I'm blocked again... .so guessing I should not run after her. She'll come back if she likes. Blocked without any word... .so that leaves her doors open

[Clearmind]

coffee, I guess that is what I was helping you to see. Her actions will be impulsive. Rather than asking her what she wants out of this relationship you maybe need to decide what it is you want and whether this person gives you what you need.

[coffees86]

I guess I do not know. I honestly want to talk about stuff. Since I don't know what's in her mind at the moment. I'm doubting to mail her, but if everything is blocked, why would I bother?

On the other hand, if I do not bother, she might think I do not care. Which is so untrue... .but you can't keep someone from running away. I'm not going to show up there... .come on!