A realization - now feeling really unsettled.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A little background - I've been with my dBPDgf for almost a year, and living together since March.  We are not married, not officially engaged, although she brings up marriage all the time.  A few months ago, I thought we were moving in that direction, but now I feel stuck.  Mentally and emotionally stuck.

My girlfriend was hospitalized for mental illness a few months ago.  They diagnosed her bipolar, gave her medication, and now she goes around saying she is "bipolar" and blames her moods on that.  Yet, the medication has done little to nothing (from what I read is pretty much an indicator of a mis-diagnosis, because bipolar responds well to mood stabilizers).  My gut feeling is that this is all BPD, and until she goes through an intensive DBT program again, her depression and inability to take care of herself won't change.  And I fear I am enabling her, and preventing her from hitting that bottom.

During couples therapy a few weeks ago, she said she felt like I was expecting her to be better before I would ask her to marry me.  I honestly thought at that time that I don't expect or need any change from her, but I do need to feel secure in my gut and that I need to feel changes within myself.  I'm still having a hard time processing the rages from a few months back, the physical violence, and the emotional and financial burden of her daily depression and several times a week statements about killing herself.  I know that I can't expect change in her, but I do know that I am going to need to internally feel better about being with her BPD before I can feel secure.

But in talking with my dad this week made me realize that my main stumbling block moving forward is that I feel no motivation to marry someone who is not happy.  So maybe I do have an expectation - that she finds happiness independent of me. 

And then the other night, she said something that sunk in hard, and maybe I should have an expectation of her in order to protect myself from serious hurt.  She said her whole 4 years living in Korea may have been a manic episode, and that before she went to Korea she was sleeping around a lot and a lot of her friends abandoned her and she was acting out of control.  And through all this there was no realization that it was okay for her friends to abandon her because of her behavior, no realization that she screwed up her own job by fighting with her boss - just blame the illness. 

Hearing that made me feel REALLY insecure, and I think I have a right to feel insecure.  If she is bipolar as she thinks, a manic episode would be very destructive on me.  I should have an expectation that she get her bipolar (assuming that is what it is) under control before I move forward in this relationship.  And if it is BPD, same thing.  Her BPD is not an excuse, and the fact that she is blaming an illness for what are poor choices really troubles me.  I would feel more secure if she said "I made poor choices, and I am doing xyz so that I don't make those poor choices in the future."  Blaming an illness says she is unwilling to change.  Taking ownership of poor choices makes me feel like there is hope.   

After she told me that, she went to bed, and I stayed up almost having an anxiety attack, feeling with 995 certainty that I can't move forward, that I needed things to end ASAP. I seriously considered sleeping on the couch, sleeping at a friends house, because suddenly I did not feel safe sleeping in the same bed as her.  But, I drank a couple of beers, watched some TV, worked on some hobbies, and now I feel a little better.  It's still tough. 

[maxsterling]

A little background - I've been with my dBPDgf for almost a year, and living together since March.  We are not married, not officially engaged, although she brings up marriage all the time.  A few months ago, I thought we were moving in that direction, but now I feel stuck.  Mentally and emotionally stuck.

My girlfriend was hospitalized for mental illness a few months ago.  They diagnosed her bipolar, gave her medication, and now she goes around saying she is "bipolar" and blames her moods on that.  Yet, the medication has done little to nothing (from what I read is pretty much an indicator of a mis-diagnosis, because bipolar responds well to mood stabilizers).  My gut feeling is that this is all BPD, and until she goes through an intensive DBT program again, her depression and inability to take care of herself won't change.  And I fear I am enabling her, and preventing her from hitting that bottom.

During couples therapy a few weeks ago, she said she felt like I was expecting her to be better before I would ask her to marry me.  I honestly thought at that time that I don't expect or need any change from her, but I do need to feel secure in my gut and that I need to feel changes within myself.  I'm still having a hard time processing the rages from a few months back, the physical violence, and the emotional and financial burden of her daily depression and several times a week statements about killing herself.  I know that I can't expect change in her, but I do know that I am going to need to internally feel better about being with her BPD before I can feel secure.

But in talking with my dad this week made me realize that my main stumbling block moving forward is that I feel no motivation to marry someone who is not happy.  So maybe I do have an expectation - that she finds happiness independent of me. 

And then the other night, she said something that sunk in hard, and maybe I should have an expectation of her in order to protect myself from serious hurt.  She said her whole 4 years living in Korea may have been a manic episode, and that before she went to Korea she was sleeping around a lot and a lot of her friends abandoned her and she was acting out of control.  And through all this there was no realization that it was okay for her friends to abandon her because of her behavior, no realization that she screwed up her own job by fighting with her boss - just blame the illness. 

Hearing that made me feel REALLY insecure, and I think I have a right to feel insecure.  If she is bipolar as she thinks, a manic episode would be very destructive on me.  I should have an expectation that she get her bipolar (assuming that is what it is) under control before I move forward in this relationship.  And if it is BPD, same thing.  Her BPD is not an excuse, and the fact that she is blaming an illness for what are poor choices really troubles me.  I would feel more secure if she said "I made poor choices, and I am doing xyz so that I don't make those poor choices in the future."  Blaming an illness says she is unwilling to change.  Taking ownership of poor choices makes me feel like there is hope.   

After she told me that, she went to bed, and I stayed up almost having an anxiety attack, feeling with 995 certainty that I can't move forward, that I needed things to end ASAP. I seriously considered sleeping on the couch, sleeping at a friends house, because suddenly I did not feel safe sleeping in the same bed as her.  But, I drank a couple of beers, watched some TV, worked on some hobbies, and now I feel a little better.  It's still tough. 

[hergestridge]

Change of mind, change of personality, change of sexual habits. It's all BPD traits. It's just easier to see it as an "episode". The bipolar label makes seem uncontrollable.

My BPD wife also met a doctor who gave her a bipolar diagnosis, not caring that bipolarity had been ruled out through trial and error earlier. The patients love it for obvious reasons. Who likes their BPD? And BPD people are (let's face it) ready to belive anything that put themselves in a better light. They gave her lithium, which made her rage less. But she's got all the BPD traits left of course.

It's a bit speculative to say that four years of your life should be a manic episode. More likely she will have to look to her personality traits. Actually, it would propably do her good to stand behind the things she's done in her life. My wife tends to reject her past, which I think is because she doesn't want to take responsibility for it.

[Clearmind]

Max, marrying her will not change anything and maybe the idea of marriage should be taken off the table for now until things stabilise. Also consider using protection - pregnancy entrapment is a possibility.

What is important is to have a life independent of her as well - its common to become enmeshed and loose all perspective of what you want.

Your GF is diagnosed - is she taking any responsibility for her illness?

[WalrusGumboot]

max, you definitely want to be sure she doesn't get pregnant, as ClearMind brings up.

I think you are getting a picture of what your marriage would be like, except now she is still treading carefully since you two are essentially unattached legally. I would predict it gets worse once the "I DO"s are exchanged.

You only have a year invested in this relationship. I think it is probably a good time to think about what YOU want out of a long term relationship, and whether those needs are being met.

[an0ught]

Hi maxsterling,

wise words from my fellow posters.

And then the other night, she said something that sunk in hard, and maybe I should have an expectation of her in order to protect myself from serious hurt.  She said her whole 4 years living in Korea may have been a manic episode, and that before she went to Korea she was sleeping around a lot and a lot of her friends abandoned her and she was acting out of control.  And through all this there was no realization that it was okay for her friends to abandon her because of her behavior, no realization that she screwed up her own job by fighting with her boss - just blame the illness. 

Not sure where she is on her way of dealing with the diagnose and with the treatment. You judge her hardly on her reasoning and taking responsibility and of course you are right - she is not seeing her role clearly. Another perspective is that she is starting to reflect on her life and what has been going on. And while her view is distorted on what has been driving her she begins to realize that some aspect of her behavior were unusual. There are multiple layers of distortion heaped on another and it will take more than just one insight for her to see the reality clearer. It will be a long process if she is sticking with it. At the moment she is doing baby steps.

Hearing that made me feel REALLY insecure, and I think I have a right to feel insecure.  If she is bipolar as she thinks, a manic episode would be very destructive on me.  I should have an expectation that she get her bipolar (assuming that is what it is) under control before I move forward in this relationship.  And if it is BPD, same thing.  Her BPD is not an excuse, and the fact that she is blaming an illness for what are poor choices really troubles me.  I would feel more secure if she said "I made poor choices, and I am doing xyz so that I don't make those poor choices in the future."  Blaming an illness says she is unwilling to change.  Taking ownership of poor choices makes me feel like there is hope.   

After she told me that, she went to bed, and I stayed up almost having an anxiety attack, feeling with 995 certainty that I can't move forward, that I needed things to end ASAP. I seriously considered sleeping on the couch, sleeping at a friends house, because suddenly I did not feel safe sleeping in the same bed as her.  But, I drank a couple of beers, watched some TV, worked on some hobbies, and now I feel a little better.  It's still tough. 

Being able to protect yourself physically, financially and emotionally can be very important in a relationship with a pwBPD. There are some moments when this becomes very painfully clear  .

Can you think about commitment in less than the whole bundle (marriage) b&w terms?

[dontknow2]

Hello maxsterling,

Very tough situation... .You are much healthier and smarter about it than I was. It sounds like your instincts are doing you well too.

I wish my dBPDxh could relate his behavior to illness. This would at least lead him in a direction of getting help. He was diagnosed 10 years ago with BPD, is a classic severe case (rages, addictions, suicidal, etc.), but is still saying 'This is who I am. Love it or leave it.'. Just thought it could help you to see it from a different angle while deciding next steps.

Take care of yourself.