I vent when its going bad... what about when things are ok?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been writing on here when trouble raises its ugly head. Now its time to maybe share a positive thought? I have been workign hard on a few things that I can say have been very benficial. I have discussed with my uBPDw about her feeling and what is going on when she feels unconnected. In doing so I have found ways I can support her and be there for her.  What I have not done yet is find a way to draw a certainline that says "this is going a bit far and I am being taken advantage of" 

Now might be a good time to do that exact thing and lay down a boundry that is now coming up again. That being her coming to see me at work. I don't have any issue with this to a certain degree. However in out handbook it is discouraged that we allow for this to happen.  Now as a non I read that as no you should not do that.  As a BPD might see it as "discouraged doesn't me no so only you are keeping me from going there so you are hiding something"   Her words were "I can't understand that.  How can you work at a place that says no outside people are allowed! That's stupid. You not letting me come there makes me suspicious of you even being there. I can't stand it."   So how can this conversation go on? Will there be a rage for being told no? Is there a way to say no that gets me off the hook? Porbably not.

[Cipher13]

I have been writing on here when trouble raises its ugly head. Now its time to maybe share a positive thought? I have been workign hard on a few things that I can say have been very benficial. I have discussed with my uBPDw about her feeling and what is going on when she feels unconnected. In doing so I have found ways I can support her and be there for her.  What I have not done yet is find a way to draw a certainline that says "this is going a bit far and I am being taken advantage of" 

Now might be a good time to do that exact thing and lay down a boundry that is now coming up again. That being her coming to see me at work. I don't have any issue with this to a certain degree. However in out handbook it is discouraged that we allow for this to happen.  Now as a non I read that as no you should not do that.  As a BPD might see it as "discouraged doesn't me no so only you are keeping me from going there so you are hiding something"   Her words were "I can't understand that.  How can you work at a place that says no outside people are allowed! That's stupid. You not letting me come there makes me suspicious of you even being there. I can't stand it."   So how can this conversation go on? Will there be a rage for being told no? Is there a way to say no that gets me off the hook? Porbably not.

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher: glad to hear things are going well for now - enjoy it!     

About your wife visiting your work, allowing her to visit will not cure anything because her insecurities are irrational.  If the employee handbook discourages outside people from visiting and if it is not the norm for spouses to visit, I would encourage you to stand firm in not allowing her to visit.  If spouses do visit your office on a routine basis, I wouldn't see any need to actively keep your wife away.  Regardless of what you do, she may dysregulate and rage at you, but you have the tools such as SET and walking away from abuse, so you can handle it - hang in there!

[Cipher13]

Loks lliek our income may be cut in half. She is begging to quit. I had enough and said fine quite then if you can't take it anymore. We will see if she actually does. I am keeping it on her as to if its to hard and she can't do it any more then quit. If I keep on that its her desicion and that there are consiquences of whatever decision she makes then its off my hands. I just as sick of hearing about how it makes her unhappy just as much as I do at times.

[GaGrl]

Is she about to get fired?

[Cipher13]

The company is a little low on the cash they projected for th emonth. The future numbers are ok and on target. They are just pressuring all the Directors as usuall when money is tight. But they do that even when its not tight also.

[GaGrl]

So she is under pressure at work and deflects it by unloading on you?

[Waddams]

How about performing instead so when they start looking for low hanging fruit to cut away, she isn't one the casualties?

[Cipher13]

Here is the funny part. She does perform probably better than most. I really think its the paet where they are tellingher what to do that is the real problem. "You shoud be doing this and that" Thats what she complains bout the most is hoe they comunicate.  She is well aware of the numbers and does what she needs to in a tough economic climate. The programs she sells are not cheap and i'm surprised she sells as many as she does.

Anyway she is backto pressuring to come to my work. Today I am telling her I was told I can not allow personal visitors. Company policy. I'm sure that will begin her day off on the wrong foot and I will be to blame.  Fully aware and expecting that.  2 other things she brought up last night. She would like me to be more physically connected to her emotional needs. More so than I usually bu tin a romantic way. The other is that the warning statement of "I am suspicious of x or y or z becasue you didn't respond to me imediately" is back. I guess in never went  away it was masked by somethign else or that need wasn't as strong at the time. Until now. Lets just say I can meet these needs. (Aside form her comeing to work). Even if that one I know deep down it won't make a bit of difference over time. It will then be a greater demand then a greater.  At some poitn I am going to have to tell her I'm done. I have doen all that you want and its not enough. Time to look at yourself that might have the problem.

[Pearl55]

Cipher13

As probably you know, your wife's visiting your work place is nothing to do with you is her lack of OBJECT CONSTANCY. She will do it with every man in her life. You cannot make a reason with her, that's a futile exercise.

Why you are worried about her rag? You should command your respect. If she rags, take the exit for couple of hours or even for 1 night and turn your phone off. She is only a 3 year old with almost no boundaries. You cannot let a toddler to run and ruin your life!

These are not my words I've been told by my psychiatrist. I did try them with my husband which was very difficult as he used to block my way out and I didn't have a power to exit but I tried it so many times, stayed in my car or in a hotel for one night. That made him to rag less.

You should be assertive and if you are afraid of her rags and she knows it, she will use it against you. Being more gentle and nice to them cause them to see you as a very weak person.

[Cipher13]

You should be assertive and if you are afraid of her rags and she knows it, she will use it against you

Yes you are of course 100% correct here. I did try this one time. And becasue we were in the car going down the highway 1 hr away form home in blinding rain storm I had no other option to stop her yelling at me than to tell to stop or I will not respond. So she tested that. For 45 mins I ignored her. She was livid. Then when it was all said and doen she told me she didn't here me say that.  Wouldn't a normal person eventually stop yelling a screaming and crying for a few minutes if the other won't repond. 

I have i tin me but that took a toll. If she indeed didn not hear me then there si a little fault with how i reacted to that situation but at the same time continuing to scream a a person that is dead silent should tell you soemthing. 

She did not like my responce about not being able to come to see me at work. Her reply: "I wish I could believe that there is nothing gong on there but your work is a major issue for me.  I hate you working there.  I hate your job I hate Canada and you ever having to go there I hate all the people in Canada and again most of all I hate you working at this place.  This place that has locked me out which increases and causes so much dang suspicion around you being there I can't stand it!  I hate you being there!"

Fun Times. Right?  

[Waddams]

"I wish I could believe that there is nothing gong on there but your work is a major issue for me.  I hate you working there.  I hate your job I hate Canada and you ever having to go there I hate all the people in Canada and again most of all I hate you working at this place.  This place that has locked me out which increases and causes so much dang suspicion around you being there I can't stand it!  I hate you being there!

I hope you're paying attention to her words here.  She's basically saying she hates you being inaccessible for any reason for any amount of time.  Notice how everything is painted so black about your job.  She has no object constancy regarding you.  You will not be able to make her feel better about this.  Changing jobs won't help.  The only thing that will is that she has to deal with her own underlying issues and build some object constancy towards you.

What she is fundamentally saying (without being consciously aware of it) is "I'm uncomfortable and scared because I have an issue, but I don't want to deal with my issue, so will you do (x, y, z) so I don't have to deal with my issue."  She's looking for you to save her from having to do something that probably scares the bejeezus out of her.  The problem is you can't.  You can only enable her putting off dealing with herself.

Your work having a no visit policy does not "cause so much dang suspicion around you".  Her issues are where the suspicion comes from.  Only she can do something about it.

[Cipher13]

I hope you're paying attention to her words here

Yes they were pretty clear to me. I was some how able to get her to see (albeit maybe for only th time being) that it won't matter what I am doing or where I work she will feel this way that it isn't where I am at that causing it. I pointed out that the other jobs I have had she has made some similar (but not as direct) comments. Also I had a second job she made me quit (I didn't want to have to work 2 jobs anyway so I guess I was glad to be able to quit) I said you were not comprtable with me there either.

I have seen here BPD issues all trhoug out our relationship but never until a year and half ago knew what was casuing them or why she was acting the way she would. It helps that I know what it is and there are things to help me with it that can eventually help her. But what would realy help is fo rher to finaly see that its not 110% all me. She has a role in this to. Not sure how to find out how to do that.

[Waddams]

But what would realy help is fo rher to finaly see that its not 110% all me.

Yes it would.

Not sure how to find out how to do that.

You can't make her do it.  She has to figure it out on her own.  In my own experience with pwBPD, they weren't too keen on taking personal responsibility.  I think it has to do with them having a very poor image of themselves deep down.  They try to hide it.  But in order to acknowledge they have their own issues, they have to acknowledge they aren't perfect, which lets that poor self image out of the box they keep it buried in. 

It's a very intense sense of self shame they harbor towards themselves, and they have to let it go.  And when they are forced to deal with it, the results usually aren't pretty, at least at first.  Somehow they have to realize that they really aren't the wretched creatures they believe themselves to be, that they can be normal, loveable people just like everyone else, and that it's okay to admit to one's faults because doing so doesn't diminish them.  It only makes it so they grow and become stronger individuals.

[Pearl55]

Cipher13

You cannot make her to see the reality. She is not able to! Most of the time she thinks you are the problem one due to her projection. Sometimes you don't think that you are the crazy one?

You cannot save or fix someone who doesn't want to be saved herself. It's a really hard work and change is really scary for them. When you take all her abuse why she should change? She is ok the way she is and one day if don't tolerate it she will find another victim. She is not a victim to be saved you are the victim.