Need Help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Make a long story short just got of a 1 1/2 rel. with my BPDexgf. She is diagnosed and admits it freely. We moved in together 3 weeks after meeting and have never been apart since... .she went to therapy because she didnt want to loose me, but soon after quit said she can do it on her own... .

I do still love her to a fault as well as her two boys 7 and 8 who both called me dad. She knows how much they love me and I love them so i believe she is having a hard time letting go. We recently broke up a few weeks ago because she said she was sick of hurting me and wants to work on herself getting healthy. We went nc for maybe a week or two ad slowly started talking. I ran into her at the grocery store and it was love all over again. She confessed she still loved me and we went home together and made love... .she said the next day its confusing her and she doesnt want to repeat her cycle with me. I told her i dont either so we decided just to talk... .well talking became flirting which lead to us wanting to see eachother. The last night i saw her was 2 days ago it was like old times her kids were soo happy to see me. We hung out together I cut all their hair (thats what i do for my work) we even all cuddled up in bed and read a bed time story together. It was heaven... .the next day she was acting distant so I asked if she was ok, she said she is getting confused again and needs to step back. She said it feeling like a relationship again, and she just wants to be friends right now. Even though she says she loves me and cant keep her hands off me. I got annoyed at this because it confuses me too. I told her until she figures out how she really feels about me we shouldn't be talking or seeing eachother. 

Now im messed up... .I dont know if what i did is right? should i have just played it cool and not been so eager to fix things or did i do the right thing by saying you need to find out how you really feel.

 

  Also does it make a difference she knows she has BPD and is making a effort not to repeat her mistakes?

Also with every other ex she had she deleted all pictures got rid of all items of that person. but with me she kept everything, even our kissy fb pics.

Her whole family tells me she is having a really hard time with the breakup, and she says doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

Could this actually be a recovering BPD?

[AWest84]

Make a long story short just got of a 1 1/2 rel. with my BPDexgf. She is diagnosed and admits it freely. We moved in together 3 weeks after meeting and have never been apart since... .she went to therapy because she didnt want to loose me, but soon after quit said she can do it on her own... .

I do still love her to a fault as well as her two boys 7 and 8 who both called me dad. She knows how much they love me and I love them so i believe she is having a hard time letting go. We recently broke up a few weeks ago because she said she was sick of hurting me and wants to work on herself getting healthy. We went nc for maybe a week or two ad slowly started talking. I ran into her at the grocery store and it was love all over again. She confessed she still loved me and we went home together and made love... .she said the next day its confusing her and she doesnt want to repeat her cycle with me. I told her i dont either so we decided just to talk... .well talking became flirting which lead to us wanting to see eachother. The last night i saw her was 2 days ago it was like old times her kids were soo happy to see me. We hung out together I cut all their hair (thats what i do for my work) we even all cuddled up in bed and read a bed time story together. It was heaven... .the next day she was acting distant so I asked if she was ok, she said she is getting confused again and needs to step back. She said it feeling like a relationship again, and she just wants to be friends right now. Even though she says she loves me and cant keep her hands off me. I got annoyed at this because it confuses me too. I told her until she figures out how she really feels about me we shouldn't be talking or seeing eachother. 

Now im messed up... .I dont know if what i did is right? should i have just played it cool and not been so eager to fix things or did i do the right thing by saying you need to find out how you really feel.

 

  Also does it make a difference she knows she has BPD and is making a effort not to repeat her mistakes?

Also with every other ex she had she deleted all pictures got rid of all items of that person. but with me she kept everything, even our kissy fb pics.

Her whole family tells me she is having a really hard time with the breakup, and she says doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

Could this actually be a recovering BPD?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're hurting; that sounds very difficult.

It's good she's diagnosed and is aware she's hurting you. Recovery from BPD is difficult and takes time and work, but the prognosis is good for people who stick with it.

You're on the leaving board, which indicates you've decided to leave, and if so, it's best to not communicate with her so you can take care of yourself and process the loss.  If you do want to stay with her and try and make the family you've created work, you might try the tools that are discussed by the folks on the staying board.

The key is don't waffle, make a decision and stick to it, you're the only one with a stable sense of self.  Take care of you!

[necchi]

Welcome awest84

first off sit back and relaxe try to answer and get answers one at a time.

It wonderful that your BPDgf is seeking help no matter what i think about it.

you should take time and read on the main board what BPD is all about, this will answer many of your worries than come back here and give us your feedback's.

because if people start posting replying on your questions i think you will get a little confuse, lets say 45min... .

And NO you didn't Do anything and can't really do anything beside being emphatic. It's the disorder man. Read on... .

[Surnia]

Hi awest84

A warm welcome here also from my side.

I hope you don't mind I moved your thread - you sound more undecided right now to me.

I agree with others here about some reading through the educational material. This could be a start:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD .

The other side is your side: What do you want? I could imagine this is not an easy question. And often it needs some time to find this out.

[Leaf]

Hi awest84,

The last night i saw her was 2 days ago it was like old times her kids were soo happy to see me. We hung out together I cut all their hair (thats what i do for my work) we even all cuddled up in bed and read a bed time story together. It was heaven... .the next day she was acting distant so I asked if she was ok, she said she is getting confused again and needs to step back. She said it feeling like a relationship again, and she just wants to be friends right now.

Maybe she has learned that (perceived) intimacy is triggering for her and what you call heaven might have felt very intimate to her and have triggered her irrational fear of abandonment. I don't know how much insight she has into her disorder, but maybe that's why she just wants to be friends right now. People are her way of coping with her feelings, and staying intimate with someone while trying to recover is like a recovering alcoholic surrounded by alcohol.

Then again it might just be push-pull BPD-behaviour that's heading nowhere. It must be so difficult for you, especially when her sons love you so much. 

Leaf   

[AWest84]

I have actually been reading the posts here for some time aswell as any book I can get my hands on. I know we cant have a real healthy relationship tell she is in therapy and meds. I just miss my boys so much and her... .