How Commom Is It For The Boderline To Accuse The Other Person of Having It

[Gidget]

After getting the Book I Hate You Don't Leave Me it did state that people with this disorder will accuse the other person in their life of having it.

I actually got this book and read it after my daughters last and final assault on me. She had accused me of having this disorder. This book actually was thing thing that gave me insight to what I had been dealing with while she was growing up. I knew something was wrong just didn't know what. Did some counseling with her when she was younger and it was always the same it was about her Father.

It wasn't until I had a consult with a Psychiatrist who actually wrote a book Helping the Client to Forgive and I told him our story all all that I dealt with he stated these were symptoms of Borderline.

I had never heard of this until I was actually accused of it.

It still shakes me sometimes. I literally put myself under a fine tooth and comb reliving everything and everyway I handled situations with her growing up.

I consider myself a pretty rational person who speaks their feelings a problem solver a compromising person. I think I tried an handle things thru out her life in a calm speaking manner where logic didn't make sense to her. I over the years just gave up trying to be rational and explain her distortions of reality on how things happened.

I think if I didn't have my husband her Step Dad for the last 21years I would have truly believed I was crazy.

I still find myself questioning my sanity I worked for 36 years in the Medical Field had no problems speaking to skilled workers and Physicians but I couldn't speak to her.

I think she probably had gone to a counselor. All the things she had accused my husband and I was actually what we had lived with. I think we stood their with our mouths open in disbelief hearing this stuff.

Still at times questioning my own SANITY

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

Gidget,

I would guess that it is very common. That is what they call projecting.  I see my adult daughter doing it all the time.  And, yesterday, she blamed me for her and her brother being so screwed up.  It was my taste crazy men that screwed my kids up.  Those are her words.

My dd says that my choice in men has caused her and her brother to be screwed up.  And, I have issues to pick such awful men.

My dh has been good to her.  He has been painted black.

I have to run for now.  I hope to get back to this later... .

[emomum]

My dd has often accused me of having BPD and said it is my fault she has it genetically, I have suffered from depression and ?mild bi-polar symptoms but a lot of this has been caused by her behaviour. Last weekend she attacked me and was arrested. Again I  feared for my own mental health and have been unable to sleep with worry as after the attack she became psychotic and then suicidal. I am surprised she was released from the police station to find her way home, over 100 miles without seeing a clinician. She refused help from me. She is an adult 22 and therefore it is difficult to insist.

What I have found over the years is that she says the things that she knows will hurt the most at the worst times. It is like they have a special power to floor you when you are weak. I have learned to get strong and not take things personally but it is hard as they so accurately find your weak spot at weak moments.

I try not to voice any anxiety or concern I may have as these issues are used against me later.

Take care x

[emomum]

Sorry forgot to add that each time she has a new counselor/therapist she tells different stories, the counselor or therapist does not know her yet and has to go on what she says, she delights in telling me that the counselor told her I am a destructive influence in her life and she should stop seeing me or that the counselor said my husband was clearly abusive (he was not but had to restrain on occasion) and then again repeating advice the counselor gave. I ignore initially and then ask if she wants me to attend a session with her to help? The answer is always no as she knows

the game would be up.

Again take Care x

[Gidget]

Thanks emomum my daughter has never gotten physical although she accused me of hitting her with a hairbrush at the age of 14years old. Crazy my daughter was never hit in her life. That was an accident throw the brush onto the bed for her after her tantrum because she couldn't find it she moved into the direction of the brush and it hit her in the head. I was mortified it hit her I apologized and told her she moved it was an accident I waited until the next day and again said I was sorry. Can you imagine hearing this as an adult women. Knowing I never hit her I can't even comprehend it. I actually talked to my mother the night before she died we lived in their home while I was a single parent for 14years. They had a 2 family house. When I told my mother this she told me What is wrong with her. You were a good mother. My Mom was a tough women she when have kicked my butt if I wasn't a good mom.

Everything was always good between us until I was dating. I had 2 boyfriends in 14years of being divorced. I dated for the first time 2years after my divorce. I dated a doctor I worked with who died for 4years. I know this affected her. I didn't date again for another 2.5 years after his death. I had one other relationship that ended then I met my husband. My daughter never grow up with men in my bed ever I lived with my Mother she would never had tolerated that. I didn't even bring my boyfriend around until a year after we were dating. yet she accused me of having all these men around crazy. 2 boyfriends in 14years then my husband for 21years.

This man did everything for her and her friends in High School. He built there addition so they would save money after they got married. He is generous and good and was her father when her father was never in her life.

She accused him of fracturing her cat's skull by having the dog roll over on the cat. Crazy my husband stops traffic to save turtles in the road. She accused him of not letting her have shoes in high school. She had to wait until payday. I was out of work and sick on disability until this day as an adult she still swears he held shoes from her.

How can this be he is one of the most generous men I know sent them on vacation and paid handed them a key to a brand new boat was always there. She is a professional person with a college education yet she can not see the distortion of the truth and her lies.

We were always fine until someone came into my life. She did in college admit she tried to destroy my marriage she hated him because he was not her father which abandoned her and only saw her 8times.

I believe she has let this silent treatment go for as long as she has because my husband has about had it. He is so hurt by her lies sick by all he has done for her and her husband and the kids he is just sick of being her emotional wipping post.

he told me to fix the problem first before he goes back it is 21years of this stuff and he can't take it anymore. I believe when he does not run and try and speak to her I pay the price the phone does not get answered and I get punished. I am trying to get him to understand what I have finally figured out what I am dealing with but I think that because he will not run back now after this last attack on me which sent me to the ER with what I thought was a stroke she has punished me.

My marriage went thru hell I can't believe we did not end up divorced.

[Gidget]

Tough when there are grandchildren involved. My oldest granddaughter is seeing the stuff that goes on with her Mother and I. This is very sad since she is very close to my husband and I. I believe she is also realizing and having her own issues with her Mother she tends to confide in us with these things.

The past 2years I have been very careful not to discuss issues of what has happened between her mother and I, not good for the kids. I am trying to maintain some normalcy with them with this situation.

How much do you explain when the topics arise? I learned over the years to remain silent with things with my daughter to her husband to keep peace as I would say love and a relationship with my daughter. He knew nothing of her assaults on me she did them in private. He has always been respectful of me and we had a good relationship.

I since being on this board and all that has happened, decided that I need to start being assertive especially after reading this article here.

It is so frustrating with the holidays and trying to reach out to them with questions about the kids and my daughter's game playing of intentionally not answering the phone when I call, infuriates me. I know this is being done because my granddaughter told me. She had no problems calling me to babysit and I answered but I waited days for when I needed something like a call back.

I told her that to run around to find the kids to answer the phone is unacceptable that she is putting them in the middle of this making them feel bad and being dysfunctional. I told her either answer the phone or let it ring not to put the kids in the middle. This is always one of my punishments when she was angry.

My granddaughter again on the weekend voiced this, my normal would be to let it go and not discuss it with them. This time I told my granddaughter that her mother is angry, this is how she deals with things. I told her that this was not the proper way to handle problems that people need to talk about their problems. I told her never to be afraid to speak how she feels when she is angry, sad, happy but to always tell how she feels and not to hold her feelings inside. I told her that I loved her Mom but how her mother is handling this and showing her that she won't answer the phone is not teaching her how to solve problems. I told her  that both Me and Pop would always be there for her if she wanted to talk.

I think now that I am not around them and I am not her emotional whipping post her emotions are coming out at home. She granddaughter has voice 2years ago Mom and Dad always fight her statement to me was " It is always someone else fault but my Mothers" She blames me and Dad for everything. She is such a good girl great in school. I have seen her became not the happy kid she was 2years ago. She now voices my Dad is a Zombie to my Mom. Funny I had learned to become one to, to keep the peace.

I was shocked when my granddaughter spoke of my daughters father which I just recently learned my granddaughter.  She stated a story where my daughter's father came to a game drunk( she learned my husband is not her real grandfather) I was shocked at this I think my daughter is coming to light and realizing her father was an alcoholic and was not there for her as I finally admitted to her. She also took his name off her facebook account and just kept her marriage name up there. Don't know if this was out of spite or actually out of the fact that she realizes he was only a father in name.

I decided since my granddaughter who is much more emotionally mature for her age I spoke of my daughters father to her. With as much little info as appropriate I tried to explain this is why her mom is angry at me. She believes I kept her Dad from her. That I love her Mom and we will work thru it. I decided that the secrets I kept from my daughter not to bring her pain was what caused some of her problems.

Back to the phone which I lost track of I rang and rang the house no answer I knew they were home just spoke to my granddaughter I need a question about a gift answered. I decided to use my husbands new phone with a new number and they picked up my son In Law.  I told him this was disrespectful of me. I did not treat them that way when they called me I answered. I feel like I finally need to speak up for the way I am being treated.

Numerous text messages last nite about the visit with the kids. Confusing because one call could have stopped the confusion. I told him again if there was a crisis they would ring in a minute like my daughter did in the summer when my grandson got hurt and was in the ER she called Mommy and Mommy ran. I told him to pick up the damn phone treat me with respect like I showed him and stop the phone crap. I told him for college educated people they are acting like immature brats.

My daughter has her husband believing all her lies understandable he is her husband and as he stated Wouldn't you want me to stand by your daughter. True yes I would he just has no idea of the true trauma over the years I went thru with her emotional problems. I think he is just seeing for himself now. He has always been there to see to it the kids and I maintain a normal relationship it is just frustrating because one day I feel like just telling him all that went on in our lives but I know my daughter will do the flip and this will only delay us working if never working out these problems. He just can't see like the counselors say this is about her dad and her abandonment issues she has taken out on me not about me being a horrible Mother to her which I wasn't. The problem I did was treated her like a fragile piece of glass. Not abused her as states

[peaceplease]

My dd blames her illness on my marrying my dh.  She says he is the reason that her and my ds are screwed up.  She says that it is all my fault, and that she did not have problems until I started dating my dh and married him.  I was divorced for 9 years before I even went on a date.  I raised my kids alone.

I remarried my husband when they were teens.  Looking back, I sure made mistakes.  I think that I should have continued to date my husband and not marry until they were done with high school and legally adults. 

My dd has loved/hated my dh.  He does so much for her.  Even when she was horrible to him and not speaking, he still gave her rides.  He says that he does it for me.  My dh does a lot for me.  He helps with my mother, my gs, and was a big help when my brother was dying in hospital.  He stayed with him at nights in the hospital while I was at home with my mother.  He is so good to me.

My dh does have his  issues, and they can be oil/water together.  She says that she can't stand him because one day, he is sugar sweet nice and the next day he is flipping out on her.  I think it depends n his tolerance level, and she is usually the one to provoke.

Today, my dd told me that she can't wait for me to talk to her therapist.  She told me that her therapist agreed with her 100%.  However, that is her version.  Who knows, I may go see her therapist and she will blame me for everything.  It has been done before.  But, my dd is an adult now, and I am not taking any responsibility for her illness.  I sure made mistakes and made things worse with my invalidation.  But, I did not cause it.  My former therapist told me that my dd was born with this, and my marriage did not cause it, either.  It did not help, but it did not cause it.  My ex has suspect BPD/NPD.  She says that my dd inherited it from him.

I think that I have just accepted that this is my cross to bear.  I just hope that she can be at peace with herself.  I hope this new therapist can help her.  It seems like my dd likes her, so that is a good sign.  She has been through several counselors over the last few years.  I would love for her to have one that she trusts, but understands that my dd's perceptions are not reality.

Remember to take time and care for yourself.

peace