Bpd using the kids to engage me

[lost not dead]

It took quite a while but Ive managed to get the exwife to stop coming after me directly. Problem is she is attacking my goddaughter whom she is extremely jealous of and accuses me of having an affair with. The child is 17 and is being hit on social media and email and text. Our daughter that is 14 gets it too but at least she isnt being accused of such  vial things. I swear she is doing it all to engage me but I simply say no its not true please leave the children alone. Then I get the parental alienation crap for trying to protect the kids by asking her to stop or I ll block her.

Have any of you dealt with this and has there been any successful resolution?

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dear Lost not Dead,

How dreadful!   I can't imagine much worse than that.  Perhaps you need to seek legal counsel?  This could be very bad for you AND the kids!

D

[santa]

I haven't dealt with those type of accusations yet, but our daughter is only 18 months old, so only time will tell. From my experience, anything your BPD feels threatened by will be a target. Maybe she's jealous of the youth of the 17 year old. Basically anything you care about that isn't her will be what she lashes out at.

Another possibility is that she's attracted to someone young herself and she is projecting it onto you.

[lost not dead]

My lawyer says record and save everthing I can and let her dig her own grave. Im just afraid of the emotional damage this is causing the kids.

[Changingman]

Record everything,

My xuBPDw used EVERYTHING/EVERYONE nothing was sacred. From spreading innuendos of being sexual around our kids to phoning up customs when I travelled, pretending to be other people on phones, setting of my car at night, still cyber stalks an exgirlfriend of mine 8 years later.

Any emotional connection I had, she tried to hurt. Went low to no contact with her. I kind of bored her away from me. No emotional response leaves them empty again and they have to find it elsewhere.

8+ years later? Just keeping the kids emotionally sound... .

'It's not your fault kids, she is sick.'

Lost not dead,

Of course it's to engage YOU, if she hurts you she feels relief from the hollow, deadness inside HER. These are the emotionally walking dead remember, people are objects, voodoo dolls for her to stick pins into. When that strawman stops jumping she is left, as she has always been, alone with the awful emotional zombie she is. The chaos and hurt returns to where it started... .inside her. Is their an authentic person under all this filth?

Damned if I know?

The riddle of the sphinx(ter),

pain in the ar*e.

Bad to the bone.

[TakingWingAtLast]

My lawyer says record and save everthing I can and let her dig her own grave. Im just afraid of the emotional damage this is causing the kids.

LnD,

So glad you got counsel.  Smart!

Kids are so adaptable.  It's a curse and a blessing.  They may maladapt because they must.   You will simply have to be there when they need you.  And they will.  Be the strong, healthy person you must be.   As they get older they will ask. They will sense that you are healthy and be drawn to you.   The idealization that the ex will use to entrap them will backfire because it's not sustainable.   The painted black the ex will use will backfire because it's not the reality or the truth.   The kids WILL figure this out.   I know it sucks and they are at risk, yet you may not be able to do anything about that unless the ex really screws up.  Take advantage if and when that does occur.  For their sake.

I wish you the best!   Be strong and get healthy!

Just my out loud thoughts!  Feel free to ignore or apply!  I'm no expert, believe me.   

D

[lost not dead]

I do need to turn her in when she attacks. I always hesitated in the past because I did not want to ruin her career or our relationship. Through knifes bats and anything else she could use as a weapon all I did was disarm and restrain her and of course she screamed DV. I now have a new friend called Sony and he is always recording when she is around. So if , I truly hope not, she tries again 911 it is.

[livednlearned]

How awful, for you and for your goddaughter. How is she handling the abuse? Are you able to get screen shots of the posts when your ex posts on social media? There are programs too for recording text messages and saving them on your computer. People here are pretty familiar with different types of programs that work, just in case you need to get a restraining order for your ex to protect your goddaughter.

It's really hard for us to cope with this stuff as adults, and for kids it's especially difficult.

Have you read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak? That's a very helpful book (especially for nons who don't tend to like to assert ourselves) about how to handle assault-type tactics, both covert and overt. It actually taught me a lot that I've modeled for my son -- I sure hope he's paying attention  -- about how to handle difficult situations. Kids need an adult to validate not only what they feel, but their instincts about what is right, what is wrong. And then give them an idea about how best to handle stuff. I've turned into a walking talking tutorial for S12. Probably drives him nuts, but I think he appreciates it. When someone is rude, or we have an odd interaction with customer service, I talk about it out loud. Let him hear my thinking process as I try to figure out what to do, or whether to do anything. Being around codependent people and BPD people sorta holds kids back from developing emotional maturity, which was a hard truth for me to swallow. But I see it making a big difference with S12.

Is your goddaughter able to put this behavior in perspective? How is she handling the onslaught?