Being in a relationship with a borderline is hell beyond reason.  It will take some time to re-learn what life was like before, but you can do it.  We have all come out of these relationships full of doubt, shame, and depression.  I am 6 months out and still struggle with the addiction of a borderline, but it does get better.  Just think of how nice life will be like to not walk on eggshells constantly.  To not fear reactions that come out of nowhere and to be a whole person again.

It is great that you have joined AA, started exercising again, and going back to school.  The walking around like a zombie is all too familiar to me.  I still have times where I feel like I am simply in shock, and that is what it is.  It is not you that is messed up it is that you have lived a life of crazy for so long that you don't know what normal is anymore.  It will get better as long as you take steps to making it better.  Go right ahead and be angry, hurt, and depressed.  Those emotions are all natural considering what you have been through.  It is all part of the proccess and does get better, and then one day you get to take a deep breath and say "WOW that was crazy I'm so glad to get my life back."

thank you emotion.  I appreciate it.

Is it normal for you to feel like you are crazy?  Do they sometimes hypnotize us into thinking that?  Or is this their projection onto us?

Perhaps you should have look on the main board to get acquainted with BPD behaviors. You will get it all.

BTW welcome!

Thank you so much Perfidy. I couldn't stop crying the whole time I read your post.  I may sound like a sissy, but it's been a LONG time coming and once the tears start they don't stop it seems, lately.  I guess the truth is setting me free right now, but it's tears of pain, a conscious realization I know what to do, and hope.  Hope that I will have a better life without her and hope that I will love again one day.  Thank you, thank you, thank you

Thanks Aussie,

I appreciate that.  I went to my son's basketball game tonight.  I sat on the opposite side of the gym.  Hugged my son, told him good luck before the game.  Kissed him, told him how proud of him I was after the game. talked a little about christmas and what he wanted from Santa, bought him a powerade and left.  Didn't say a thing to or look at her.

It's funny, she painted me black to many of the mom's at the playground where my house is located near.  Since splitting, she is living at her sister's house on the other side of our city, and now has my son at a new different playground. 

My son has many friends that he has made over the last 4-5 years at the old playground, but is this normal?  Will a BPD mom change playgrounds, schools, houses, etc over their son's lives.  If so, it pisses me off, I grew up with Dave from down the street, and we played ball together and went to school together.  Guess, I just want my son to grow up normally with steady, long-lasting  friendships.

Is the lack of closure from these women due to the fact that they want to leave the future open just in case they need you and try to recycle you later on?

Walking away is closure - your closure. You cut the cord - be very proud.

You will have a "phantom chord" for some time but gradually the pain will lessen. Getting sober and other good things are great but don't forget to grieve.

Congrats.

Yes and it's called gas lighting. I almost believed her.

I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

The FOG started to lift after she left and I started seeing things for what they were. Controlled contact helped me (I have kids, can't go full NC).

Controlled contact for me.

I created an email address for the kids and blocked the ex from my personal email. That way everything is tracked by email. I don't have everything mixed into one e-mail inbox and seperate. I can use it later for my lawyer if I need to. Not everything needs a response either right away. Let the emails pile up if need be, respond to what needs a response. I usually wait for a day. Short to the point, business like. No ambiguity.


I document everything on Google Calendar. It's uploaded automatically from my smartphone and documented on the cloud as well, in case said phone crashes and I can pull it up anywhere.

No phone calls unless it's an emergency for the kids. She has called with non-emergency issues, more to berate me on the phone. I let everything go to voice-mail and I don't call her back, if there is something that needs a response, I e-mail it.

I blocked her from texting.

I've blocked her from social networking.

I only talk to her about the kids and don't respond/engage about anything else. I don't respond to her even if she is trying to be nice. Nothing. I have on the occasion responded but it's lose/lose. Don't be hard on yourself if you slip and keep doing it.

I don't go to her door to pick up the kids because I'm afraid that she may falsely accuse me of something (i,e. Mutt tried to hit me etc... .) she has raged at me 2x when I picked up the kids, followed by voicemails because she was dysregulated and projecting, I didn't respond to either. I validated the kids about the ex's behavior and went on my way, thanks to the advice of this board.

I keep a voice recorder (app on smartphone) if she drops the kids off at my house.

I don't co-parent. I parallel parent to minimize conflict/control/drama.

I'm still in litigation with family courts, but I want everything in a parenting order/schedule to minimize conflict. Be specific and remove ambiguity as to not leave things open to interpretation, because ambiguity will be exploited.

I was at a student led teacher conference a few weeks back fro D7 and S5. I didn't go with her or at the same time as her, I made my own appointment. I went back to my son's teacher's room because he was there and with STBX, to wish him goodbye. She purposely tried to talk to me, I nicely said "I got everything I needed for S5 from the teacher" and walked away.

I don't speak bad about mom or alienate her when the kids are with me, but I ignore her as well.

I spoke to her once in person since she left and briefly on the phone in the last 11 months?

I hope that helps arn131arn.


-Mutt

P.S. Give yourself closure. Validate yourself in the relationship.

Thanks Aussie0zborn! There are times I thought I'm being too strict but no more games. STBX "why don't you call or come to the door like a normal person?" It's about protecting me and not getting into trouble for a false allegation. I'm thinking about the kids. She can't think about the consequences about what she's feeling and lashing out and the impact she has on someone's life. You don't think that you have an issue and don't want to get help? Fine. I'm taking my ball and going home.