Me and my wife

[empathic]

Me and my wife went out Xmas shopping and had a coffee when after a while she suddenly said she agreed to go to CC (I've asked her for this before but she refused). I thought it was a good idea before, but I'm not entirely sure at the moment. I had just started to look for a T for myself. Could really need some input on this.

The rest of the conversation went downhill as usual as she was triggered by a comment I made about my family. She then started to complain about my mother, my sister, me, it's so muddled up so I didn't know what to respond to! She became fairly dysregulated at the café and looked like she was going to cry. I asked her if maybe she could benefit from going to a T herself to deal with the stress she's feeling. At first she refused but later in the convo it seemed like she could be open for it.

She brought up an incident that happened 2-3 weeks ago according to her, where she thought I had snubbed her off. She then got really upset with me that I did not remember it. I usually have a very good memory for these kinds of things, but I can honestly say I don't recall that at all. I held my ground this time and let her be angry.

We then continued with the Xmas shopping and when meeting up an hour later it seemed like the convo had never taken place.

[Surnia]

Hi empathic

I would prefer too T sessions for both or at least for yourself. CC is often a very difficult road without single T sessions first.

I think you handled it well in the cafe. Better to suggest T in such a context, to point out the benefits.

[empathic]

Hi empathic

I would prefer too T sessions for both or at least for yourself. CC is often a very difficult road without single T sessions first.

I think you handled it well in the cafe. Better to suggest T in such a context, to point out the benefits.

Thanks. Yes, I think CC will be difficult as she's so clearly stressed out and overwhelmed right now. I might be able to talk her into pursuing individual T. She has taken up a few times that she wants me to go see a doctor because she thinks I'm depressed (and she thinks I will be put on AD). I tried telling her that it might not be so simple, that there are often underlying issues that might be the root cause of depression. Then she got irritated with me.

I'm really at my wits end here. My wife's now been away for a couple of days, and it's been soo nice to be able to meet with my family and actually do some mental healing. Now I dread the moment she'll come back, later today. *sigh*

[Surnia]

Hi empathic

I am honest I have mixed feelings about talking someone into T. What I mean is more like a suggestion. At the end she has to make it on her own.

Same for you.

I can relate very much with the relief about being alone some days. I had similar thoughts the last year in my now finished marriage. I went to a T in my marriage to find out how I can deal better with my H and it turned to the topic: Do I want to be in this relationship or not?

[empathic]

Hi empathic

I am honest I have mixed feelings about talking someone into T. What I mean is more like a suggestion. At the end she has to make it on her own.

Same for you.

I can relate very much with the relief about being alone some days. I had similar thoughts the last year in my now finished marriage. I went to a T in my marriage to find out how I can deal better with my H and it turned to the topic: Do I want to be in this relationship or not?

True, I probably can't make her go to T. What I can (and probably) will do is start T myself and suggest she do the same, to prepare for CC later on.

I don't think she's comfortable in making it on her own, she never really has been. I think she's used relationships as a way to not have to deal with her own problems (me speculating). She doesn't like to be alone. She too might be mourning what we once had, but she cannot see her part in it, the effect her temper and comments have had on me.

And she's changed a lot over the years. Before, after losing her temper she'd come out of it and be extra nice for a while. Nowadays she never does that. It's like she thinks she's right about everything now, and never needs to apologize. The little empathy she had back then is gone.

A probable outcome of my T can be as you say, that I prepare to end the relationship. But it will be hard, my wife has serious issues with abandonment and I can't see her making it easy on any of us.

[Surnia]

Yes, it is hard. Being undecided is a very difficult place to be. 

To continue the rs like this let us feel hopeless and thinking about separation is scary and conflicted.

Btw. Did you see the resources on the right side? -----> Perhaps you can find there some inputs too.