So near, so far...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, I just wanted to just make a topic here for a few reasons. It's    nd it's very hard being alone/recovering from the BPD apocalypse when you should really be happy at this time. That as well as the fact that tomorrow would have been   the six year anniversary of our togetherness - I was thinking about contacting the exdBPD and just sending a few things her way. There's so much I have learned and gleaned, partly from the Family here, but it would mean obliterating such good progress, I mean, I'm nearly 4 months no contact now (to endure, one must last: Ernest Hemingway) and I know anything I wrote to her would be so relevant and crucial, I just have that way with words and just a nose for the truth and the eye for the  simplicity of right and wrong - I would just put a few things to her, but I know that would spoil the NC and would also probably open a lot of wounds/windows for more words... .gah, I just don't know, I feel so strongly writing her but ... .it's like to be or not to be - to write or not write! They both have their own implications, and it's like being in between the devil and the deep blue sea - has anyone else has this dilemma nearing a 'got together anniversary?' I know it's a commonplace dilemma to break/not break NC anyway, but just on the back of an impending anniversary... .I probably won't write her, NC is NC, but I fear she might write (if she's not wrapped up in that denial process still) and in which case I might let all I feel go her way, but to just do it unsolicited and initiated by me, well that could be difficult. It's hard, I'm close to it, I'm telling you.

[allweareisallweare]

Well, I just wanted to just make a topic here for a few reasons. It's    nd it's very hard being alone/recovering from the BPD apocalypse when you should really be happy at this time. That as well as the fact that tomorrow would have been   the six year anniversary of our togetherness - I was thinking about contacting the exdBPD and just sending a few things her way. There's so much I have learned and gleaned, partly from the Family here, but it would mean obliterating such good progress, I mean, I'm nearly 4 months no contact now (to endure, one must last: Ernest Hemingway) and I know anything I wrote to her would be so relevant and crucial, I just have that way with words and just a nose for the truth and the eye for the  simplicity of right and wrong - I would just put a few things to her, but I know that would spoil the NC and would also probably open a lot of wounds/windows for more words... .gah, I just don't know, I feel so strongly writing her but ... .it's like to be or not to be - to write or not write! They both have their own implications, and it's like being in between the devil and the deep blue sea - has anyone else has this dilemma nearing a 'got together anniversary?' I know it's a commonplace dilemma to break/not break NC anyway, but just on the back of an impending anniversary... .I probably won't write her, NC is NC, but I fear she might write (if she's not wrapped up in that denial process still) and in which case I might let all I feel go her way, but to just do it unsolicited and initiated by me, well that could be difficult. It's hard, I'm close to it, I'm telling you.

[Waifed]

Write what you want to say and hold the letter for a few days. Hopefully by then you won't want to send it. Good luck.  Holidays are really difficult.

[necchi]

Write one to yourself,why would you think she deserves any acknowledgement from your part ? Even if she reply in sweets, the future outcomes wil be the same has the past.

[Tricky]

Allweareisallweare, I feel for you and the dilemma you have. My advice, for what it's worth, is don't contact her. Anniversary or not, you have endured 4 painful months of NC, don't blow it now. And whatever you want to say, no matter how insightful or articulate, will make her see the light or take responsibility for her emotions and behavior. And there is the ever present danger of being sucked back into her orbit, whether you think you're done with her or not. NC is hard and painful to maintain, but easy to break.

What's the point of any contact? There is never any closure with a pwBPD, they don't hear rational points, they make their own truth based on their current emotional state, they are not open to anything that makes them feel ashamed or points out their maladapted traits. She won't hear your well crafted words as you intended them.

After reading posts on this board about members breaking NC, and from my own recent painful experience, I feel that 99% of the time the contact is about our need for a 'fix' of them and the hope that they have changed. No matter what we say to ourselves, or post here, that's what it seems to be about. We forget the hurt, anger and the destructive influence they have, and like recovering addicts we think we can just have a little drink/line/toke/contact and get away with it. Beware, be aware.

Apologies, this seems to be turning into a rant. I'm just so mad at myself for breaking 3 long months of NC and putting myself through more pain and letting the FOG descend again. My weakness, my delusions, my bad bad habit.

Allweareisallweare (long name to type!), it's your choice, and we're all different, but whatever you do, do it with awareness.

Best wishes

[love4meNOTu]

What's the point of any contact? There is never any closure with a pwBPD, they don't hear rational points, they make their own truth based on their current emotional state, they are not open to anything that makes them feel ashamed or points out their maladapted traits. She won't hear your well crafted words as you intended them.

^^^This... .please don't try. I can tell you I did this early in November and he was still the angriest, most deluded person I have ever had the misfortune to meet. He was exceedingly cruel. I do not want you to have to go through that. They are delusional, they cannot accept any responsibility for what they have done, to do so would be to split themselves black, and their ego cannot allow it. If they feel more shame it would cause them to be suicidal. It's a coping mechanism you cannot fight or comprehend, because you do not have BPD.

Please learn from me... .it hurt terribly. I will never go there again. He didn't hear me when we were together, and he does not hear me now.

L

[allweareisallweare]

Many thanks for the advice - it was important. I think that understanding, experience and insight given on here over the last four months has been crucial. I owe it to myself not to contact the person be cause I know it will be like hitting my head against a brick wall. I'd be all effusive, she'd be all evasive and projecting the blame onto me - when I am (relatively) healthy and never sought a replacement and went through the process - I'll be honest, my deep-rooted opinion is, even in so-called healthy people/non-BPDs, to seek a rebound as she did after ten days would be considered abnormal, desperate all the rest, but she's diagnosed so it's irrelevant, I guess.

It's been aptly pointed out that they never learn, and who am I to surmount an out-and-out cluster B type personality disorder? If it's broke, DON'T fix it! So I shall keep schtum, although I shall find it hard to not break the silence should I received any mail/my family are crept upon again. 

 

Four months is incredible - it will only get to four years if I don't slip back.

I'd just correct so many notions that the person has about themselves - they see themselves as liberal, Buddhist, animal-loving, when in fact they have no emotional intelligence, no or little ability to express compassion and certainly empathy - I must have a shred as since I feel this void for closure, for acceptance of a few key points which have arose since no contact, but sometimes the quest for truth ends in failure, or at least it remains un-found.

 

I'm incredibly grateful for the family here - I also don't think that the 'outside' world has any understanding, at least I haven't seen much. I have given up on that.

I'm focusing on getting my cat in early 2014 :P