The worst christmas gift ever

[Mcgddss]

Sorry for the rant - but I need to do this somewhere and only the people on this page understand.

I am being taken to the cleaners by my STBX UBPDH - He abused me for two years and now I have to share our children 50/50 and pay him child support because he is unemployed because of his BPD and inability to do what others (like a boss) tell him.

I am at that point where I can't seem to catch a break and everyone else thinks it is a normal divorce and things will get better.

It is not a normal divorce, he is getting away with continuing to treat me like dirt and I know I can't take anymore and don't deserve any of it.

I still have to go to work full time and act like everything is normal for my kids - who he is telling that I am mentally ill.

I know so many of you will say it is going to get better - but remember back to your lowest point and realize that is not what you wanted to hear then either.

[ForeverDad]

Yeah, been there, felt that. :'(  I'm in what seems to be phase 4 of my separation & divorce.  I've been waiting almost 2 months for court to rule on my Motion for Parenting Time Modification.  I had thought rulings had to be made within 30 days but recently found out that state law allows for courts to take up to 120 days to issue a decision.  It took me 18 months for Change in Circumstances and gaining custody.  Far simpler Parenting Time Modification could be up to 19 months.  If all goes well, my son will have an appropriate order in 2014 (about age 12) that should have happened back in 2005 (age 3) or 2006 (age 4) or even 2008 (age 6) or 2011 (age 9).

It's indescribable that the court seems to ignore the real issues, they're motre intent on settlements rather than the best outcomes for the children.  The court process works for the majority of divorces, the 85-95% that are somewhat normal and not that extreme, but can't switch gears to handle the worst cases.

Many here speak how fathers have so much trouble since courts often seem so willing to have a gender default.  Others such as LivednLearned are not of my gender and also report problems, so it seems the courts also dance around the disordered squeaky wheel.  A two-in-one problem.  The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving properly seldom gets credit.

As unhelpful as it sounds, ongoing moral support, both local and here with peers, does help.  Meanwhile keep documenting.  Court will ignore a lot of the lesser issues but as you build up a list of incidents and even Contempts of Court, Round 2 may be better.

[Matt]

Sorry but I gotta say it - it will get better.

If... .you stay strong and work at it, to make it better.  Not all at once - you can't fix it quickly - but over time... .

I could tell you my story - glad to do it - false accusations, jail (for both of us), all our money gone, kids very upset and acting out, no income... .

The lowest point was about seven years ago.  It was very tough for quite a while.  Now the kids are with me most of the time, and they're doing very well.  I'm recovering financially and we have a nice home.  Things are not easy but good.

Where does the legal process stand for you?

How is your ex still abusing you - by getting child support?

Is 50/50 final?

Do you have a good attorney?

And how are your kids doing?

[Matt]

Oh and by the way - our marriage crashed and burned just a few days before Christmas too.  9 days before Christmas, I spent the night in jail, and finally realized the marriage could not be saved.  I was released but ordered not to set foot on the property - my home which I had paid for - every $ for ten years came from me but I could not go back there or see my kids there.

Two days before Christmas, one of my kids called and told me there was no Christmas tree.  So I picked her up and went to get a tree, and when my wife was gone we snuck it into the house and set it up and the kids decorated it.  If my wife had come home and called the police I would have gone back to jail and probably would have stayed there through the holidays, but we got it done and I left, and my kids had a tree so Santa Claus could come.

It was horrible - I had to pretend for the kids - but I got support from family and friends - I wish I knew about this place then!  And over the next few weeks it got a little better, and then over the years better and better.

[ugghh]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I am myself only out of the house for 18 days of my house but I am getting better each day.  Today I went Christmas shopping for my kids and my family with whom I am spending Christmas and it was awesome.  I have done the shopping for years despite the fact that my uBPDw (stbxw) is a teacher who is off for the holidays.

The best thing about this year?  I was not barraged with texts and phone call wondering what was taking me so long to get home.  Of course getting home meant time to put up and decorate the tree and wrap the gifts because she was too busy to be bothered with that either.

My kids are older, late teens, and they all know what their mom is really concerned with - herself.  Hang in there and keep up the good fight.  Some day your kids will appreciate it.

[livednlearned]

The year after filing for legal separation was the worst. I walked out of mediation in a state of shock that someone like N/BPDx, a raging alcoholic (the courts would care about that, at least I thought they would) could end up with EOW + 1 overnight. This is a man who defecated on himself in bed after drinking an amount that would kill most people, and passed out in his own front yard one Saturday afternoon while trying to fill a bird feeder. We went from talking about supervised visitation for 3 hours Sat and Sun, to agreeing on 6 overnights every 2 weeks. It was gut-wrenching. I wasn't a very assertive person then, and felt so backed into a corner I actually told the mediator to go f@#k herself. It was one of the more shocking moments of my life.

The thing is, you keep chipping away at it until it levels out where it should have been the first time. It seems like a lot of pwBPD, at least on this board, can't hold it together. After mediation, I sharpened up and started to train for round 2 and eventually got full custody.

What will probably happen in your case is that even though he has 50/50, he will find excuses for why the kids can't stay with him. He doesn't really want them, but you probably already know that. He will want to keep the child support, though. So then you document that. Quietly. Over a period of a year or so. Then you go to court and say, "I had the kids 85% and he had them 15%. Let's adjust the child support." Because he is BPD, he will not pay close attention to how things work, and will not realize that custody is negotiable, that nothing is final. So he won't be careful, and you will, and he'll lose.

It isn't fair. Courts are crude instruments, they aren't fair, they can't see clearly, and they make it hard (and expensive) to try and sort out their mistakes.

Sorry you got a bad outcome, Mcdggs. Use the anger to give you focus and strength to turn this around. I think anger is what broke my people pleaser in two. I grew a titanium backbone and got rid of the foam core one, and that's probably a lifetime investment no one can take away.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's pretty much the strategy my attorney recommended, and it's worked pretty well.  I settled for 50/50, because in my state that's about the best a father can get.  Then over time the kids spent more and more time with me, for a bunch of reasons, none of them very good.  Like their mom moved and didn't get the internet hooked up - she makes plenty of money but said she couldn't afford it - so the kids have to come to my house to do their homework online.  And she picked a place really far from their school, and I got one close, so after school they walk home to my house, even on weeks they're supposed to be with her.  Plus a million other "reasons" that aren't really reasons - they spend more and more time here and it works out pretty well.

I never went back to court as LnL suggests, to get child support changed - maybe I should have but I didn't want to rock the boat - you can decide that later.

For right now I think LnL's basic idea - consider what's happened so far to just be the first round and keep working steadily toward a better situation - is best.

Usually, we don't win.  The disordered party loses.  He'll do something that will shift things in your direction, if you give him enough chances.

[ForeverDad]

How is child support supposedly being calculated?  He needs to be imputed with an income he is capable of earning.  Failing that, or combined with that, his disability and any disability money he gets for his children should also be included.  Just because you work and he chooses not to work or finds excuses/paperwork not to work.

If you're in mediation or settlement talks, I know how it feels.  You're under pressure to settle, that no one can predict with certainty what a judge might rule if it went to trial.  That's what I faced.  I felt there really was going to be a trial, all or nothing.  However, on trial morning ex stopped her silence and obstruction - no more delays possible - and said she would settle.  So then I was faced with two choices, settle for 50/50 shared custody or go for the trial.  Odds were that I could have gotten custody, well maybe, I was a father and even though the custody evaluation was solidly on my side, the magistrate could still have decided otherwise.  Two years earlier he had given ex a very favorable temp order - twice - once for the separation and again for the start of the divorce.  He studiously ignored all the wrong things she did.

What I'm saying is that if you're not yet at an impending trial then now may not be the time to settle - yet.  I would never have gotten a decent settlement either in ordered mediation nor in ordered settlement conferences.  My ex was simply too entitled and not under any pressure to sincerely negotiate.  That couldn't happen until all other options were used up.  My settlement was virtually "on the court house steps" as I walked in for the trial.  Only then was it possible to work out a settlement that was even halfway decent.

[Mcgddss]

The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving properly seldom gets credit.

ForeverDad I couldn't have said it better myself.  Harder still is trying to explain this fact to my family. 

[Mcgddss]

Sorry but I gotta say it - it will get better.  Where does the legal process stand for you?  How is your ex still abusing you - by getting child support?  Is 50/50 final?  Do you have a good attorney?  And how are your kids doing?

Thanks Matt for the reminder - I am on this board so I can hear from others that it got better.  We have finished our first mediation and then the holidays happened so we are in a bit of a holding pattern. 

My ex has had the keys to our safe (as well as most of the contents) for 6 months.  He keeps saying he will bring them, then saying he lost them, then saying I have them - on & on.  I just sent that one to my lawyer today.

The child support thing is state mandated, so I don't feel as bad about that, but he is trying to hide over $3,000 from a savings account he had.

My attorney is good, but everyone seems to be bending to his temper tantrums.

The kids are amazing but are hitting the point where they want to be with him, but are miserable when they are with him - they want their old dad back, and until he admits something is wrong, he is just getting worse.

[Mcgddss]

Today I went Christmas shopping for my kids and my family with whom I am spending Christmas and it was awesome. 

The best thing about this year?  I was not barraged with texts and phone call wondering what was taking me so long to get home. 

I so feel this - last year he got angry at me for getting the kids too much for Christmas.  Then we were financially well off and I had hardly gotten them half of what most kids get.

This year I slept in Christmas morning (since he has the kids until January) and it was such a relief not doing everything myself Christmas Eve.  Being a giving person, maybe it is the selfishness that is hardest to deal with.

[VeryFree]

Don't let him get to you. Similar story overhere:

I can pay for my ex. She doesn't work.

I want to settle, and did a very good proposal for her. I don't really care about the money, but I want her out of my life.

Besides that I want some of my belongings back.

Guess what: she gave them back... . but... . a lot of them were missing and she denies the existence. In other words: she doesn't want to settle, even if she financially is much better of that way. She just wants to irritate me, just wants to keep her emotionally influence on me.

Too bad for her it doesn't work: it irritates the h*ll out of me, but not on a deep emotional level. It's like a buzzing musquito in your bedroom: annoying, but sooner or later you know it will be away.

Hang in there. Don't care too much about his behaviour. Just know that one day it all will be over.