Want to go no-contact, but a funeral is coming up.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've had one hell of a year. Since I finally live away from home and have my own money to pay for pills with, I went back on anti-depressants over the summer. The more "awake" they got me, the more of my childhood started coming to the surface. My mother let other people abuse me sexually and torture me and do things that I don't even know how she excuses to herself. She even covered for this woman who abused me by lying to the police. A lot of this is "recovered" but a lot of it is just stuff I ignored for a while.

It is hard dealing with that. Well, this week my grandmother passed away and now there's this funeral which my BPD mother is planning. A HUGE portion of the call was dedicated to how much she did for my grandma, how nobody cares about my grandma but her, how horrible it was watching her die (in detail), etc. Then she wanted me to room with my aunt who also has BPD and I told her I'd pay for my own hotel room. My mom then started insisting that my aunt refuses to pay for herself and so I have to stay with her so she can get a cheaper rate or else she'll get mad. My attitude is "let her, that's not my problem" and of course when I suggest that, I'm told that *I* need to be more accommodating. I'm sure you all know that a child of a pwBPD is usually a lot more accommodating than s/he's given credit for.

Then like... .she went on about how she has to do everything and no one helps her. The list of things she "has to" do include a ton of things I could easily do myself like calling a restaurant to see if they can accommodate my dietary needs.

I'm tired of hearing my mother paint herself out to be the hero and the victim in all this when my grandmother is the one who died. That said, she's throwing money at me again. She'll pay for this, she'll pay for that, blah blah blah blah. She's retired. I thought this was going to stop once she retired, but she's always offering money and even just buying things without me asking her to. "Put it on the card." Then if I ever get upset or feel unloved by her she'll bring up the money.

People think she's this wonderful parent because she has all these stories which are exaggerated to tell like -

1. She paid $50,000 a year to send me to an amazing school when a normal parent would have just made their kid go to *gasp* public college. With the scholarships and financial aid I got, my parents were only responsible for in-state tuition (so the same amount they would have spent on an in-state school) and with loans they got to defer payment into manageable increments AND I also worked almost the whole time I was in school to help pay. I'm not saying she did nothing, but she talks about it like it's this monumental "you deserve a medal" thing.

2. She'll claim that I asked her to buy me things when she offered, when really she just bought them without being asked.

I'm so stressed out. I want to scream every time I talk to her - the pressure of keeping my CSA/torture/whatever a secret is unbelievably rough. Many people have told me "confront them or leave them" and I know they're right, but I feel guilty leaving people who *act* like they care. I keep wondering... .what if there wasn't r*pe? What if this didn't happen? What if I'm wrong/crazy/etc?

My dad is into that FMSF stuff and so he can just whip that out any time you bring up abuse... .it must be false memory syndrome or whatever the hell. I think if you naturally gain more memories about things from your past as you're able to stop running, that's not the same as having fake stuff planted on you by a bad therapist but he sees it as all the same.

I am thinking of no-contact, but I keep feeling guilty or worrying that it's not as bad as I think it is. Ugh.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

[losingconfidence]

I've had one hell of a year. Since I finally live away from home and have my own money to pay for pills with, I went back on anti-depressants over the summer. The more "awake" they got me, the more of my childhood started coming to the surface. My mother let other people abuse me sexually and torture me and do things that I don't even know how she excuses to herself. She even covered for this woman who abused me by lying to the police. A lot of this is "recovered" but a lot of it is just stuff I ignored for a while.

It is hard dealing with that. Well, this week my grandmother passed away and now there's this funeral which my BPD mother is planning. A HUGE portion of the call was dedicated to how much she did for my grandma, how nobody cares about my grandma but her, how horrible it was watching her die (in detail), etc. Then she wanted me to room with my aunt who also has BPD and I told her I'd pay for my own hotel room. My mom then started insisting that my aunt refuses to pay for herself and so I have to stay with her so she can get a cheaper rate or else she'll get mad. My attitude is "let her, that's not my problem" and of course when I suggest that, I'm told that *I* need to be more accommodating. I'm sure you all know that a child of a pwBPD is usually a lot more accommodating than s/he's given credit for.

Then like... .she went on about how she has to do everything and no one helps her. The list of things she "has to" do include a ton of things I could easily do myself like calling a restaurant to see if they can accommodate my dietary needs.

I'm tired of hearing my mother paint herself out to be the hero and the victim in all this when my grandmother is the one who died. That said, she's throwing money at me again. She'll pay for this, she'll pay for that, blah blah blah blah. She's retired. I thought this was going to stop once she retired, but she's always offering money and even just buying things without me asking her to. "Put it on the card." Then if I ever get upset or feel unloved by her she'll bring up the money.

People think she's this wonderful parent because she has all these stories which are exaggerated to tell like -

1. She paid $50,000 a year to send me to an amazing school when a normal parent would have just made their kid go to *gasp* public college. With the scholarships and financial aid I got, my parents were only responsible for in-state tuition (so the same amount they would have spent on an in-state school) and with loans they got to defer payment into manageable increments AND I also worked almost the whole time I was in school to help pay. I'm not saying she did nothing, but she talks about it like it's this monumental "you deserve a medal" thing.

2. She'll claim that I asked her to buy me things when she offered, when really she just bought them without being asked.

I'm so stressed out. I want to scream every time I talk to her - the pressure of keeping my CSA/torture/whatever a secret is unbelievably rough. Many people have told me "confront them or leave them" and I know they're right, but I feel guilty leaving people who *act* like they care. I keep wondering... .what if there wasn't r*pe? What if this didn't happen? What if I'm wrong/crazy/etc?

My dad is into that FMSF stuff and so he can just whip that out any time you bring up abuse... .it must be false memory syndrome or whatever the hell. I think if you naturally gain more memories about things from your past as you're able to stop running, that's not the same as having fake stuff planted on you by a bad therapist but he sees it as all the same.

I am thinking of no-contact, but I keep feeling guilty or worrying that it's not as bad as I think it is. Ugh.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

[SeekingHealing]

I have not been in your situation,  but going NC sounds like a good idea, even with a funeral.  I dont know how you feel about this, but I wouldnt go to the funeral.  You dont have to go in order to honor your grandmother, no matter what anyone tells you.  But it has to be something you are comfortable with.  If i were you, i would stay away from that abuse and focus on getting healthier.  You have suffered enough.  Im so sorry.

[Sitara]

I'm sorry to hear you've had a difficult year. 

My mom then started insisting that my aunt refuses to pay for herself and so I have to stay with her so she can get a cheaper rate or else she'll get mad. My attitude is "let her, that's not my problem" and of course when I suggest that, I'm told that *I* need to be more accommodating

You're right, it's not your responsibility to solve that problem.  If your aunt wants to come, she'll find a way.  Unless your aunt asks you directly for help, I think you have the right attitude (and even if she asks you still can say no).

Then like... .she went on about how she has to do everything and no one helps her. The list of things she "has to" do include a ton of things I could easily do myself like calling a restaurant to see if they can accommodate my dietary needs.

My mom did the same when her parents died.  She was doing everything herself.  No one was making the difficult decisions.  Then one of my uncles wanted to help pay for the funeral and suddenly she was complaining he was just doing it to "show off."  Would it be easier just to let her do everything and complain?  She's going to complain no matter what, so is it worth it to you to get yourself in the middle of that?

I'm tired of hearing my mother paint herself out to be the hero and the victim in all this when my grandmother is the one who died.

This is just unfortunately how their minds work.  That said, I completely understand.

she's always offering money and even just buying things without me asking her to. "Put it on the card." Then if I ever get upset or feel unloved by her she'll bring up the money.

My mom does the same.  I also went to an expensive school paid by my parents, and although she doesn't just buy stuff, she has convinced us to take things we don't really want and we also still owe money on a loan we should have never accepted from them, and that sort of stuff really gets hung over your head.

I feel guilty leaving people who *act* like they care

Have you read up on FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) yet?  If not you may find it helpful. https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

My dad is into that FMSF stuff and so he can just whip that out any time you bring up abuse... .it must be false memory syndrome or whatever the hell.

I'm not familiar with this, but I'm going to infer he tells you you're just making stuff up?  Trust yourself.  You know the truth of your life.

As far as your grandma goes, were you close enough you want to attend her funeral?  If so, perhaps you can go and keep a low profile.  Avoid your parent, spend time with the family you enjoy, make excuses to cut conversations short if you get caught in a situation you don't want to be in.  If you weren't close, then don't go.  It's not worth the stress over someone that wasn't a big part of your life.

Best of luck.  We're here for you.

[losingconfidence]

Sitara - That thing about the uncle only wanting to help so he can "show off" is exactly what my mother does. I have been wanting to read up on FOG more. I do feel a lot of obligation and it's awful. Isn't there some situation wherein you can be obligated to stick around for a family member? I always thought you were always obligated unless they were literally ax murderers.

[Sitara]

The short answer is no, you don't have an obligation to family.  You choose how you want to be treated.  You have control of your life.  I found it easier to come to terms with this realizing I have to be an example to my kids.  I want them to learn that everyone should treat them with respect, family or not.

[losingconfidence]

Sitara - Sounds like you're putting being a good parent above other peoples' drama. That's the right way to do it.

[Sitara]

I unfortunately had to learn the hard way.  It wasn't until after my mom started enmeshing my oldest son and saying things to cause him to come home from her place depressed (he was 4!) that I really realized her behavior was not okay.  She also started treating my husband poorly.  Treat me like garbage, fine, I'm used to that.  Treat those I love like garbage?  I'm not going to let that happen.  Maybe I'm just standing up for them the way I always wanted someone to stand up for me.  But I honestly didn't see anything wrong with her behavior when she was just taking it out on me. 

[losingconfidence]

Sometimes it can take that outside perspective where you see it happen to someone else in order to think it's wrong. I can understand that.