Is this pretty normal for BPD women to do with their kids?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My exUBPDF told my mother yesterday that she wants my son to go to a different school next year.  He is currently in a good charter school where he will be tri-lingual at the age of 13.  They also have good math and science curriculums.

This will be my son's 5th school from pre-K to 3rd grade.  I have voiced my opinion about how I think it is important that he stays at a school for a time to make long-time friends like I was able to do.

My son made the All-Star baseball team last summer at the playground near our home.  He was 7 and they "normally" keep these kids together to play as a team until their early teens.  She said that he would not be playing baseball at that playground anymore, as well, but at the playgorund closer to where her sister lives (that is who she is living with now).

I understand that both the new school/ playground ARE indeed closer to where she is currently living; but I think history shows that it's not all about location.

Any thoughts?

[arn131arn]

My exUBPDF told my mother yesterday that she wants my son to go to a different school next year.  He is currently in a good charter school where he will be tri-lingual at the age of 13.  They also have good math and science curriculums.

This will be my son's 5th school from pre-K to 3rd grade.  I have voiced my opinion about how I think it is important that he stays at a school for a time to make long-time friends like I was able to do.

My son made the All-Star baseball team last summer at the playground near our home.  He was 7 and they "normally" keep these kids together to play as a team until their early teens.  She said that he would not be playing baseball at that playground anymore, as well, but at the playgorund closer to where her sister lives (that is who she is living with now).

I understand that both the new school/ playground ARE indeed closer to where she is currently living; but I think history shows that it's not all about location.

Any thoughts?

[apple]

In my experience i think it's on par and just part of their self created chaos in which they operate. They don't put their kids best interest first from my experience. For ex: My exw has removed my kids 2 times from a good daycare where they knew all the staff and were looked after well.  Inside 1-1/2yrs she has had them with 3 different babysitters and brought two men into their lives.

[arn131arn]

In my experience i think it's on par and just part of their self created chaos in which they operate. They don't put their kids best interest first from my experience. For ex: My exw has removed my kids 2 times from a good daycare where they knew all the staff and were looked after well.  Inside 1-1/2yrs she has had them with 3 different babysitters and brought two men into their lives.

Wow!  What do you mean it's a part of the chaos, Apple?

Sorry, I think that the school/playground being closer to where she lived would be less chaotic?

One more thing, She still showers with him at age (8)... .pretty nutty bordering on sexual abuse, I would say... .But that could me my resentment saying that... .I don't know; but it does have me thinking

[apple]

JMO but changing schools every year for a little boy is chaotic for them.  Unless it was absolutely necessary for him to change schools then it was self created chaos by your ex but in your kids life.

[scraps66]

How is your son treated through this and how has he taken all the moves?  Sounds like well, but all the moves at such a young age, i can't see that that is beneficial in the long run.  What I'm wondering, is he being told that this is being done for his own good, making him feel like it's the ringht thing to do, and putting herself in the position of satisfying her neediness, and makign the child feel obligated to her.  This all under the elusion of "the mother of the year."  Sort of like she's fulfilling her own falsi image of herself.  I think this is akin to munchausen syndrome.  My ex does these things, telling the kids things they do not need to know about, things that are her own ideas, just so she can be "right" even if the eyes of children who know no better.  "preying" on children is what it is.

[arn131arn]

How is your son treated through this and how has he taken all the moves?  Sounds like well, but all the moves at such a young age, i can't see that that is beneficial in the long run.  What I'm wondering, is he being told that this is being done for his own good, making him feel like it's the ringht thing to do, and putting herself in the position of satisfying her neediness, and makign the child feel obligated to her.  This all under the elusion of "the mother of the year."  Sort of like she's fulfilling her own falsi image of herself.  I think this is akin to munchausen syndrome.  My ex does these things, telling the kids things they do not need to know about, things that are her own ideas, just so she can be "right" even if the eyes of children who know no better.  "preying" on children is what it is.

Thanks for the response, Scrap.  She tells him way too much.  Calls me a no good drunk, yelled at me to go f**k my whores, fights, and says nasty things to me all the time in front of him, threatened to leave the relatinship multiple times, etc, etc, etc.


I want to have a conversation when she allows me to see him next and tell him that he doesn't have to choose between mommy and daddy, ever! And that it is not fair to be put in that situation. 

Any ideas if the showering together still is sexual abuse or an abuse of some kind?

[scraps66]

I didn'gt even see that - showering together?  I can't see that as healthy.  I knew my ex was having inappropriate relations with my kids when she would too easily allow them to sleep in her bed.  Tame by comparison, but not a good habit at all to promote.  I have no idea however.

[livednlearned]

Showering with an 8-year-old would raise serious concerns in court. Even at 5 years old, in combination with other red flag behavior, it would raise concerns. I understand it might be acceptable in other cultures, but in general cultural norms prevail in court, unless it's an issue of religious differences.

Changing schools often is also a red flag for courts. Generally, they want to see as much stability in the child's life as possible.

You're right to be worried about this.

[scraps66]

Maybe a good conversation to have is, regarding the switching schools too often, why is this happening, is there a reason, an advantage to the ex, or is it one more example of just irrational behaivor in a string of examples that are not in the best interest of the child, in fact, if anything, could be having adverse effects. Though it sounds like son is responding with ultimate resilience and doing well. 

But, guess what I'm offering for disucssion, how would you have your attorney "use" this information effectively in court.  This assuming your attorney would be willing to address this issue if it comes to that.

[ForeverDad]

Mother showering with an 8 year old boy?  That would be a good question for your local CPS or children's services agency.  If you didn't ask them for input and direction then it could be interpreted as you allowing or condoning it.  Also, this likely would be a good time for your children to start counseling, making sure the counselor is aware of such issues.  Even if mother opposes son to have counseling sessions, you could at least ask the school counselors to see what they can do.

In my case, I recall my son's therapist informing me that she had to teach him about each person's private areas (very simple, what is covered by a bathing suit) and she asked, "Whose private areas can you touch?"  She expected him to say "Mine" but he answered, "Mother's."   The therapist saw that as a concern and worked with him on that matter but didn't call CPS about it.

Combined with frequent moves and probably additional concerns, there may be enough to seek changing custody or at least having more say, input and authority in his parenting.

Be aware that moving is not seen as a huge problem in itself.  For example, military families often move frequently but that's not seen as an issue.  However it is an indicator of more serious issues if combined with additional concerns.

[arn131arn]

Maybe a good conversation to have is, regarding the switching schools too often, why is this happening, is there a reason, an advantage to the ex, or is it one more example of just irrational behaivor in a string of examples that are not in the best interest of the child, in fact, if anything, could be having adverse effects. Though it sounds like son is responding with ultimate resilience and doing well. 

But, guess what I'm offering for disucssion, how would you have your attorney "use" this information effectively in court.  This assuming your attorney would be willing to address this issue if it comes to that.

Thanks, Scrap.  He is responding well.  Makes friends easily enough.  Center of everything.  Was elected class president... .MR BIG SHOT!  .  She has mud to throw in court... .maybe the showering together is all I can throw at her, but don't know IF I want to even throw mud... .know what I mean?

[livednlearned]

Maybe a good conversation to have is, regarding the switching schools too often, why is this happening, is there a reason, an advantage to the ex, or is it one more example of just irrational behaivor in a string of examples that are not in the best interest of the child, in fact, if anything, could be having adverse effects. Though it sounds like son is responding with ultimate resilience and doing well. 

But, guess what I'm offering for disucssion, how would you have your attorney "use" this information effectively in court.  This assuming your attorney would be willing to address this issue if it comes to that.

Thanks, Scrap.  He is responding well.  Makes friends easily enough.  Center of everything.  Was elected class president... .MR BIG SHOT!  .  She has mud to throw in court... .maybe the showering together is all I can throw at her, but don't know IF I want to even throw mud... .know what I mean?

If you focus on what's best for your son, and use the tools that the court makes available and figure out how they work, it isn't throwing mud. Same for protecting yourself. Throwing mud is a state of mind, I think. It's when people "go after" someone for the purpose of conflict or getting even, or punishing someone. Your job is to shine light on behavior that makes you uncomfortable, and then let the court rule what is and isn't appropriate. I know there are a lot of emotions in play, and we often worry about escalating conflict if we assert boundaries, but the court process is actually very cut and dry. You ask it to consider these legitimate concerns, and the court legitimately tries to address them using the blunt tools it has at its disposal.

[bravhart1]

Guessing that showering together, brushing teeth together, eating together( to the point of baby birding  "yuck", sleeping in the same bed every night (D5 doesn't even have her own room at mom's house even though there are empty rooms) is and should be seen as not letting D5 have any part of her own life.  they must feel the same way about everything (including non BPD dad) she is merely an extension of BPD mom. Is this typical of a BPD mother? Or is this some other cultural thing?

[DreamFlyer99]

hi arn131arn and everybody else!

I had just started reading this workshop and it seems to have a lot of info that answers questions about questionable parental behavior:

Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting

I was raised by a mother who though undiagnosed was likely BPD/NPD. I do believe a lot of my own issues arose from being raised more as an extension/reflection of her than as my own person who was taught (and allowed) to individuate. And it's taken some time to disentangle, but thankfully I have an awesome therapist!

How much time do you have with your son, like is it pretty much split custody between you and your ex? If so, why is being close to her place more important than to yours?

As far as court appearances, if you have simply documented facts of behavior as you observed them, and you haven't loaded those facts with an emotional response, then you are simply making a factual observation, and the judge will then act on them as he/she sees fit, so there's no worry about being a mudslinger. Do you document, arn131arn? That would include stuff even like what you wrote initially, about him doing well with the team near you, and then being expected to move, etc. It's generally helpful to document in these situations.

df99

[highland dr]

It is normal for a BPD.  My husband's children were raised by a BPD and switched schools frequently throughout their lives.  They now say it was very hard on them.  The son wanted to play sports, but she would not allow it.  I think the purpose for moving the children around and preventing them from extra curricular activities is so that they do not develop relationships with others and ultimately gain independence from the BPD.  The daughter is now the same way with her son.  He does not change schools, but his life is centered on mom, no outside activities.  I've not heard him mention any friends.