First Legal go

[Knowingishalf]

I am writing on here that we had our first support hearing, and I was scared to the point of being ill.  I had taken so many drastic steps to get to a place I can sustain going forward.  Leading up to this we calculated the numbers and came to a good offer which we sent over to her lawyer.  This was shot down because they thought they could get 3-400 more.  We triple checked all of our numbers and verified our offer was while high, it wasn't the worst case for me so we could live with it, otherwise off to the hearing.  They rejected it again demanding to go to the hearing.  We arrive they calculate the numbers down by 700 dollars lower than they wanted.  We counter with more by a good bit to prevent the need and expense of the next step or "master" hearing. They reject this as well. The temp order gets set at the lowest number in there and I am here to say that this Mr. Nice Guy will not be making new offers going forward.  My consult with my lawyer and many others shows she is likely to get less at the next hearing not more.  I will allow this to happen this time, I am done trying to protect her from herself.  I almost did it at my own expense this time and I told my lawyer to go for it the next time. 

I think I am in luck she hasn't found a helper yet she is very low functioning and requires someone to help her with almost every task.  Fun fact my L pulled me in the hallway during the meeting to give me a told you so her lawyer was so wrong, to the point of malpractice.  I think I am lucky this went my way, well I can't call it too lucky she is still getting massive amounts of money from me in APL and Child Support.  But it could have been a lot worse a lot.  I also learned an important lesson here I have to protect myself, she is being seriously greedy, because she was informed she could get so so much more.  I am now concerned that this is going to spiral her out of control quickly if she suffers multiple losses back to back.  And I worry how this will impact our daughter.  My lawyer was not pleased with her behavior, he witnessed a rage flash and didn't have many kind words regarding her personality following that outburst.  She also angered the officer of the court with her behavior as well and this was a simple procedure.  I can't wait for down the road when things become more difficult.

Lastly I have to thank everyone here for the advice, I would be doing so so much worse if I didn't have the foresight and assistance everyone here's experiences have provided me.  I feel with out that I would have come to this process blindly and would have made so many mistakes.

[Matt]

Sounds like your lawyer is doing a good job and you're getting OK results so far.

What are the next steps?

[ForeverDad]

Are you seeking custody and/or majority parenting time?  If the court notices her lack custodial/parenting/co-parenting ability, then it might be good to make sure the court has been informed from Day One that you're both able and willing to parent more.  Why?  So often the court assumes the father will leave his wallet and pockets with the court, walk away and assume at most a minor role in parenting.  If you don't tell the court otherwise, the the court will have to assume the only option is to deal with the mother as primary no matter how problematic she is.

Courts are used to fathers claiming they want more time but really only to reduce child support.  If you want more time then you have to set that aspect to the side and demonstrate your priorities are more time for the welfare and long term benefits for your children.

[Matt]

Really good point from FD.

Maybe the biggest thing that keeps dads from getting custody - or shared custody - is that we don't ask for it.

I was in shock when my wife filed for divorce, and I was (unwisely) determined not to hire an attorney.  I filed a response myself, agreeing that she would have primary custody and I would have every other weekend.

Later I realized what a huge mistake this was, and got an attorney, and I was able to turn it around, because of some specific issues in the case - I was able to argue that I agreed to that without knowing about my wife's psychological disorders.  Then I made the best case I could, that I could take care of the kids, and I sought primary custody, and ended up with 50/50 legally (and in practice much more than that).

If I had it to do over again, I would make the strongest possible case, right from the start, that I could take care of the kids and meet all their needs, and that primary custody for me would be the best plan for them.  Not sure if that would change anything - in my state it's very hard for a father to get more than 50/50 - but the case probably would have settled sooner and cost less if not for that foolish initial response.

If you don't ask, you won't get.

[broken3]

knowing.

If you truly believe that you are better for the kids. Then by all means file for full custody.

Quick backstory.

My ex filed a PFA against me alleging charges when I was not even home.

Had me removed from the house and kids. Sent the 24 hour appearance to the address where I was barred from going to. So I had absolutely no idea I was to appear in front of a judge.Not to mention shell shocked.

Called the cell phone company and said my phone was stolen and had the cell company do a remote deletion to erase the fact of the conversations and the fact I was not home. I still have the same cell phone.

I did not see the kids for over 30 days. No calls, texts, I could not even wave a hello to them as contempt charges were filed because I went to check at their schools if they were attending.  And that in waving to them from a distance. I was attempting contact with the kids.

Fast forward to hearing. I requested full custody. She did same.

After over 2 months not one bill was paid. Heat was shut off. Kids saying there is no food. Mom is getting rid of dog because she can't take care of. Kids missing numerous days at school.

Yet she was awarded a few thousand in APL and child support. Never paid one cent toward bills.

I kept records of everything. I was even allowed in home on a scheduled day and time. And what I found was shocking.

I took photos. Had reciepts, school attendance, you name it.

I had the judge overturn the possesion and custody because she did not show to hearing because her lawyer fired her.

Kids have been with me ever since.

Yet the system is still broken as I have to pay her over $500.00 per month to help her with legal bills while I get not one cent to help take care of the kids.  I will survive as well as the kids. The responsibility has been primarily on my back for near 20 years. All by myself.

If you don't fight. Then you will not know what could have been.

I thank god every day that I stood up and did not take the beatdown.

My ex was told by everyone. There is no way a judge will give a man custody.

I guess my years of providing, cooking, doing laundry, building our house, and bringing the kids to scouts, and games paid off greater than I ever expected. Even though I never suspected that I was doing anything other than being a good father to my kids.

And so the old saying that because she was a stay at home mom for years entitles her to the ongoing upbringing of the kids does not have any merit with me.

After all, you cant be trying to "raise a family" and " do whats best for the home" if you are out on "play" dates, shopping for 8 hours, missing kids appointments etc... .not to mention your latest " friend" that you call and text a few hundred times a day while your kids only 2-4 times.

[Knowingishalf]

As for custody, I would never go below 50% I had filed for full custody, and we will see where this goes.  So far she is working towards a decent 50% we will see as she begins to unwind, but I believe she is setting herself up here for failure after failure.  I have always figured this will be a long battle where I would lose more than I wanted in the beginning, and she wouldn't be able to maintain, and lose it.  When she is with our daughter now she is more of a mother then I have ever seen in the entirety of our marriage I saw more parenting in 1 day then I had in our daughters life.  I don't know where this is coming from but I would rather she be in her life then a story to tell my daughter later.

[ugghh]

Glad to hear you are holding fast and that the ex is shaping up a bit for your daughter's sake.  I think we are all always hopeful for the best but as we begin detaching we learn to prepare for the worst. My stbxw has my oldest son, middle child with her for the holidays whilst I have the oldest and youngest kids with me.  Not really my choice as she basically told me her plans and I was left to work around it.

My oldest, D20, has been text bombed all day from the momster trying to guilt daughter into calling on her schedule.  Sigh.

[Knowingishalf]

Sorry to hear that ugghh I do get a lot of guilt bombing and everything is on her schedule, but not mine.  I am sure I will have to deal with that for ages to come.  That being said I want my daughter to have two loving parents, and even if she is faking it I will take it for my daughters sake.  I think it is creepy seeing her overcompensate as a parent now, dumping her emotional baggage on a 2.5 year old.  My daughter told me mommy was crying and she told her to be happy... .But I understand she is sick and at this point I will take anything at all over what once was.

[Matt]

everything is on her schedule, but not mine.  I am sure I will have to deal with that for ages to come.

Not if you get a court order in place - maybe temporary orders.  Get the schedule set, and then she won't be able to jerk you around as much.

[momtara]

I tried when i could to avoid court, but I found that sometimes it was worth it to have my lawyer and ex-husband's lawyer banter with each other to work things out, because it avoided a situation where my husband would sit obsessing over everything and getting triggered and make things worse.  the letters back and forth were more awful than the lawyers talking to each other.  but that's just in my case.