I am my own sabatour

[Cipher13]

I create the havoc in the relationship it seems like. My inability to say "no" makes this happen. I am so afraid of the fallout from saying "no" that I go along with just about everything with the responce of "if we can find a way to make it work" or pick any other form of wishy washy excuses.

The big topic is her job. She has never liekd any job she has had for more than a few months. I know this is not my problem right? Well the "not my problem" is layed at my feet about every day. I am married to this person and live with her. How can this not be my issue? Sure she is the oneit happens to and I should be able to figure out hopw to stay out of it. Not sure how to be a loving supportive person with this topic. I will lose no matter what. If i give in I lose my job and we move again to a place that does nto have many jobs. Then only to probably have her hate it in 6 months. 

I could say no then have her double her anger efforts towards me. I don't want to take on that stress any more than the first option. The core question to my whole realtionship... .

WHY DO I LET HER HAVE ALL THIS CONTROL OVER ME?

[Surnia]

Yes, Cipher, saying NO is so important. You an learn it however.

What about start practicing in the last days of 2013? 

[maxsterling]

Your post brought a tear to my eye, because I am exactly the same, and nearly starting to feel shame over it. 

I keep trying to be helpful, to help her out, to validate, and I just get sucked in deeper.  I feel like I am gaining strength, though.  I need to learn to say NO and NO MORE.

NO, I am not giving you any more money until you come up with some kind of income or some realistic plan for earning income.

NO, I will not marry you until you can find at least one thing besides me that makes you happy, and that you engage in regularly without a single complaint.

NO, I will not talk about having a child with you until you quit talking about how much you hate yourself and want to kill yourself.

Why is this so hard for me? 

[Cipher13]

Last night was the first night in several weeks that the name calling came back. The topic if it matters was that I ate the left overs and didn't share or ask if she wanted any.  OK I can understand that is ok to be upset about. I shoudl have asked. But i doubt that should have been the reason to be angry with me from lunch time until midnight or when ever she finally fell asleep.   

I didn't apologize right when I did apologize. I've found that if what I do to apologize or try to make amends for something if it doesn't make the painful feeling go away then I am not doing it right or enough.  I have think skin but this even though it wasn't even a top 50 rage or arguement cut deeper than most. Maybe becasue I had been going above and beyond for her and one slip and its back to this kind of livleyhood. 

I can't take it yet I can't stop myself from letting her do this to me either. I am just as messed up as she is if not more maybe? How can I keep allowing her to treat me like the stuff you scrape off your shoe?

[Surnia]

I agree with you, doesn't matter if the eaten left overs are the reason or something else. If someone wants blame you, there is always a "reason". Same for apologizing. Not accepting it is part of her right/wrong thing.

I remember you changed your T - are your working with him/her on those issues?

[Cipher13]

No T right now. She did not liek that it was a female who was younger than us. She didn't even get to meet her for what was going to be our first joint session. That was a huge fight that lasted days. So no no T  no support (other than here).    This weekend is out 12th wedding aniversary. I should and want to be happy about it. Instead I am thining of all the better things I coul dhave done in my life the last 12 years if I had not been the doormat in the relationship.

[Surnia]

A T for yourself would be great.

I can understand your frustration about celebrating 12 years married under such circumstances. On the other hand I see your part in being a doormat too.   I hope you don't mind me writing this.

[seeking balance]

Hi Cipher,

It is good you see that your lack of boundaries is creating a problem... .this is something that can be repaired.  Like with most habits, the change can be painful and to create a change, you will have to be willing to deal with discomfort.

Adding your BPD spouse into the mix means your skills for setting the boundary will need to be honed as well.  On the staying board, there are some lessons that might help you since you don't have a T.

Personally, I know it is hard to change when we are so beat down.  I found changing little things first helped me rebuild my own self worth... .the easiest was physical.  Getting physically strong and fit while working on the emotional stuff was good for me - do you run or have some other physical outlet?

Hang in there,

SB

[Cipher13]

I have made my slef aware of something today. I am in a state of finding things that prove that I am not looing my mind. I go to lookat as many BPD websites as I can to prove that its not me that is really the problem.

Its like I don't believe that I am while things are happening. Then I can go back to look at that situation and say "Yup that is a trait she is shwing that is BPD.

I do not havenan outlet for this. I do need to loose some weight and getting into a physically fit routine is also something my wife would agree with. However I find all kinds of reasons not to.

[Surnia]

What about trying some workout? Even easier she agrees about some weight loss.

What are your reasons not doing it?

[Cipher13]

What are your reasons not doing it?

I don't have a good reason for this other than I have 1 hour to myself 4 days a week and thats not how I would liek to spend it. Then again I use that hour to be filled with anxiety until she comes home form work anyway so might as well do somethign constructive with myself.

The relationship almost took a huge turn south over the weekend. Friday I politley and openly asked if since it is the last weekend for hunting that maybe I could go saturday morning of evening or sunday morning or evening.  Man that was stupid to even ask... .because our 12 year anniversary was Saturday.  So she took my asking as that I didn't care and that I would rather be int he woods instead of with her.  I should have never asked the question. I shoudl have known it would completely tear her down. She sat and cryied for hours Friday night.  So ask me what we did on our anniversary that I could not have gone hunting for a few hours int eh morning... .zip zero zilch. we sat in bed til 10. We didn't leave the house except for church at 3:30.

I hate this crap.

[Surnia]

Yes, Cipher, please don't give up asking those questions. Please don't give up to go for some hours hunting. What about just inform her nice and gently: Darling, the xy of january I will be out half a day (or whatever) for hunting.

You may think, easily said. I was there too. Each time I wanted to go for birdwatching in the second half of my marriage, I had to force my self to announce it. And sure enough, it was not welcome. It was a bad day or it was not announced early enough. It was stressful and I felt so uncomfortable. Bad I managed at least not to give it up. You can do this too.

[Cipher13]

You may think, easily said.

Yup thats my first thought.  Second thought is even if I decide to do something and it is legitimatley for me for my own time she will not let it happen. If I want to take a day or half day to go to museum or take a day off and read a book.  I will be cheating instead in here eyes and just by asking I don't care about the relationship.   

She has made it so I don't even want to ask for anything for myself. I got a book for Christmas that I have been looking forward to reading... .guess when I will be able to read it... .While I am driving? At work? When i am sleeping? Becasue all the other times if I am not engaged with what she is doing I am ignoring her. I have tried to read other books.  That is what I have come up against.   In other words if I have free time it has to be spend with her.