Christmas is over, thank you Lord

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I have survived my second Christmas without my ex fiance wBPD and her two kids. In a lot of ways, this year was harder than last year. Not sure why, it just was. It will be two years this coming february of NC. Trust me, not by my choice, she made it impossible to contact her when she first walked out on me. I tried, but the only avenue was to go to her mom's house. I did, but she never ever answered the door, not once. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her, or the kids. Now her mom has moved and I honestly have no idea where to find her or reach out, so I don't. But I still want to. I still miss her, I still love her, I still think of her every &*^$^^&*ing day. She is my first thought every morning and my last thought every night. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? It's been almost a full two years and I just can't seem to put her past me. Why... .why... .WHY? I don't know the answer and it kills me. She cheated, she abandoned, she hurt me worse than any other human possibly could. Why do I still love her. Is it just the holidays? I've avoided dating because I can't move past my ex. I really could use sound advice. I"m stuck. still stuck after all this time. And I bet that if I saw her, she probably has some live in by know, the kids probably don't even remember my name. And I stilll love them so very much. Any help would be appreciated

[jjk0614]

So I have survived my second Christmas without my ex fiance wBPD and her two kids. In a lot of ways, this year was harder than last year. Not sure why, it just was. It will be two years this coming february of NC. Trust me, not by my choice, she made it impossible to contact her when she first walked out on me. I tried, but the only avenue was to go to her mom's house. I did, but she never ever answered the door, not once. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her, or the kids. Now her mom has moved and I honestly have no idea where to find her or reach out, so I don't. But I still want to. I still miss her, I still love her, I still think of her every &*^$^^&*ing day. She is my first thought every morning and my last thought every night. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? It's been almost a full two years and I just can't seem to put her past me. Why... .why... .WHY? I don't know the answer and it kills me. She cheated, she abandoned, she hurt me worse than any other human possibly could. Why do I still love her. Is it just the holidays? I've avoided dating because I can't move past my ex. I really could use sound advice. I"m stuck. still stuck after all this time. And I bet that if I saw her, she probably has some live in by know, the kids probably don't even remember my name. And I stilll love them so very much. Any help would be appreciated

[Kallor74]

I can fully understand still loving someone who for all purposes abandoned you and hurt you deeply, as not having closure can be a bhit. But you must come to the realization that she is gone (most probably forever). She is probably on her 14th replacement by now. You have to apply all that love and devotion that you are wasting on her and give it to yourself.  I hate cliches but she is not the only fish in the sea. Get out there and meet new people. 

[damage control]

So sorry to hear this jjk.

I wish I had words of wisdom or a magic wand. I am already hanging on to this ex for longer than previous ex's ... .I can only imagine and fear being 2 years on and still feeling this way.

Perhaps the fear of getting hurt so badly again is making you cling to the idea of the ex? For, if you are still hung up on her, then you don't want to date so you don't have to be vulnerable again?

[jjk0614]

Oh I have tried the whole "I'm hanging on to her for fear of being hurt again thing". It's a running topic on my therapists couch these days. How about this. Do you believe in soulmates? I do, I believe it wholeheartedly. I also believe that you are lucky to ever find your soulmate. And good luck finding it more than once. I am open to the idea that I am holding on to her because the pain is comfortable, and I can't be hurt again if I don't date. But don't you think it's also possible that she was my soulmate? And that I am not over her yet , not because I'm afraid of being hurt, but because I simply still love her. I love her today just as I did 2 years ago when she left, and just as I did 5 years ago when we met. I really think it's just because I still love her.

[babyspook]

It sounds very much like you’re still holding on to a lot of hurt and resentment she rained down on you and because of that you’re still thinking of her more than you should.  I’m not gonna preach here, but if you don’t at least try to forgive her for those transgressions against you, you’ll forever be bound to that pain every single day.  If you're not ready for that step yet, then at least do what Kallor74 recommended - get out there and meet new people.  It helps tremendously!

[Ironmanrises]

She did not give you closure. That is why you still think of her in the way that you do. Had you been given closure, you would then have been able to come to the realization that the next step is to begin to heal from that. Missing that important step of closure is what has kept me stuck too. Sure, we have to come to our own closure, which I totally understand; bridging the very chasm of coming to our own closure and actually arriving there, well that is like attempting to span a gap from here to the Moon. Achievable, sure. Length of time to get there, the thought alone devastates me. Hang in there.

[jjk0614]

No, she definitely did not give me any closure at all. I hate her for that. How dare her. I have another question. Her kids... .God do I miss her kids. They were little when I moved in the boy was 5months old and the girl was 5. They were 4 and 9 respectively when she abandoned me. How do I stop missing the kids? I love them as if they are my very own. And I think about them all day everyday. So please tell me how to stop missing and loving the kids?

[damage control]

I think you are asking impossible-to-answer questions jjk.

I do this myself so, this is not a judgement.

Perhaps you do love her. Perhaps she is your soulmate. Perhaps you will never meet anyone quite like her ever again.

I don't believe in soulmates - I do believe that we have limited people that we can find that connection with ... but just one person? Nah.

But perhaps you will meet somebody else - and it will be better, healthier. The only way to find out is to go and find out.

[Ironmanrises]

They were 4 and 9 respectively when she abandoned me. How do I stop missing the kids? I love them as if they are my very own. And I think about them all day everyday. So please tell me how to stop missing and loving the kids?

I have same dilemma with my exUBPDgf, her 2 sons bonded with me and vice versa when she transformed into the other, and yanked all of that away. An answer to your question, unknown. I am sorry. I struggle with it too. It hurts. So I can totally understand your missing them.

[seeking balance]

So I have survived my second Christmas without my ex fiance wBPD and her two kids. In a lot of ways, this year was harder than last year. Not sure why, it just was. It will be two years this coming february of NC.

My 2nd was harder than my 1st also - I think because the first I was so depressed and shocked that hurt didn't even come through.  The 2nd was reality.

This is my 3rd since the divorce and if it gives you hope - it was pretty great.  Nothing extreme, I have learned to put myself around good people, cry when I need to and be grateful daily... .my attitude and expectations are very different than 3 years ago... .more living in the moment.

Trust me, not by my choice, she made it impossible to contact her when she first walked out on me. I tried, but the only avenue was to go to her mom's house. I did, but she never ever answered the door, not once. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her, or the kids. Now her mom has moved and I honestly have no idea where to find her or reach out, so I don't. But I still want to. I still miss her, I still love her, I still think of her every &*^$^^&*ing day. She is my first thought every morning and my last thought every night. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? It's been almost a full two years and I just can't seem to put her past me. Why... .why... .WHY?

Maybe, just maybe - let yourself be ok thinking about her... .accept it.  Closure for me came in phases, not some big event.  At the end of the day, my life was torn away without my choice in it - yours too.  Nobody is supposed to be over that much loss in a few months.

Let me ask you this - are you coping?  Do you go to work, exercise, pay your bills, have friend, laugh every once in a while?  If yes, can you be ok with this being enough for now?

I don't know the answer and it kills me. She cheated, she abandoned, she hurt me worse than any other human possibly could. Why do I still love her. Is it just the holidays? I've avoided dating because I can't move past my ex. I really could use sound advice. I"m stuck. still stuck after all this time. And I bet that if I saw her, she probably has some live in by know, the kids probably don't even remember my name. And I stilll love them so very much. Any help would be appreciated

Holidays are hard for everyone - there is a stress level very high - under stress, we can show some of the ptsd symptoms from the breakup... .be patient and kind to yourself.

Again, "do" the things you can - therapy, exercise, cry, friends - and accept your emotions as they are and they will pass through in their time.

There was a point where I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired" - I mean,  I was sick of being around me even.  Do what you can and it really will pass - I am content and peaceful way more than I am not.  I may have a hard day or week, but it is not nearly like before... .it does get better.  Be kind to you and maybe just give yourself permission to be where you need to be right now - it won't be like this forever.

Peace,

SB

[arn131arn]

Oh I have tried the whole "I'm hanging on to her for fear of being hurt again thing". It's a running topic on my therapists couch these days. How about this. Do you believe in soulmates? I do, I believe it wholeheartedly. I also believe that you are lucky to ever find your soulmate. And good luck finding it more than once. I am open to the idea that I am holding on to her because the pain is comfortable, and I can't be hurt again if I don't date. But don't you think it's also possible that she was my soulmate? And that I am not over her yet , not because I'm afraid of being hurt, but because I simply still love her. I love her today just as I did 2 years ago when she left, and just as I did 5 years ago when we met. I really think it's just because I still love her.

jjk, I was with my UBPDfiancee for 14 years.  we have a son together (8), but even after all this I still love her... .I am very angry at her, and I KNOW that for my own personal health and recovery, I need to lert go, I cannot be with her now and forever more.

[seeking balance]

Oh I have tried the whole "I'm hanging on to her for fear of being hurt again thing". It's a running topic on my therapists couch these days. How about this. Do you believe in soulmates? I do, I believe it wholeheartedly. I also believe that you are lucky to ever find your soulmate. And good luck finding it more than once. I am open to the idea that I am holding on to her because the pain is comfortable, and I can't be hurt again if I don't date. But don't you think it's also possible that she was my soulmate? And that I am not over her yet , not because I'm afraid of being hurt, but because I simply still love her. I love her today just as I did 2 years ago when she left, and just as I did 5 years ago when we met. I really think it's just because I still love her.

jjk, I was with my UBPDfiancee for 14 years.  we have a son together (8), but even after all this I still love her... .I am very angry at her, and I KNOW that for my own personal health and recovery, I need to lert go, I cannot be with her now and forever more.

Nobody says you have to stop loving them - it is ok to love someone but not be able to be with them whether by their choice or ours.

Sometimes, real love is letting go - I am not the right person for my ex and what she needs, hanging on to her for my own will is not love by my definition.

When someone dies, it is ok to still love them - but we do go on with our life - as much as this is hard to accept, for me - I had to look at it like a death so I could let go and move on.

regarding soul mates, my favorite quote:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... .”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

[damage control]

That is a beautiful quote jjk

[jjk0614]

Thank you everyone, some really good advice here. But yes I function. I work, I do well at work actually, I have turned into a bit of a workaholic since she has left. And yest I pay my bills, stay somewhat responsible. I do however still live alone. I see my daughter every other weekend but I'm still in the same house that we were all in together before she left. Maybe a good step would be to change that. Change the house completely and move away from the area.